It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

[IllBiteYourLegsOff]

Longtime lurker, first time poster... I've just returned from a lovely week abroad with the boyfriend, while the DCs were staying at their Dad's, or so I thought...
Calls and texts from the police told me otherwise. DD15 told her dad she was on a sleepover elsewhere and threw a "gathering" at my house. Word got out, randoms turned up, stealing precious items and trashing the house and garden. Fortunately a neighbour called the police, who ended the party. DD15 was very drunk, the police and called and texted me (I didn't see this until the morning) and eventually turned up on her dad's doorstep.

It's the classic tale... but I didn't expect this for another few years - DD only just turned 15 last month. She has cleaned up a bit and I paid for a cleaner to come while away, but there is still a lot of damage: broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.
I feel that I have been drip fed information about this and that it is so much worse than described, I feel violated, angry and deeply upset.

For a little context, I've had a bad month in which our beloved (and very old) family dog died, my car died and I lost my freelance contract, so suddenly find myself without any work, money and no money coming at the month end as I would have to go to court to get it - and it's not worth the stress with this particular client. So I would love some advice as to what to do and also whether IABU to be so devastated by this and so angry.

DD needs consequences. Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week. So I don't think we will be on the same page.

I'm also just so broken at the moment from the other things that have been going on, that further conflict feels like something I will not welcome!

Would would you do in this situation?

I agree, the Dad isn't parenting adequately at all.
Something really bad could have happened to the girl.

I wouldn't blame dad here for that...my teens sort their own social life now. I used to arrange things like sleepovers with parents, but now they are 15 and 16, if they say I'm staying at Josh's house, where I have previously met his mum and know where he lives, I wouldn't ring her to check that was the plan, I'd trust that was happening.

Obviously, moving forwards after this huge breach of trust

Just to add, yes you are right to be horrified. If she’d had a party with your and your ex’s permission and this happened I would have some sympathy but she lied to both of you, plus got herself drunk so she couldn’t stop things, plus managed to get this publicised on social media (and who, in this day and age, is STUPID enough to not realise this can happen).

Agree that the phone/ iPad go. Personally I’d sell them and give them to your DS as a compensation for his medals, he must be devastated. I’d say she should also be getting a part time job and giving every penny to you for the next 6 months at least to help you replace the broken/ damaged stuff. And try to get her dad on the same page. She can work towards getting a brick phone at Christmas- but no social media. None.

That said, try not to take this personally, I suspect she’d horrified and ashamed- but this episode suggests to me that she’s overly influenced by friends/ socialising/ showing off- and she’s still very young- so this does need addressing (which will also be helped by getting rid of her phone/ social media).

Wow. You poor thing. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. How awful.

For a start, I would take her key off her and tell her until she shows more maturity she will be going into afterschool homework clubs (if she isnt already) and will not be able to have a key whilst at her dads.
I would clamp down on her socials/phone use too.

All good advice.

You anbu to be furious and disappointed. But stand back from a punishment perspective. First she needs to understand that you are a person with feelings not just a mum. Second she may be vulnerable due to her online friendship circle with people in it who would do this- what else would they do?

So I would parallel clean with her. Side by side in silence if necessary. Keep at it, both of you for however long it takes.

If you take her phone she can emotionaly by pass personal responsiblity and put her emotions into resentment.
Don't protect her from the damage to you or the house. If you cry then cry dont hide it. Explain as you work what those medals meant to DS. If anyone is getting them back it will be her through her network.
Make her a partner in the consequences. Dont shout. Don't create any space for any drama except seeing and feeling how much this has hurt her family.

Nothing else to add.

I just sorry your ex is such a piece of shit. Letting her go out with friends a few days later just appalling.

Your DD probably thought she was being VERY clever by duping her dad to host a party. What larks!! She won’t feel so clever for the foreseeable when she finds out that she won’t be trusted to do anything or go anywhere.

I think you need to discuss with her something like that she gets a Saturday job to contribute towards the costs of cleaning up, and the stolen and broken things.

And she has to make a sincere apology to her brother re the sports medals. You might all have a discussion about what she can do to make amends.

She already has been trusted to go out though, by her dipshit if a father, a few days later.

Do she’s learned nothing.

Instead of presents for the next few years she can repay for the damage that way. I expect she will never do the same again but it is a well known situation ,someone puts a message on SM and all sorts of people turn up. Get her dad to help repay the damage. Next time you go away take her keys off her and she stays with her dad. She can't be trusted. She is a teenager but sadly a very stupid one.

I can just see the reasoning you and others on this board with their 'she must be so upset, have a chat
' stance reason.

I can see it so well, I can write it out as if I were one of that brigade.

Here it is:

"Oh no! Your poor daughter. have you thought that she too must have been in emotional turmoil?

After all, she has seen you with a new boyfriend, going off on holiday while she is shunted off to her dad's. How lonely and unwanted she must have felt.

Also, don't forget that she too has suffered the loss of your dog and may have picked up on the fact that there are money worries-although not enough to stop you going away. Where was her break, her chance to breathe?

She clearly didn't get the support needed at her dad's either and needed the support of her peer group. How sad that she couldn't confide this to her dad or feel that she could ask them over to her dad's.

Instead, she went to her home-her home-her place of safety-for a simple pyjama party and she may have had a drink-she's 15 that's natural for goodness sake.

Then Some Big Boys came along and trashed the place and They Ran Away.

So, now her trust has been broken by her mum, her dad and yes-in a sense- by the dog who died and left her.

Have a chat, by all means. Tell her how disappointed and upset you are.

Could you clean up together? It would help you both to bond, to heal, and would be a natural consequence.

Ignore the loons on this thread and their talk of punishment. The girl needs love, understanding, cuddles and an honest promise to her that she will never be abandoned again.

I hope she forgives you and I hope you findThe Big Boys Wot Done It And Ran Away.

Sending you both love and hot chocolate! "

And if that's not exactly it, it's as near as damn it!

@IllBiteYourLegsOff I'd be pointing out to the ex, that if it had been his house that she trashed, he would probably not have given in on the grounding. And that as you are the one having to deal with the consequences (practical, financial and emotional) of DD's actions, the very least he can do is abide by your agreed consequences for DD.

I wouldnt even be able to talk to her i would leave her at her dads for a week let her stew

I agree. She’d need to live with her dad until I got over this. How devastating and such a breach of trust.

Oh for goodness sake ..

I would want her father to actually see the state of the place, in the hope he is then fully onboard with how this is handled. It is all fine taking her phone, until he replaces it.

I would also want her making the effort to track down the stolen items. Via the school if needs be, to make contact with the Y11 leaver parents.

I would lay out exactly how much this has cost financially and emotionally and ask her how she plans to make it right. I don't know how I would ever be able to leave her home alone (yes, she was meant to be at her dad's) and she needs to understand that. Do you have Ring cameras at all? If not, get them, make sure she knows the house can be watched remotely - I made sure my 16 year old knew that before I first left him, and let the neighbours know I was away and asked them to get in touch if anything seemed off.

This is without question in the grand scheme of things Really Bad.

It could have been a lot worse - sexual assault. Are dd and her friends all ok?

Yes this needs serious consequences - have the police been contacted? Detail every penny of damage and work out a plan for her to pay for a percentage reasonable to her age.

Yes her phone and tablet go.

Yes to trying to find and contact the parents of the children who did this and trying to recovery the medals.

You sound like a lovely mum and you and she will get thru this but certainly serious consequences need to play out.

I found around age 15 to be the worst for this behaviour.

Poor you, OP. Be 100% frank with your daughter about money worries and the whole shebang. That's all bad enough but to have this theft and vandalism on top is appalling. Are you going to be discussing with her father about checking in future that she is where she says she is? I certainly fell for that one too - they whole friendship group claimed be at someone else's house, then one phone call was made and it all fell apart. As I see it, her father has a fair bit of responsibility for this happening.

I’m so with you. Especially the real idea of a ‘chat’. No wonder some children do these things. Wishy washy consequences.
and lol to grounding. That is the very bare minimum.

It's absolutely horrific, isn't it? The girl needs to understand that it's not just a mess which can be cleaned up - the house has been trashed and raided.
"Cleaning up together"? I don't think so.

Awful for you and at such a stressful time. I hope she’s truly remorseful when you see her. Thank god nothing awful happened to her while she was so out of it.
Regarding the possessions that have gone missing, can you discreetly speak to the Head of Year 12 at the school so they can speak to their students and put the word around about the medals etc.? I know similar has been done at the school I work at with some success. Good luck.

Sit down with her and start with tell me everything.
Do not interrupted her.
Tell her how disappointed and hurt you are. Tell her of your sadness at your house being destroyed and your things stolen.
Tell her about your money struggles.
Tell her how she will now be screen and social media free. You take away her phone, and put forbidden websites on her laptop. She has to get a Saturday job to contribute to the financial loss.

In this situation I’d also be thinking about the friends who aided and abetted her - her close friends will have been in on it and in my experience (lots of us have been here OP, and it is awful) there’s a question of what their contribution to the reckoning should be and whether some of the other parents should be informed. Her true friends should be showing up to help her make amends.

She’s made a terrible error in thinking she could control the situation and while you have every right to be furious I would lean into the questions here about risky behaviour and about who your real friends are.