It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

[IllBiteYourLegsOff]

Longtime lurker, first time poster... I've just returned from a lovely week abroad with the boyfriend, while the DCs were staying at their Dad's, or so I thought...
Calls and texts from the police told me otherwise. DD15 told her dad she was on a sleepover elsewhere and threw a "gathering" at my house. Word got out, randoms turned up, stealing precious items and trashing the house and garden. Fortunately a neighbour called the police, who ended the party. DD15 was very drunk, the police and called and texted me (I didn't see this until the morning) and eventually turned up on her dad's doorstep.

It's the classic tale... but I didn't expect this for another few years - DD only just turned 15 last month. She has cleaned up a bit and I paid for a cleaner to come while away, but there is still a lot of damage: broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.
I feel that I have been drip fed information about this and that it is so much worse than described, I feel violated, angry and deeply upset.

For a little context, I've had a bad month in which our beloved (and very old) family dog died, my car died and I lost my freelance contract, so suddenly find myself without any work, money and no money coming at the month end as I would have to go to court to get it - and it's not worth the stress with this particular client. So I would love some advice as to what to do and also whether IABU to be so devastated by this and so angry.

DD needs consequences. Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week. So I don't think we will be on the same page.

I'm also just so broken at the moment from the other things that have been going on, that further conflict feels like something I will not welcome!

Would would you do in this situation?

Don’t be so insane. 🙄 ‘burn her stuff’.

Strong consequences, obviously but leaving her with a toothbrush & o be set of clothes is ridiculous and impractical.

A week??? This girl would be living like the Amish if she were mine. No phone, no iPad. Laptop for school work only which is done in the communal areas of the house. No after school clubs and no socialising with friends. Free time will be spent on chores or homework. Until I say so. School grades had better be impeccable.

Unfortunately it sounds like Fun Dad would likely buy her all new devices and let her go to a rave the very next day.

@IllBiteYourLegsOff we had an almost identical event. Some of my fury was a sense of violation that my private space had been entered by people I didn't know, doors kicked in, and some of my belongings broken or stolen. But I think my biggest reaction was due to the realisation of how much worse it could have been - for my property, but more alarmingly for dd. Anything could have happened! She was drunk, scared, not in control of the situation, and didn't think to call for adult help or the police when things went badly wrong.

15 years later we (her parents) are over it, but she hates it being brought up and says she can't believe how stupid she was to put herself in such a vulnerable position.

I did this at 15. There was no stealing but they wrecked the place The worst was Mum's beautiful flower beds, she was so upset. YANBU to feel devastated and extremely angry

When this happened at my party it was terrifying. It came as an enormous shock that things could go so badly wrong so quickly, and I didn't know what to do, I felt paralysed and couldn't stop it. It felt like a massive slap to remind me I wasn't as grown up as I thought I was, I was still a kid and couldn't be left in charge. So your DD may already be feeling chastened from this experience.

She fucked up, she puts it right. She does the cleaning and the mending and pays for repairs and replacements (through money or chores). She puts everything back how it was (within reason, she's only 15).

This experience will likely stay with her for life and if she's any sort of decent kid she'll feel better about it if she was able to do whatever she could to put things right, even if she doesn't feel like that now.

Agree with this.

This got out of hand because she lied. She lied to her dad about where she was and organised the “gathering”.

I think I would seriously be considering whether to make her live with her dad for a while. She’s broken your trust , her brother trust and his special medals and trophies have gone missing.

She can come around everyday and clean, even after she goes back to school next week.

When the house is back to how you want it she can live in it.

She has to pay for it. No phone allowed, no money for going out etc.

She needs to be sorry and feel the absolute consequences of lying.

But then I’ve always come down on ds more for lying than making mistakes.

By a child with no knowledge from the parents. Worth checking out.

When we’re less strict and maybe quite liberal, our kids push us harder to get a reaction. If you’ve not been big on punishment in the past (like myself and the ex), it makes it really hard to know what to do. You trusted her, you must be so upset by all by this, I think I’d get some professional help with it. Talk to your gp about getting help. Meanwhile, I’d have a long talk with her and don’t hold back on how hurt you are.

Your daughter lied to her Dad, held a party at her own home, whilst knowing full well it was empty. Yes, she is responsible for the fact randoms turned up. No, your daughter may not have advertised the party on Snapchat but if she hadn't been having the party, there'd be no party to advertise for randoms to turn up too!

Your daughter needs to learn that all behaviour has consequences. Your daughter has massively broken your trust and that of her Dad's too. No electronic devices, no friends over and she helps you clean up the mess.

Having to make some physical effort to clean up the mess, might make more of an impact, because it effects her. Paying a cleaner is all very well (and in some cases someone like a window cleaner might be needed) but it's putting the physical responsibility onto someone else!

I don't think she's entirely responsible for the actions of random strangers

But I'd focus on what she did

I'd focus on actions and natural consequences eg you're grounded cos i can't trust that you'll be where you told me, checking with friends' parents if she's actually there, no treat days out for a while cos still paying for the cost of replacing X. No time to cook a nice meal as we need to spend that time cleaning. Frame it as natural consequences, rather than angry random punishments. FAFO

And let her see how sad you are that the house was trashed

I get what you’re saying with mine I found shorter punishments gave them more incentive to behave. But I feel the taking responsibility is the most important part she needs to pay it back

Why so?

She has enabled the destroying and theft of her mother's and brother's stuff.

It certainly is not insane to leave her with the bare minimum at all-it's a justifiable response.

By the by, I'd like to know exactly how much of her room and stuff was nicked or damaged.

Anyway, it sounds as if the OP is going to have a "good chat" with her, so that's all right then.

Absolutely agree with this.

And I would be bloody livid with the ex and his attitude: he was the one that didn't check out the fictional "sleepover" and then resiled from the agreed grounding that was supposed to be the punishment.

He's an irresponsible fuckwit imo.

I am so sorry to hear this. Not read all comments but I have read all of yours so far. You said it was year 11 leavers from recent GCSE'S - can you find a Facebook group for that year group and join / post and make parents aware and see if a bunch of medals have appeared in their homes?

That’s so sad about your son’s medals. Maybe your daughter can try to get them back via social media and ask for someone to just drop them off at the door no questions asked. Then I’d take the phone and ground her. Her dad needs to be on the same page with that.

@IllBiteYourLegsOff

I’m so sorry. You poor thing. That’s horrendous.

I agree with the ‘natural consequences’ approach others have covered. I too have a 15 yo who is very hard work, as well as two older DC, and I’m a single parent. I really get it.

I think it’s important to separate out the elements she had responsibility for, and those she didn’t. For example, deciding to hold the party and lying are the big things; also her decision to drink - I’d be devastated. People seem to be surprised word of the party got out - it’s easily done. All it takes are a few invitees to say it to their friends and so on. It doesn’t require any additional posting on SM. That part could have been quite terrifying for DD, and so I think you can show empathy there (obviously still her fault, at the end of the day!)

pf course she needs consequences but make them doable - people saying to ‘ground her for a year’ are not being realistic! I think a 3 month timeframe where there are limits, but also lots of conversations about expectations so she knows how to make better decisions in the future.

Hope things get easier OP 💐

Have you asked the police if they are investigating the criminal damage and theft?

At the very least I would ask DD to:

• show you all the messages she sent inviting people/publicising the "gathering"
• give you a list of all the people she invited
• Writes what she can remember about the people who came - if she was drunk she won't remember much towards the end but surely she will know who turned up before she got drunk, and if she doesn't know names she can give descriptions.

Also if the people causing criminal damage were Y11 leavers I would notify the school, not that they are the school's responsibility but I would still want to make the school aware.

Come on you don’t go that far. It’s bad and needs consequences but don’t utterly destroy your relationship long term over it.

Whose kids are these that do actual damage to the house of someone nice enough to ask them to a party? Careless damage is one thing but intentional is upsetting.

HRTFT. MN seems to view it as normal that teenagers rebel and hate their parents, that if they're fortunate they become human again once their frontal lobe is fully developed.

I'm the parent of three adult DC, the youngest is now nineteen. They never went through a stage of being embarrassed to be around DH and I, getting hammered and having parties. This despite the two eldest being diagnosed under ten with ADHD.

Only yesterday the youngest came with me to a supermarket. She's home for the Summer from university. I assumed she came because she wanted some shopping. She told me she came so she could help me.

If I went away my DC knew they could have friends here, which they did. Your DD must have planned much more than this. They planned to lie and hold a party. Your DD knew she didn't have access to your home to have friends over. If that's what she wanted she could have invited them to your XDH's home. She might not have expected everything that happened, but she had no right to be at your house whilst you were away.

Will your house insurance cover the damage and theft? I assume you have the police involved. I would have reported it. Is DD sorry? Does she realise what she has done to not only your home, but your trust in her?

My DC had no interest in drinking. They knew they could have it if the wanted, even at fifteen. They never needed to sneak off and drink. Some may think me outrageous for this but it avoided rebellion or them sneaking off to party.

My fear was never for my home and possessions. My teen brother died whilst out with a friend. Does your DD realise this could have happened to her? The death of DB influenced my parenting. I was determined my DC would never need to sneak out to a party or drink.

I was open and none judgemental. DC could talk to me about anything and even if inside I was squirming with embarrassment (my parents discussed nothing), they knew I'd listen and offer advice. By taking away all taboos there was no reason to rebel. I never tried to be a cool mum or their friend. I was just a safe guide through the tough years.

My thoughts exactly. He was responsible for her and should not have allowed a "sleepover" and definitely not let our if "grounded". Seems her attitude comes from him 🤔. TBH if the damage is that bad and sentimental things have been stolen Im not sure if I could forgive that quickly! My initial reaction would be that she stays at her dad's until I could accept her back in the house. Both my kids did stupid stuff but they would never have trashed their home. Im not sure what punishment would fit but she definitely would be grounded no phone/computer/social media/no new clothes/trips out etc etc. All costs would have to be paid back, if no funds then jobs around the house. At 15 she is old enough to know that this stuff happens when you sneak out and have "parties" at home. Im angry on your behalf and it would take a loooooong time for me to forgive and especially to trust her again. As for her dad, what a knob letting her off her "grounding" already, obviously doesnt want to be the "bad guy" or is too weak to stick to agreed punishments. How is she going to repay your other child for losing his medals etc? If I was her I would not be looking forward to your return. Sorry your trip is spoilt but particularly sorry about your dog, I know how hard that can hit x

Oh come on. What kind of parenting would ‘burning her stuff’ be? How can she practically exist with a toothbrush & scant clothes?

A combination of strong consequences, with meaning, and talking, is needed.

You sent the DC to stay with their Dad.
He allowed her to stay out without any form of checking.
Something very serious could have happened to her, so she's going to need close, proper supervision, not "laissez-faire" parenting or "I pick my battles".
Proper boundaries from now on, and the DC staying with the Dad unless he parents properly.
You'll have to calculate the expense of the damage and a programme of repairs. The DD can contribute as much as she can.

Why does your ex (her father) seemingly get a pass? DD was in his care and control and it sounds like he completely dropped the ball. She told him that she was sleeping over at a friends and what? He didn't bother to check, just took her word for it? Being less strict is fine, but he still needs to parent his child. She was grounded but he basically just didn't bother with it! Honestly, you both got off lghtly and I would be telling him that. Otherwise, you might have to get used to police visits.

I would certainly want to know how she proposes to make things up to your son.

Drink and drugs, lack of parental supervision, too much money....

Your DD needs to know how absolutely broken you are by the sight of your precious home being wrecked and by the theft of the family's precious items. And by the thought of her being so dangerously drunk in that situation where nobody was safeguarding her.

Let her see your despair…… especially at being lied to.
Ask all the difficult questions so that you know exactly what happened and how it snowballed. Where did the alcohol come from. Was she taken advantage of in any way and by whom.

If she doesn’t organise a cleaning party herself with all her friends chipping in to help, then please suggest it to her. It’s the least she should do.

Also ask her to post on SM asking for the return of stolen items and for the replacement of broken and smashed items and plants.

It was a violation of your home and garden from her school community so the kids and their parents need to be aware of the circumstances and the results of their offsprings’ smashing party night out.

Her father also needs to show accountability as it all happened on his watch. So invite him to help with the costs of cleaning, fixing/mending and replacement items.
And of quizzing her to get a full picture.

Keep a close watch on her phone OP, once you decide she can be trusted to have it back.
Your DD needs to prove she is worthy of a fresh start by demonstrating real regret for her part in the shameful incident.
Wishing you better luck for the next term.