It's the classic "DD15 threw an out of control party while I was on holiday" thread. AIBU to be this upset/angry?

[IllBiteYourLegsOff]

Longtime lurker, first time poster... I've just returned from a lovely week abroad with the boyfriend, while the DCs were staying at their Dad's, or so I thought...
Calls and texts from the police told me otherwise. DD15 told her dad she was on a sleepover elsewhere and threw a "gathering" at my house. Word got out, randoms turned up, stealing precious items and trashing the house and garden. Fortunately a neighbour called the police, who ended the party. DD15 was very drunk, the police and called and texted me (I didn't see this until the morning) and eventually turned up on her dad's doorstep.

It's the classic tale... but I didn't expect this for another few years - DD only just turned 15 last month. She has cleaned up a bit and I paid for a cleaner to come while away, but there is still a lot of damage: broken furniture, lots of broken glass inside and out, indoor plants emptied outside, smashed pictures, stolen jewellery and DS's prized sports medal collection. The house was egged inside and out, lots of unreachable egg on the second floor windows. They found my fire extinguisher and set it off inside the house. It still smells a week on of damp. Packets of lentils emptied throughout, including in the above ground pool.
I feel that I have been drip fed information about this and that it is so much worse than described, I feel violated, angry and deeply upset.

For a little context, I've had a bad month in which our beloved (and very old) family dog died, my car died and I lost my freelance contract, so suddenly find myself without any work, money and no money coming at the month end as I would have to go to court to get it - and it's not worth the stress with this particular client. So I would love some advice as to what to do and also whether IABU to be so devastated by this and so angry.

DD needs consequences. Her dad has already let go of the grounding we agreed to and she was out with her friends already one night this week. So I don't think we will be on the same page.

I'm also just so broken at the moment from the other things that have been going on, that further conflict feels like something I will not welcome!

Would would you do in this situation?

OP you must be devastated, I’m so sorry this has happened. It sounds like you really need some immediate cash to help pay for the damage, could you possibly set up a GoFundMe, with pictures of the damage and send it to as many parents of attendees that you can? If my DC had attended a party where someone’s home was wrecked, I’d happily contribute using my own DCs pocket money.

Losing the sports medals must be devastating for your DS, I know how hard won they are. Your DD really must do her absolute utmost to get those back. Someone will know who took them and she needs to take responsibility for getting those back.

"Living like the Amish" was exactly the same thing that came to my mind when I thought about what the consequences would be for my kid. And it would be for a hell of a lot longer than a week.

I’d be raging and heartbroken- it’s such a huge abuse of trust for you and poor DS.

Agree with the suggestions about natural consequences. She pays for cleaning and damage. She puts up posters locally requesting return of DS’s medals. She apologises to you all for lying. She hands over passwords so you can check her social media and loses her phone and any other tech plus the house keys, indefinitely.

Steady on with the whole live like an Amish thing 🙄. Yes it’s bad and consequences are definitely needed but don’t go too far and annihilate your relationship. No one has died. She needs to be able to come to you in the future. I speak as someone who flies off the handle. We had a much much more minor version of this and I got too angry. I do regret that now.

No-one has died
That was surely down to luck.

This happened on her father's watch.

Had she caused damage and destruction on someone else's property I daresay that owner would be coming for him for compensation.

I would consider telling her father he is jointly responsible for the financial losses.

At her age I think equipping her to make good decisions is more important than punishment. If she is sorry and remorseful.

Giving her strong coaching on resisting peer pressure. Thinking through consequences. About when to call for adult help. About thinking what is more important - her having fun or respecting other people's property.

I would find out how she came to make such a choice. Talk through with her what was in her head. Ban her from outside socialising with any friends in cahoots. Understanding the consequences of what she has done - disturbance to the neighbour, her name known to police, if the neighbour hadn't got it stopped she could have been very seriously at risk - drink related , sexual assault etc.

Getting her to think and listen are more effective at this age than punishment, IME.

You obviously have failed to instill a sense of responsibilty in your daughter- I would let someone else have a go- I would send her to boarding school , they will give her unbreakable boundaries, and it will also take her away from her friend group, which is obviously a big part of the problem.
Grounding her is nowhere near enough to mitigate behaviour like this- she started with deception (the sleepover, she exploited her Dad's relaxed attitude-he did not check) she then went on to completely disrespect your, and her own home, and she allowed even more outrageous behaviour by her friends- the stealing, the breaking things and egging.
She does not respect lor appreciate her home, therefore remove her from it so she can she it's value.

No phone or money for a few months at least. And long days cleaning, until it's clean. That's her weekends taken care of. Make sure you put your feet up.

I think you should be asking your house insurance if they will cover the damage.
Your dd should ask her friends that attended to put a few £s in to cover the cleaning. I would install ring door bells at all entry and exit points after this, as despite her remorse you are never going to feel relaxed going out in the evenings with this hanging over you.

I would also have some punishments ready for her. No phone for a week and cleaning of the entire house and garden. Washing windows etc.

Once settled down, you both need to talk about alcohol and why she felt the need to get so drunk. She is very young. I would be most worried about the danger of drinking at this age.

The trouble is, it's not just dirty, it's trashed. She's not a builder.

honestly I'd get her to sell her stuff to make it good. You're clearly not an impoverished family if you have a pool and a three story house so I'm assuming she will have some stuff worth a few quid whether that's a birthday handbag or jewellery or whatever. Unless it's a bequeathed necklace from a deceased grandparent, it can go. Sell her phone and give her a second half one from 5 generations ago. Even if she only sells hoodies for £3 on vinted it can all add up, and, tbh is a good excuse for a clear out anyway.

While some stuff, like the additional people turning up, might be out of her control, SHE made the decision to have a party, SHE made the decision to drink and then keep drinking, SHE made the decision to not call her dad or the police when the uninvited people showed up and started causing issues...

Op ignore the batshit “send her to borstal / shave her head / march her through them streets while the public shout shame at her”
brigade. They would never do that to their own teens!

I am so sorry. What jewellery has gone missing? Just ordinary stuff, I hope, and not proper high-end and/or sentimental things.

I think you should be asking your house insurance if they will cover the damage.

They almost certainly won't. Your daughter let these people in, and they would argue that you were partly responsible.

And simply for attempting a claim like this, they'll put up your premium next year, as you've demonstrated a possible future risk.

Excellent post. Very well said.

The other punishment is she won’t be allowed into the house when you are away until she’s 18 - install an extra lock for use when you are out of town and don’t give dc a copy.

That's absolutely awful for you, I would be absolutely devastated as apart from the physical destruction and losses from your house your daughter has acted appallingly, totally disregarding your feelings or respecting your property. To have friends in and make a mess is one thing, but for young people to deliberately destroy and trash your property and steal from you is totally out of order. Doubt your house insurance would offer any retribution either. I would see if I could find out who some of the "friends," she had invited were, possibly through school, and inform their parents what has happened in the hope they may offer to help with repairs etc. Her father should be supporting you in terms of her punishment and the clean up but I would definitely withdraw all privileges and ground her whilst she is in your care.

She lied and deceived and drank so much she wasn’t aware of her own safety or that of your home. YANBU!!!

Firstly, she was fortunate to be safe. She needs to see how that is a matter of luck and nothing else. You could have been dealing with a devastated daughter as well as a damaged home. I’d be talking about that.

Secondly, her luck at being safe means she is now to sort out the mess she made. She has no money now, but she will int he future. This is a long-term bill for you to agree and her to pay as soon as she can. 20% from her first incomes to pay for whatever is needed

Thirdly, if she won’t tell you who the children were, maybe someone else can — those lovely polite friends of hers who weren’t drunk…

Also she gets a job - if she tries there is employment, we have a young lad who washes and vacuums our cars because he needs money for a school trip and he leafleted the neighbourhood to get clients. Babysitting is another idea, she needs to make amends even if it’s covering every penny

Ok let’s not get carried away now. How to alienate your daughter permanently!
I used to work in a boarding school, there were drugs found, pupils sneaked out at night , underage drinking. Just because it’s a boarding school doesn’t mean perfect behaviour . Plus being away from home and family is hard, things are better now in boarding schools but my husband was quite scarred by his days boarding .

Oh OP, that sounds awful.

1. DD put herself in a situation where she wasn't safe, for a start. Anything could have happened to a drunk just 15 year old in the unsupervised company of out of control older teens. She must have felt helpless and vulnerable and that's a lesson in itself. The kids knew what the consequences would be for her, and they didn't care. Socially (which is massive for a girl her age) this is devastating for your DD. She's been humiliated and is already suffering.

1. It's the deceit. I appreciate that teens are impulsive and reactive, but this was planned and calculated.

She didn't mean it. Of course she needs punishment but mostly she needs education. People get hurt in situations like the one she put herself in. Yes the state of the house is something I'd be getting a payment plan in place for, but the scariest part for me is how unsafe DD and her friends were until the police showed up. What might have happened if they hadn't doesn't bear thinking about.