AIBU to say 6:30am isn’t the middle of the night?

[Shezz95]

Little backstory:

We have two children (4 and 4 months), I breastfeed so wake up with the baby but he’s a good sleeper and usually wakes up once around 4/5am. At the weekend my husband and I take turns having a lie in and getting up with the kids - in my eyes a lie in should be an hour ish so that we can still spend time together and do the morning dog walk

Yesterday I woke up at 6 to feed the baby and then went downstairs with them both around 6:20. Baby’s routine is having first nap on the dog walk 2 (ish) hours after waking. Husband is still asleep at 8:20 so I’m trying to get dressed and get kids sorted without waking him, but am also a bit annoyed as he will be out from 10am all day, so kids won’t see him

He wakes up and quickly gets dressed to come on the dog walk and then is out at the football from 10:30 - 3:30, he then gets home and says he’s popping to the pub as it’s his friends dads birthday. He comes back at about 6 and we do bedtime together - not really relevant but just that he’s not seen the kids much today and he usually does either football or cricket one day a weekend so we only have one family day

My 4 year old hasn’t been very well, very lethargic and doesn’t want to eat. This morning he comes in at 6:20 saying he’s thirsty and wants milk. Husband says we don’t get drinks in the middle of the night and that he can only have water. 4YO is crying more and more as he wants milk (probably hungry after not eating much). The baby then wakes up happily babbling.

I say it’s probably best to just wake up now as it’s usual wake up time anyway and he’s poorly etc. husband is trying to get him back to sleep - he’s not going to go as it’s 6:30 and he’s just getting more upset, so I go into the room and husband starts shooing me away and saying I give in to every little whim (I don’t, I’m usually the one disciplining/carrying out consequences). I said I’ll just wake up with them then. He calls me a martyr and starts telling me to fuck off and that I’m being fucking ridiculous etc. I feel like he just doesn’t want to wake up early with them even after hardly seeing them yesterday

AIBU to say 6:30am isn’t the middle of the night and our ill child should be allowed to have a glass of milk!?

There is nothing wrongl with saying only water that early and to go back to bed until 8pm. That's what my children got used to. No need for everyone to be sleep deprived. It also gives them clock reading skills. Leave a glass of water at the side of the bed.

I think I have been parenting all wrong. I gave my sick kids anything they asked for at any time, and certainly at 6.30 am.

As your child was poorly, then I would have woken up with them and got them milk.
I’d have likely dozed on the sofa.

But on a day when they’re not poorly, I would have told them to have water for now and they can have milk when you get up in a bit.

I assume most parents of young kids get up around 7 anyway and so it’s not like it was ridiculously early.

I mostly agree with all this but that pov leaves out the detail of the child being unwell and not eating much yesterday. That would be the difference between me sticking to the water only rule or getting up and giving milk.

OP, this is appalling verbally abusive behaviour by a selfish bare minimum dad.

Only the really poor dads behave like this.
He's like a single man.

Unfortunately your bar is low if you think his single lifestyle is compatible with a family.

His foul language, no doub around your children, is completely unacceptable.

I hope you have family support because you and your children deserve better than this arsehole.

When I read posts like this and a lot of the replies it all just sounds so depressing.

When our kids were small and they woke up early one of us would go and get them milk then we’d put them in our bed in the middle with some cartoons and we’d usually all end up dozing until 8.

There was none of this dh disappearing for half the weekend every weekend.

Weekends were for visiting family together, going to the park with the dc, cooking together, days out or doing the garden/DIY.

It’s like some couples on mumsnet hate spending time together.

If he’s out all day at football, he should be up with the kids as soon as they’re up, walking the dog on his own (why the hell do you do it together?!) and giving you a lie in, as much as possible around feeds, until he leaves.

If Dh is out with friends at night (and that is rare because we prioritise weekends as a family) and I’m at home doing everything, he’s the one who gets up at 6am, drinks the night before or not, and takes the kids out for the day so I get a break then.

Find your voice OP. We’re treated how we allow ourself to be treated. Personally I’d be making arrangements to disappear for a couple of hours. I mean surely he can’t complain, as he does the same weekly? Get in touch with a friend or family member and go for lunch or coffee somewhere. Hint that this might become a regular thing. Take back control, even if just for a couple of hours a week.

Christ this is sad. You’re on reduced wage but still expected to pay half, so you had to save up? I view that as financial abuse

I wouldn’t be cuddling anyone who told me to fuck off. Especially when I spent the previous day caring for their poorly children while they go to football and pub. Whilst running down my savings to pay bills on maternity leave. What a revolting, selfish man.

How on earth does she seem unbearable?!

OP- I totally agree- a 4 year old who’s been unwell wanting milk at 6.20am is entirely within the realms of reasonable/normal. If it were my turn to get up I’d just be pleased they were better and sort them out with milk, blanket on the sofa and some tv whilst I pottered/had a coffee.

Mine are old enough to get themselves breakfast but we used to alternate weekend lie ins and 9am was the norm unless one of us had been out/very tired or up with the kids a lot in the night.

I agree with you.

Unless swearing is the norm in a household, then a man saying or doing something that he wouldn't have dreamed of doing on your first few dates is totally unacceptable.

It shows that familiarity has bred contempt and once that has happened who know what will happen next.

He should speak to you-and you to him-with love and respect.

If either party loses their head, there should be an immediate apology.

Do not allow yourself to be treated worse than he would treat his mother, his friends or his employer. If you think you are being, then you need to have a long cool look at the situation.

Loving someone means you treat them better than anyone else or at least try to. No-one is a plaster saint but if being loved and treated well is the exception rather than the rule, then why make yourself into a rub rag.

Of course, if you live in a chaotic unloving household when you are both telling each other to fuck off to the extent that "tone matters" then crack on and revel in the happy home.

I couldn't stand to be in a relationship with someone who disappeared for half the weekend and spoke to me with such disrespect.

It isn't hyperbole at all!

I feel sorry for the poor 4 year old! Not very well, waking up at his normal wake up time, hungry because he's not eaten, and being told by his dad that he can't have a glass of milk and he needs to go back to bed. Then he wants to stop OP seeing to him and causes a scene over it

What a prick.

I don’t think OP has elaborated outside this one point, that much, on how they do things jointly, financially. Everyone does things differently when it comes to finance. Me and my dh have separate accounts. Although he earns more than me we split bills 50/50, but it all balances out, as he will pay for holidays or meals out. Everyone has different set ups. There’s no wrong or right way, just a way that works for you.

Just focus on your own relationship issues maybe @Morethanalover

Maybe in your relationship @Morethanalover

but clearly not the case in the OP’s hence her starting the thread

After being unwell and possibly off his food, the little child might suddenly be hungry.

I feel so sorry for children that are exposed to such foul men.

Lie ins, football, the pub, verbally abusing their post partum partners, angry and foul mouthed around a child recovering from illness.

Absolutely toxic and abusive behaviour.
OP, tell your family and friends you need support.
I feel so sorry for you and your children.

He's a low life and you need support.

Oh calm down

Here you are, thankfully a tiny tiny minority basically saying that the OP is in the wrong and saying fuck off to you partner in front of your children is totally ok, when you have your own relationship issues and planning to leave. So focus on that rather than downplaying what to most of us is a pretty disturbing spat

You say he is quite sweary
BUT he is swearing at you. I have been with DH for over 40 years never sworn at each other.