AIBU to say 6:30am isn’t the middle of the night?

[Shezz95]

Little backstory:

We have two children (4 and 4 months), I breastfeed so wake up with the baby but he’s a good sleeper and usually wakes up once around 4/5am. At the weekend my husband and I take turns having a lie in and getting up with the kids - in my eyes a lie in should be an hour ish so that we can still spend time together and do the morning dog walk

Yesterday I woke up at 6 to feed the baby and then went downstairs with them both around 6:20. Baby’s routine is having first nap on the dog walk 2 (ish) hours after waking. Husband is still asleep at 8:20 so I’m trying to get dressed and get kids sorted without waking him, but am also a bit annoyed as he will be out from 10am all day, so kids won’t see him

He wakes up and quickly gets dressed to come on the dog walk and then is out at the football from 10:30 - 3:30, he then gets home and says he’s popping to the pub as it’s his friends dads birthday. He comes back at about 6 and we do bedtime together - not really relevant but just that he’s not seen the kids much today and he usually does either football or cricket one day a weekend so we only have one family day

My 4 year old hasn’t been very well, very lethargic and doesn’t want to eat. This morning he comes in at 6:20 saying he’s thirsty and wants milk. Husband says we don’t get drinks in the middle of the night and that he can only have water. 4YO is crying more and more as he wants milk (probably hungry after not eating much). The baby then wakes up happily babbling.

I say it’s probably best to just wake up now as it’s usual wake up time anyway and he’s poorly etc. husband is trying to get him back to sleep - he’s not going to go as it’s 6:30 and he’s just getting more upset, so I go into the room and husband starts shooing me away and saying I give in to every little whim (I don’t, I’m usually the one disciplining/carrying out consequences). I said I’ll just wake up with them then. He calls me a martyr and starts telling me to fuck off and that I’m being fucking ridiculous etc. I feel like he just doesn’t want to wake up early with them even after hardly seeing them yesterday

AIBU to say 6:30am isn’t the middle of the night and our ill child should be allowed to have a glass of milk!?

Your husband is a fkn arsehole

So he gets to spend his weekends basically as a single man doing what he wants with no responsibilities until he comes home to put them in bed and he’s verbally abusive to you. What a keeper.

Exactly @Morethanalover has been comprehensively pulled up on her posts and so … wants the thread to just end.

Nope, Mumsnet doesn’t work like that

I'm sorry what?

Why is it on you to save money for maternity leave?! Bloody hell. Parenting is a joint endeavour, DH should be contributing more over your maternity leave not half.

What the hell.

Valid that not every family can afford to survive on one wage coming in. But if a couple are planning to have another child - the couple save for the loss of income during maternity...maybe that's what the op meant?

You know exactly why women don’t leave arsehole husbands.

because it’s tough.

don’t be the person that minimises DV by saying “it it was that bad she’d have left”.

Whatever. I don't care to be honest.
Rather that than live vicariously through other people's drama and be somebody. who trawls through other people's past posts frothing all the time.

It's obviously a storm in a teacup that's over.

As I said if he were actively forbidding here from taking care of the child it'd be different.

Doesn't seem to have been the case though.
Not really.

I'd have given the child milk he was obviously hungry after being unwell and what kind of idiot tries to make a kid go back to sleep after they've slept most of the night? Tell him to get over himself.

I'm not.

This doesn't sound like dv, though.

Original question: 6.30 is the morning, and from the sound of it the usual wake up time for your child. You were up that time yesterday so it was his turn today if that is the system.

Though I would add that if either of you are up with the baby during the night, that person should get the lie in in the morning as it isn't so much a lie in as catching up on lost sleep. At 4 months my bf baby was still waking about 5 times a night so DH always did the morning shift to give me 2-3 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Re maternity leave/finances: unless you earn much more than your DH it doesn't sound fair that it is your savings being used to fund maternity leave i.e. essential childcare for your joint child. NB women's careers often take a hit from this time away in any event. Also bills shouldn't necessarily be 50:50, again it depends on how much you both earn.

The OP’s husband is the “kind of idiot”

but sadly… now minimising

I think you’re feeling (quite reasonably) resentful that he has a day to himself every weekend while you wrangle the kids. Maybe suggest that you take the other (non-sports) day to yourself for the next few weekends.

One of my friends suggested dh take up golf with her dh every Sat when my twins were a few months old - I flat out objected, dh wanted to have kids and looking after them all week by myself was bloody hard, he could at least be at home at the weekend sharing the parenting. I wouldn't be too happy about Saturday being an all day sports and then the pub - but we're all different.

It's exhausting having small kids, negotiating the rules and the jobs, sleepless nights - you need to look after each other and the kids, you both need to keep talking about your needs and wants too.

If DH EVER told me to fuck off he knows I’d do exactly that and pack my bags and leave!
How dare your husband speak to you like that!
I don’t have children but I do work with them so I will always encourage firm but fair boundaries however the poor little mite has been unwell and is obviously starving, of course as a loving carer you’re going to give him some milk as that’s what he needs (need not want is important).

Please just ignore twatty comments like that.

(Incidentally, there’s a couple of incelly posters who seem to come on every thread of this type these days.)

I’m not surprised you were fucked off with your husband. He was being ridiculous and horrible. Hope his apology lasts longer than today.

But why has he not also saved to cover your part of the bills? Yes contribute but you shouldn’t be paying half still while on Mat pay FFS

I don’t think that’s very fair tbh. I often tell my husband to fuck off, sometimes it’s playful, sometimes it is in mild annoyance.

He’s playfully winding me up
“oh will you fuck off”

He’s trying to get on with something and I’m being peformatively clingy
“go on, away with you, fuck off”

One of you is faffing about trying to leave the house
”could you hurry up and fuck off to the shops please”

One of you is making a slightly ridiculous point about something
“oh fuck off what are you talking about”

etc etc.

None of them are inherently poor ways to speak to someone within the context of your relationship. Tone and context do matter.

In the OPs case it’s hard to tell - she sounds like she was interfering when it was supposed to be DHs turn to sort the children and martyring herself by giving up her lie in. Children can be asked to wait or go back to bed, particularly at the weekend. He doesn’t need to come in at 6am and demand milk at 4. The way she has written it makes her DH sounds like a dickhead but his version of events could easily have been

My wife and I disagree about morning wake up times at the weekend. I think our 4yo should have to wait until 7:30 to go downstairs but she is happy for them
to be up from 6am. It’s causing a problem because we take turns to lie in and she ends up getting up on her lie in day to sort children and then accuses me of taking her time to rest. At 4yo I think children can be told to go back to bed and rest or to play quietly until a more socially acceptable hour.

it’s really easy to paint him as the villain from a one sided story. My exSIL used to do the same thing with my brother and their behaviour management for my niece. She would accuse him of not backing her up or not doing any parenting because her strategy was to shout at her and make her sit on the naughty step. When you watched it actually he WAS doing some parenting but it was softer and he preferred to jolly her along or distract, rather than cause a scene in front of people. If she had written a post he would have come out as unsupportive and lazy but it wasn’t the reality at all.

Do you get an equivalent of the football and the pub?

Never in the history of children has an upset, crying, poorly 4yo gone back to sleep at 6:30 (when it's light outside, and it sounds like 6:30 is your normal wake up time?!)

Your husband was being ridiculous. And I think it's equally ridiculous when people tell mums they mustn't undermine their husbands at all costs, even when said husband is causing measurable, unnecessary upset to a small child.

Great post.
'Fuck off' isn't always used as a term of aggression these days, just, as you say, mild annoyance.

It's replaced 'Oh for goodness sake' these days.

I agree with this. If you want him to deal with them, let him make the decisions. Mine weren't allowed anything other than water before 7am and we had a little clock to encourage staying in bed until 7.

You seem to want to control everything including how long a lie in is. He shouldn't have sworn at you but who wouldn't be annoyed at being constantly questioned and undermined over every little decision!

6-6.30am might be the middle of the night to an adult who isn't expecting to get up for hours yet but it's most definitely morning to a small child.

I say nothing about your H. Others have done so.

Ah yes.. because kids don't get up at a certain time every day. Going to work is not harder than looking after kids, it's actually shown to be one of the most stressful jobs out there. He had a proper sleep. The morning before. It was OPs turn. But he couldn't be arsed to get his child a drink of milk in the morning.

And yeah they've made up. But OP still hasn't had her lay in has she and she still has to save up to be able to afford to take the time to raise his kids and keep paying half the bills. So she provides half the money, more than half of the childcare, gets less than half of the lay ins and gets less than half of the free time. All for the pleasure of getting told to fuck off in the morning.

A couple of hours?

You have a prince of a man there. Is his name Andrew?

OK you are BF the baby, but he could take both for a long walk for two hours so you can have a bit of you time, then take the older child off out for the day so you can chill with the baby.

What's the point of this?

They've made it up. Storm in a teacup.

Why are others still hell bent on creating drama?

The OP and her dh are probably enjoying time together now. Doesn't look as if she'll be back.

I'm only still here to defend myself against what I can consider myself to be weirdos who dredge up my past posts and seem to have some kind of weird fixation on me.