Sorry this is going to be long and probably all over the place because I'm shattered and my head is all over the place.
DS is 12 on Monday. He has ADHD and an EHCP. CAMHS have said for a while now they think he has ODD as well but they keep saying "oppositional traits" rather than actually diagnosing it. They say a diagnosis wouldn't change anything so there's no point chasing one. Maybe they're right but it feels like every professional just passes us onto someone else.
I honestly feel like I've messed him up somewhere along the line. People always say don't blame yourself but when it's your child how can you not? I carried him, I've brought him up on my own and now he's nearly 12 and completely out of control. I can't help thinking I must have got something badly wrong.
He's been like this for as long as I can remember.
As a baby he barely slept. He'd wake every couple of hours and just never seemed settled. By about 18 months he was climbing out of his cot every single night. I’d put him back in, five minutes later he'd be back out. I ended up taking the side off because I was terrified he'd crack his head open falling over it.
He climbed everything. Kitchen sides, tables, the back of the sofa, windowsills, bookshelves. He had absolutely no fear.
He'd run away from me constantly. I dreaded going anywhere because he'd just disappear. I remember crying in Tesco once because he'd vanished and I found him climbing into one of the fridges laughing his head off while I was in a complete panic.
His tantrums weren't like other toddlers either. They'd last forever. He'd throw things, bite me, kick me, scratch me, headbutt walls, scream until he made himself sick. Once he'd started there was absolutely no getting through to him.
People said boys are just boisterous. Then they said he'd grow out of it. Then they said school would give him routine. School just made everything worse.
Every year started with everyone saying "fresh start." Every year ended with meetings.
He's actually bright enough when he wants to be. Teachers have always said that. One said once "he's capable but only on his terms."
His dad was never involved. He left before DS was born and there was never any contact really. He died 3 years ago when DS was 9. Everyone expected that to explain everything but DS had already been like this for years. I don't think you can miss someone you've never really known. Maybe it affected him underneath but there wasn't suddenly a massive change because he'd always struggled.
Primary school was awful. He had five fixed term exclusions before they finally permanently excluded him.
One for punching another child because he thought they'd laughed at him.
One for throwing things round the classroom.
One for telling a teacher to fuck off and walking out.
One because he refused to leave a classroom so they ended up taking every other child out instead.
The final one was throwing a chair across the classroom and calling a member of staff "a fucking wanker."
He went to a PRU but Everyone agreed he should have another chance in mainstream for Year 7.
He's only been there since Tuesday.
Tuesday he refused to line up because he said lining up was for babies. Then decided he wasn't going into one lesson because he didn't like the teacher. He'd known him about five minutes.
Wednesday he argued about taking his hood down, refused to put his phone away, wandered off twice and swore when staff challenged him.
Thursday there were problems because children from primary are there. He says they're winding him up. Some probably are because they know exactly how to get a reaction out of him but I also know he sees things that aren't there. If people laugh he assumes it's about him. If someone glances at him he thinks they're staring.
Today he refused registration walked out of maths after ten minutes, refused most other lessons and sat on the corridor floor saying he wasn't moving and spent most of the day wandering round with staff instead of actually being in lessons.
He was supposed to have a 1:1 from the start but because of some miscommunication today was actually the first day he'd had that support. The member of staff seems lovely but DS just wasn't interested today. I'm hoping that'll come with time.
His Head of Year said when I collected him that most Year 7s are terrified of getting into trouble and spend weeks trying to stay under the radar.
She said DS has absolutely no fear of consequences. I already knew that really. He doesn't care about detentions. He doesn't care about losing things.
He doesn't seem to think beyond the next five seconds.
He's also hit puberty really early compared to a lot of his friends. He's got a really deep voice now, nearly as tall as me, eating constantly, getting spots, all the usual teenage stuff. I honestly think the hormones have made everything ten times worse.
Professionals don't seem much help if I'm honest. CAMHS appointments are every few months and mostly consist of asking how things are then saying keep doing what you're doing. CAMHS say avoid power struggles. The ADHD nurse says pick your battles. The parenting course said stay calm.
The educational psychologist wrote a report full of long words but nothing that actually helps when your child is screaming in your face because you've asked him to brush his teeth.
He's got an EHCP but having one doesn't magically make things better. It's just another folder full of paperwork.
Tonight has been another disaster. His older brother told him earlier in the week that if he'd been good he'd take him to the football tomorrow. It's pay on the gate. Well he hasn't been good. He's spent all evening begging me to tell his brother he's behaved.
“Please mum just tell him." "He won't know."
“I've tried."
I said no because if I lie then what's the point. Then he wanted Pepsi at nearly ten o'clock. I said no.
He called me a bitch, told me I ruin everything, slammed his bedroom door, came back out to swear some more then stomped back upstairs.
I know people will probably judge me. He has an Xbox. He has a phone because he walks to school. He drinks fizzy drinks.
I swear sometimes so obviously he's heard bad language growing up.
His bedtime routine isn't perfect because some nights by the time we've argued over everything else I honestly haven't got the energy left to argue for another hour over getting into bed.
Sometimes I give in over stupid little things because I'm exhausted and I know that's probably wrong. Sometimes I shout because after asking someone the same thing twenty times anyone would end up shouting.
Then I feel guilty because all the parenting advice says don't shout. I honestly feel like I've failed him.
I look at other 12 year olds worrying about what trainers they want or who they're sitting next to in maths and mine is refusing to even go into lessons four days into secondary school.
The thought that keeps going round my head is if this is him at nearly 12 what is he going to be like at 15 or 16. I hate even typing it but sometimes I genuinely worry he'll end up in prison one day because he just doesn't seem able to stop himself once he's angry.
Am I making excuses for him because of the ADHD? Am I not strict enough? Too strict? Should I still let his brother take him to the football tomorrow because it's a fresh start, or do I stick to what was agreed?
Please be honest. I can take it. I just don't know what else to do anymore.