To be so upset by DH comments?

[Mamagonemad]

Looking for some perspective as I don’t know if I am being oversensitive and I should just forget it. Apologies in advance for such a long post.

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have 3 DC under 12. Most of the housework and childcare falls on me and I also work part-time, and have taken on a lot more work recently. I’ve been on medication for depression and anxiety for a few years now and struggle with the overwhelm of the kids.

DH is very active and spends a lot of time exercising. I do not and this has been a long running issue. I am always tired by the evening and do not have much ‘me time’.

Over the last year or so I have put on weight and am around a dress size more than is normal for me. I am conscious of this but it feels a lot at the moment to overcome.

A few weeks ago, after a week of pretty much silence from him, DH told me that he felt sad about our lack of affection, and felt I didn’t make an effort anymore, etc. I reassured him that I still found him attractive and explained that I am exhausted and overwhelmed by the time it comes to the evening but that I would try harder and be more conscious.

Over the next couple of weeks, I felt self-conscious and a bit anxious so a week ago in bed, I asked him if it was when I wore certain things or if he found me unattractive all of the time, referencing our previous conversation. He said ‘what I said was that I didn’t think being attractive mattered to you anymore’. I said it does matter to me, I’m conscious that I’m too fat and that I plan to be really strict with myself going forward. He didn’t say anything in reply and after a while fell asleep. I couldn’t sleep for hours after that and I’ve been feeling awful ever since. I don’t want him to see me getting undressed and I can’t bring myself to be affectionate with him, etc. I don’t know how to move on from this.

I don’t know if I am being oversensitive and unreasonable to feel so upset and to not be close to him.

Sorry for such a long post!

Perhaps he could have been more diplomatic but what did you expect asking these questions? I suspect this is more about your self confidence than your actual weight.

One dress size seems neither here nor there and I’m reading a lot of harsh talk in your post “strict on myself” “being attractive doesn’t matter to you any more”.

When does your DH expect you to find time to exercise and feel good about yourself?

One dress size is hardly noticeable? and you’ve had three kids. And as you say yourself you have no “me time”
be kind to yourself. Perhaps start carving out some me time.
if your husband gets child-free gym and exercise hours every week do you get the same ?! Easy for him to stay in shape if he’s always child-free at the gym and hasn’t used his body to grow three humans.

It sounds like your husband needs to take more off your plate. Maybe then you would have the headspace to be able to focus on that aspect of your relationship.

One dress size is 2 inches, it’s very odd this could be an issue op?

I’d make a plan. Ok, I’ve thought about it and to make a change you need to be here Monday and Thursday evenings, and Saturday morning. I’m going swimming, to yoga, and out walking with my friend to the coffee shop. (Make sure it’s things you like, punishment isn’t motivating)

I’d probably tell him to fuck off first though. He should make you feel loved and supported, not criticised and self conscious.

Attractive and slim are NOT the same things. My husband is attracted to my personality- the person I am- the things we talk about, my humour, my laugh, the way I am with children and animals, my caring and compassionate nature. Yes he likes my boobs and my bum but whether i am a healthy BMI (which is better for my health I accept) or carrying a few extra pounds or even a stone or two at times (after kids etc) he still fancies me and finds me attractive as I am me and my weight is not my worth.

So when your husband says he doesn’t think you care about being attractive any more that is harsh but perhaps he is actually picking up on you not giving self care to yourself any more. Nothing about sex or his attraction to you- but your care for yourself. You have had depression, you are an overwhelmed mum… you need and deserve some me time - NOT to exercise or go to the gym or diet or whatever but to do something that makes you FEEL good. About yourself. A bath and a book. A coffee alone with a book. A massage or manicure. Take some time to reconnect with who you are now and what you like. And speak to your husband to see how he can support you to have me time and get your mojo back. Forget your weight- it’s a red herring and something else to just punish yourself with or feel bad about. If you concentrate on doing something for yourself for a period each week and build on that o am betting you may find your “attractiveness” returns. I hope so anyway as I’m hoping your husband isn’t just a shallow twat.

These type of questions are no win.

Do you find me attractive?

You'll never get what you want from it, it was always bound to fail. So he turns round and says Yes im absolutely blown away by your beauty, then you ask another, so why? so why?

A confident person doesnt ask if she is beautiful, one happy in herself isnt asking do you still find me attractive? so you have to look inward, and that cant be solved by anyone's gaze or opinions. You have to make the decision to make changes if youre unhappy, but you do it for you, not so that he likes you.

Make the decision to make the changes, make the plan and if it means youre out of the house (at classes or gym), then make it work. But do it for you.

Your DH gets plenty of him time to keep fit. He doesn’t contribute much if anything, to running the home and caring for the DC. All of that falls on you. It’s not surprising you feel overwhelmed and unable to find your own me time to keep fit and do nice things for yourself.

In short he’s a cheeky fucker who is swanning along having an easy life. How dare he criticise you?

Tell him he needs to take on household tasks and childcare, so you can spend an equal amount of time on yourselves.

If youve been on tablets for 3 years do you think they are working? I e a friend who has been on tgem for 30 years, killed her libido and she's knackered all the time. They dont seem to stop the anxiety though. Big pharma is the only body that seems to be doing well from them.

I work full time, as does my husband and I have three children aged 7, 5 and 3. The majority of housework and childcare still falls to me. I used to love going to the gym prior to having children.

i’m now a size 12 whereas previously I was a 6-8. I really dislike how I look when I used to keep in shape. I’ve realised nothing is going to change unless I prioritise myself. I get up and go to the gym at 6:30am. I’m much better in the morning and I can work out before work and still do the school runs, go to work and collect the children from school and carry on working in the evening once they are in bed.

i have also prioritised my beauty regime. Your husband is saying to you that you’ve let yourself go and you don’t prioritise yourself anymore so in effect why should he? You lead by the example you set as to how you want to be treated. It’s harsh but true. I no longer put myself last. I let my husband look after the children in the morning and I just walk out of the door. He’s more than capable even if he doesn’t want to admit it. Your children are older than mine and honestly I would do the same. This isn’t the version of you that you want. Nothing is going to change unless you make the effort.

I’m doing this for me. If my husband finds me more attractive, great but honestly I don’t care as I’m putting myself first for me. Only you can change how you feel about yourself. Also I use Chat GBT to motivate me and to let me know it’s okay to put myself first for once. It’s honestly better for my family if I do!

If you want to DM me to chat more then please do. For me what changed was I wanted more from myself and hated my self loathing. I’m only 2 weeks into my habit changing start and I already feel so much better!

I think he was just concerned that you had lost yourself over the years and hadn’t noticed it creep up on you so slowly. I don’t think he meant it badly

Oh OP, you sound really sad and my heart goes out to you.

You've apologised twice in your post and there's no need, I seen why what he said made you feel bad. You need a bit of a confidence boost, start to carve out some time for yourself and do something you enjoy.

The thing is he didn’t reference your weight, what it does look like is maybe you don’t make an effort with your appearance any more. Hair, makeup, clothed style etc, which is understandable

so can yoh ask him to do more with the kids, have you seen your gp for a medication review?

Morning sex?

I also doubt that this was about your weight. More likely you are feeling bad about yourself - tired, stressed, guilty about minor weight gain, etc - and therefore maybe you aren’t maybe dressing a nicely, taking as much care with hair, etc, as you would do if you felt happy and confident? Above all when we feel we look bad we don’t meet the world with a happy smile and confident stride, which actually is a big part of what makes us look good. That’s all pretty normal. But you really should talk to him about how you make time for you to exercise- never mind your weight, it’s the best possible thing for mental health. He should be doing whatever is needed so you can go for a walk or swim or to a yoga class or whatever on the weekend and occasionally before or after work.

He needs to make an effort to take the load off you so you can feel rested enough to take care of yourself. He’s taking time, how much do you get?

Quite possibly he's being mean and rude. Possibly he''s saying he is noticing that you aren't as confident and well as you used to be, understandably with the pressure you are under. Try to find out what he means, but look after yourself as a priority. If you're not happy with your appearance there may be simple things to do to help, including having more fun and relaxation.

If I were a woman who worked part time, did most of the housework and childcare and was stuck at home while my dh pursued
a significant exercise load, I would find him very very unattractive. The marriage would be terminal. Op, claim some time, tell him he’s selfish and not doing enough at home to support you having time off like he does.

Has he said you’re unattractive? I think he’s just talking about wanting more physical connection and you not having time to look after yourself (clothes, haircuts, material things). To resolve this he needs to step up and take more responsibility within the household, so that you have some ‘me time’. You also could buy a few nice casual outfits and get your hair done to make you feel better about yourself.

What do you need to do to feel better about yourself? Prioritize exercise for sure, which is a great all rounder for general mood, physical well being, weight, mindset and role modeling to your kids.

I'm not sure why you are blaming yourself so much OP. He needs to do more at home so you have time to take care of yourself. Ask more of him. Inform him you are going to an exercise class / out for a jog or whatever and he needs to sort out the kids and housework.

I'm not sure I could love a man who was so oblivious to my struggles in all honesty.

He needs to pull his weight with the house and kids, that's the only way for you to be less knackered in the evenings and have more time and energy.

He said recently that if I lost about 2 stone I could fit into something I was putting on. So wanted to know if it was in general or certain things he disliked.

Thank you. He will say I can go out in the evenings but by that time I’m knackered. And there are many days where he is out with the oldest in the evenings. I don’t know if I’m overthinking it and projecting onto him. I had hoped he’d say something comforting even if it went alongside a kind you need to lose weight or other suggestion of what he would like to change.

Ok so tell us the context of that comment. Out the blue? In response to something you said?

you’re clearly unhappy with how you look and I get that.