To be so upset by DH comments?

[Mamagonemad]

Looking for some perspective as I don’t know if I am being oversensitive and I should just forget it. Apologies in advance for such a long post.

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have 3 DC under 12. Most of the housework and childcare falls on me and I also work part-time, and have taken on a lot more work recently. I’ve been on medication for depression and anxiety for a few years now and struggle with the overwhelm of the kids.

DH is very active and spends a lot of time exercising. I do not and this has been a long running issue. I am always tired by the evening and do not have much ‘me time’.

Over the last year or so I have put on weight and am around a dress size more than is normal for me. I am conscious of this but it feels a lot at the moment to overcome.

A few weeks ago, after a week of pretty much silence from him, DH told me that he felt sad about our lack of affection, and felt I didn’t make an effort anymore, etc. I reassured him that I still found him attractive and explained that I am exhausted and overwhelmed by the time it comes to the evening but that I would try harder and be more conscious.

Over the next couple of weeks, I felt self-conscious and a bit anxious so a week ago in bed, I asked him if it was when I wore certain things or if he found me unattractive all of the time, referencing our previous conversation. He said ‘what I said was that I didn’t think being attractive mattered to you anymore’. I said it does matter to me, I’m conscious that I’m too fat and that I plan to be really strict with myself going forward. He didn’t say anything in reply and after a while fell asleep. I couldn’t sleep for hours after that and I’ve been feeling awful ever since. I don’t want him to see me getting undressed and I can’t bring myself to be affectionate with him, etc. I don’t know how to move on from this.

I don’t know if I am being oversensitive and unreasonable to feel so upset and to not be close to him.

Sorry for such a long post!

It sounds like he’s run you into the ground like a slave whilst he’s enjoyed exercising time for himself. What a cunt.

Why are you doing most of the childcare/housework while he has plenty of time to exercise? What days do you work and do you have any child free non-working days? If so maybe you could exercise in the morning and if necessary he can do some of the chores (instead of exercising/ when he finishes work if need be). A couple of exercise sessions a week plus a focus on nutrition and you will lose the dress size very quickly. But it doesn't sound like that is actually the main issue.

This.

And on top of that, he's making you feel insecure, not reassuring and uplifting you, and implying that you need to lose weight/are less attractive. It's shitty.

I am not thinking about your weight.

You do sound fed up and run into the ground, and that's hardly surprising.

If YOU had time / energy / motivation to exercise you would probably start to feel better about yourself and more energised because exercise generates energy and endorphins and just makes you feel better.

Would it help to sit down with your DH and go through your days, weekends included, and track how much 'off' time you each get, and carve out ore space for you?

Tell him that you are looking for times to exercise, not in ADDITION to your overwhelmed schedule and list of jobs and responsibilities but INSTEAD of some. (because all the juggling and headspace of work plus kids is exhausting, too)

And explain that for motivation you need his admiration, encouragement and support - not the negging he has so far managed.

And that you expect to see an exponential rise on your energy and self confidence as a result.

I was going to say it’s important to still have a sex life and invest in it, but it’s hard to feel sexy when he does nothing to help and you feel exhausted and taken for granted. So a discussion around that would be beneficial. However those comments about your weight are totally unacceptable. I’m not sure I could get past that.

This is what I'm reading too. What a fucking twat. He wants you to pop out three kids, do all the childcare, all the house work, have a job and then still be a size zero after all that. What an absolute fucking gobshite. If any man said anything like that to me about losing weight he would be out on his fucking ear. Get him told. He needs to do his share of everything and give you some time to yourself. You're a person too. What do you need right now? Have a good think about what is missing and do it. Don't ask for permission get him told. This is how it is going to be from now on..........

What a cheeky bastard your husband is. Swanning off to the gym while you're run ragged with the house and kids then moaning that you dont take care of yourself. Just cant get over the selfishness and bare faced cheek of him. Id tell him you think hes right and youd like to have more time for self care and he'll need to step up with housework and the kids. Divide your time equally so you can do this.

Totally agree with this - the thoughtlessness and selfishness of the twat!

You need to address the core issues in your marriage. Your husband is not pulling his weight, and as a consequence you've put on weight and have no time to look after yourself like he is

You need to stop tolerating that he leaves everything to you at home AND has no qualms about you also killing yourself at work while he can go spend all this time to himself and prioritise his health. I bet he also expects you to contribute financially on top.

I don't understand how women end up with men like this, how they manage to keep their mouth shut about the disparities in responsibilities - and how they manage to not kill these men in their sleep.

Yep you have a husband problem not a weight problem.

He sounds like a selfish prick.

You are run ragged.
He doesn't share the load does he?
You are working, children and the house.
No wonder you are overwhelmed.
He sounds like a lazy selfish arse.

What does he do to share the family load?
You need to find your anger.

This is SUCH a great post.

From what you've written, it genuinely sounds to me like you dh hasn't been unkind but is genuinely worried about you and the relationship between you.

So many issues in relationships are caused, or at least exacerbated by couples not communicating. He has started the conversation, so why not lean into that and agree that you too are sad your relationship seems to have stagnated a bit, and perhaps make time for a conversation about what you'd like to change.

He will say I can go out in the evenings but by that time I’m knackered

Many of us have been there. I've had 3dc, and been out at work as well. I didn't come in from work, or picking up the dc thinking "I'm full of energy and would love to go out tonight" BUT I've always though it important to have some time when I'm not just 'Mum' or my work personna, so I made myself have one evening a week where I've done something for me. It is really invigorating. Doesn't have to be exercise (though that is great if you find something you like.... dancing maybe or something that doesn't feel like PE?.... it can be singing, or just a group where you chat about all and sundry. Doesn't matter, but it lifts the spirits and re-energises you.

Jesus Christ @Mamagonemad take your power back. Do not look to him for approval.
If you want to exercise then you need to cut into his free time. He has too much if he is able to exercise all the time.
Don't cower and grovel that you will be strict with yourself. You'll just continue to get disrespect and contempt from him.
Why you are on anti-depressants is obviously linked to you lack of support, care and love.
I bet your kids sense it, too.
Sending you support to be brave and stick up for yourself. 🩷

I was really really clear with my dh that my being too tired to go out means I need time off at home and if instead he thinks that means he’s free to go out, meaning I get more tired as all the parenting and housework is on me, then he’s a terrible husband and not a nice person. He did behave like that when I was on mat leave and it’s been really hard to move past.

Honestly it can be sitting in the car in a quiet lane scrolling on your phone!!

I said something similar but your response is so much more succinct.

No wonder you are tired
You've been the skivvy for 20 years

If you had all the free time to faff about that he has, you probably be feeling pretty good

Perhaps he should do more around the house and you could spend some time relaxing or exercising. Perhaps meet with friends for a walk !