DD going Vegan

[dilema12]

DD has always been a fussy eater and for some time now she's been picking at her food at meal times leaving most of it. When I tried to approach her about it I never got an answer but last night she came to me to tell me she's vegetarian and in the process of switching to vegan. I would be lying if I said I'm not concerned, mainly around deficiencies of vitamins etc as she won't take multivitamins.

I feel I would be cruel not to support her decision and reasoning behind it, DD is 14 so understands what being vegetarian or vegan means and she has a right to decide for her self so I support her and will get her meat alternatives now I know but DP on the other hand has said "oh no we ain't doing that this house ain't a f*ING cafe" I now feel I'm stuck between my DD and my DP and he does do most of the cooking but doesn't make it right for him to dictate at meal times.

I think in making this post I wanted to know what would you do in this situation, AIBU to go against DP and buy the meat alternatives anyway?

I mean, buying meat alternatives (does she even like them?) is really no big deal, but that’s not the hard part about being vegan. It’s the meal planning and cooking. Cooking something dairy and egg free is a much bigger pain in the arse than making the recipe you’ve always made. Not everyone wants to eat dairy free cheese (tastes like shit). And it all takes a lot more thought.

I’d absolutely buy her some meat alternatives and I’d make a vegan meal or two a week for the family, but then I’d put it back on her to meal plan for herself, cook a meal for the family and cook her daily vegan meals herself. If she’s willing to do all that, great.

Fwiw, I was vegetarian from about 11. I cooked most of my meals and I did a lot of planning and did the weekly shop with my mum. It wasn’t anyone else’s job to make sure I had food I could eat.

Is she going to be cooking for herself? Can you or dp help her by helping in the kitchen?

Is DP her dad?

My now adult DS is vegan, has been for many years. He started talking about it at 15 (now 30), his reasons etc. It will mean a complete change of diet, so the person cooking has to be on board. However, can your DD cook her own food? Meal prepping works well, either 2-3 days in the fridge, or cook and freeze so she effectively has ready meals. While your DP is entitled to his opinion and to decide what he is and isn't prepared to do, you can't tell someone else what to eat.
Swapping to meat free alternatives is fine (and expensive), but she also needs to include other things in her diet - lentils, chickpeas, beans etc. She'll find the food relatively bland unless she learns to use spices. With a properly planned diet she shouldn't need supplements, but initially I'd recommend B complex.

Have a look on the Bosh website, they also have some great cookbooks. They use easy to find and use ingredients.
In my experience, there should be a fair bit of planning rather than just saying this is what I want, make it happen.
I think involving her in the practicalities of moving to a vegan diet will also help her decide if this is something she can commit to.

I think if she’s serious about it, she’ll have to shop and cook for herself, unless either the whole family is going to go vegan or whoever usually cooks is willing to to take this on (it’s a massive job so I wouldn’t be willing to, as the main family shopper and chef, as I just wouldn’t have the time or energy to take this on).

Could a budget be agreed on for her to get a weekly shop and maybe an agreed time and day for one of you to take her the supermarket in the car, if you drive?

No the food she needs would be bought just like the rest of the household gets theirs bought for them..we are due to do a food shop anyway

This is one of those threads that makes me realise I'm too old and from too working class a background for a lot of what gets discussed on Mumsnet! I keep imagining what my late mother would've said if I'd declared myself vegetarian - let alone vegan when I was 14 (in1972...).

But the responsibility would have been entirely mine.

DD can cook but DP likes to take control of the kitchen at meal times, we do use lentils and various beans already but not chickpeas and we have various spices although generally mild ones but can get others and chickpeas. I think it will be all trial and error to see if she likes Quorn or other brands but I believe some of them aren't vegan friendly

She is able to cook yes, but DP doesn't want anyone cooking except him, DP is not DD's dad

Quorn isn't usually vegan (some of it is). Lidl do a great vegan range, well priced.

You need to stamp on that

he’s not dad but he thinks he can dictate ?

I wouldn't make the family eat meat free but I'm happy to make DD meals to suit her wishes

We’re a family of 5 and only the youngest (age 10) is vegan. If our normal meal is something like sausage, veg and mash, it’s no effort to stick a couple of vegan sausages under the grill with the meat ones, or vegan burgers with the meat ones. Or put a Linda McCartney pie in the oven with the meat pies. It’s more complicated if we’re doing something like a chicken casserole as she needs a whole other meal. But then there’s vegan ready meals for those situations. We do eat a lot of vegan meals as a family, e.g. Linda McCartney mince in cottage pie or chilli. You can’t really taste the difference, especially with vegan beef Oxo cubes. And there’s more “proper” vegan stuff like chickpea curry, or veg and bean casserole. It doesn’t all have to be fake meat.

Yeah I plan on doing so

Your daughter absolutely should get to make her own food choices. She may have to step up and do some of the planning and preparation. The reality is that this switch won’t be simple. Your husband is allowed to set limits to how much extra work he is willing to do.

Ah ok thanks for that, it's all new to me so just learning lol but yeah I guess it's not hard to switch for alternatives for most meals

Yep, just knew this guy wouldn't be the biological father. It's a story as old as time.

I don't think your partner should be expected to cook around her wishes, but he also can't tell your daughter what she can and can't eat, especially as he's not her father. He'll have to relinquish some control of the kitchen and either your daughter or you will have to plan and prepare meals she is willing to eat. If he won't accept that, you have bigger issues with him (and it's probably time to call it quits).

Please do carefully look at the content of any "vegan alternatives" - meat, dairy or whatever - an awful lot of the processed, packaged stuff you're going to see sits squarely in the UPF category and is anything but healthy.

A kitchen rota or something is going to need to happen. He has to let you or her cook.

And you’re with him why, exactly?

He sounds like a right wanker.

I would be concerned that DD was going vegan to carry on having an eating disorder. I say this because you mention her being a fussy eater, and my daughter's school (DD is now 28!) told us that going veggie/vegan is a way for girls to avoid eating without undue comment. I hope this is not true for your DD.

I would otherwise try to accommodate her preferences, whilst making it clear that she would have to be the major decision maker in planning her meals. If she wants to cook for herself, I would let her. I don't think that is DP's decision.

Yeah this was my first thought too. May be completely wrong but going from eating very little -> vegan (or other restricted but accepted) diet is a pipeline to eating disorder I've seen quite a few times.

Nutrient wise, if she won't take a supplement the most important thing is to buy something with added B12. Google will give options so she can see but lots of plant milks have this. If you have a freezer the two of you could have a nice batch cooking day or evening and put in single serve portions?

I understand that but DD's response is but no animal is harmed in the process

Your DD learns to cook, and she takes responsibility for her diet. My DD went vegetarian about the same age - though in practice she was mostly vegan as she didn’t like eggs or cheese. She came shopping with me and chose what she wanted. She meal prepped lunches and learned how to use legumes. I often just ran a separate pot for her at mealtimes and made the same as us - so prepping same veg and starch - and then one pot would have say, chicken curry, and the other one would have chickpea curry. A lot of vegans don’t like meat substitutes, and they’re almost always UPF, so focusing on pulses and grains, might be a way forward. The main thing though is that she needs to be proactive.