AIBU? Missed the immediate aftermath of FIL’s death for a work event and now whole family is freezing me out

[jooooosh]

Need some perspective here because I am currently sleeping in the spare room and nobody in my family will talk to me.

I'm 44M and my wife is 44F. We've been together since we were teenagers, married for many years, and have three kids. We're very close to each other's families. My in laws have basically known me since I was a kid, so they’ve always treated me like family.

About three weeks ago, I had to travel from Madrid to Los Angeles for a very important work project. There was a huge amount of money involved and some very wealthy clients, so I had several meetings and events that had been planned well in advance. Honestly, their lifestyle isn't really my thing, but professionally I had to be involved.

When I left Madrid, my wife and kids were on holiday in Mallorca. Everything was completely fine between us.

About a week into my trip, my father in law suddenly became seriously ill and was admitted to the ICU. My wife called me repeatedly that night, along with my kids. I normally keep my phone on silent when I’m sleeping, so I didn't see the calls immediately.

When I called my wife back at morning, she was crying and told me what had happened. She asked me to come home

I immediately started looking for flights. The problem was that I had several important commitments over the next 3–4 days, including a major event hosted by one of our clients and a call with people from another company that I genuinely needed to attend. I told my wife I would come back as soon as I could.

Unfortunately, my father in law died that afternoon.

I started looking for flights again, but there weren't any suitable flights available for the next couple of days. I eventually booked the earliest flight I could get.

And this is where I completely screwed up.
That night, I still went to the client's party.
It was a big LA type event, I stayed late, and honestly, looking back, I understand how terrible that looks. My wife found out where I had been through a friend.

The next morning she was furious. She told me that while her father had just died, I was out partying in Los Angeles.

I tried explaining that the event had already been planned, that I was trying to get home, and that I had already booked my flight. But I realize now that none of that probably mattered to her in that moment.

I ended up changing my plans again, flew LA to London to Madrid, and arrived the following day.

By the time I got there, my wife, kids, mother in law and the rest of the family were already in another city preparing for the funeral.
When I arrived, nobody really spoke to me.
My wife wouldn't look at me. My mother in law was extremely cold toward me. Her brother and sister also barely acknowledged me.

Funeral happened, and I felt completely sidelined. It has now been six days. My wife has barely spoken to me. one time she did, she was extremely angry. I'm currently sleeping in another room.

I know I made a terrible decision by going to that party. I should probably have stayed in my hotel, even if I couldn't get an earlier flight. I can understand why seeing pictures or hearing that I was at a party while her father had just died would feel absolutely awful.

But at the same time, I genuinely was trying to get home. I wasn't choosing a party over my father in law's funeral. I was dealing with a work commitment, couldn't immediately get a flight, and had already booked the earliest one I could find.

My in laws and I have always been extremely close. I've known them for decades, and I've never treated them like they're just my wife's family. I loved my father in law too.

So I'm struggling with this.

Did I really deserve to be completely shut out and treated like I don't exist for six days?

I wouldn't forgive you

Me especially if I’m away from my children. I don’t care if it’s 2am or 5am if my child rings I’m answering so it will never be on silent for them.

When my dad died my partner at the time was partying. That was a huge part of why he is my ex. Yea it wasn't his parent, yes I had family (who were busy grieving themselves) and yes he wouldn't have changed the outcome. But I needed him to be there for me and to prioritise me.

Work is difficult, and if you had been in a meeting that possibly would have been more acceptable. But to be at a party, even if it was a work event looks awful and something I'd really struggle to move past.

I always have my phone on loud when I'm away, especially if I'm.in a different time zone

You have my sympathy. Work events (& I have been to enough of them) are not "partying", they are a right pain.

YANBU but good luck in getting the family to see it.

It’s hard to judge. Were you working the party or were you drinking dancing and having fun?

Because if you’re there to work, that’s your workplace. If you’re coordinating a big reveal or making ice sculptures or serving food, that’s work. If you’re networking and drinking soda water, that’s work. If you’re eating lobster and doing coke off the perfect elbow of a super model that is not work.

i think your wife is being unreasonable but she’s overwhelmed by grief. I suggest relationship counselling and meanwhile try to do something nice for her and take a horrible job off her task list.

No one is irreplaceable at work. You talk about it as though you were, but the reality is, if you had been incapacitated (or god forbid, died yourself) your company would carry on. The idea that you're irreplaceable is a combination of not wanting to be seen as difficult, and either your bosses pressure or your own ego that you as a person need to be there.
You chose to put work first. The fact that you couldn't do anything in a practical sense is irrelevant, emotionally you could have supported and you chose to act as though the fact that you were at a physical distance gave you a free pass to carry on as normal.

It’s LAX. There’s absolutely no way there wasn’t a flight that day to start making your way home.

I used to travel a lot with work and it’s hard once you’re there but if I’d told a single client I’ve ever worked with this situation, they’d be sending me on my way.

Your wife was dealing with the sudden death of your father and you really half-arsed your response. You’re also now being quite defensive. The partying I would struggle to forgive on the night he died. Dreadful.

I voted yabu- not specifically for going to the party - you were still there so you may as well have gone - but for prioritising work over rushing back on the first flight you could:

I immediately started looking for flights. The problem was that I had several important commitments over the next 3-4 days, including a major event hosted by one of our clients and a call with people from another company that I genuinely needed to attend. I told my wife I would come back as soon as I could.

In that moment you chose to priorise your work over your family.

Your FIL died that afternoon. Your wife needed you. And you chose to stay for work.

You then say there were no 'suitable' flights. Not that there were none. So you wouldn't put yourself out in order to get on the first flight you could, even though it may not have been the most convenient?

So as you were still there you decided to go to the party. This is the only reasonable part imo. You weren't on your way home, you were still there, what was the point in being there but not attending the party?

But from where I'm standing, and I imagine this is how your wife feels too, you didn't rush back immediately when she first called you, FIL died so what was the rush then? You may as well stay and party. This may not have been what you intended, but it is one interpretation of your actions (or lack thereof).

Honestly, Im not sure I'd be able to get past this either.

Did you not even think that the reason she was asking you to come home was because she knew, either explicitly or intuitively, that her father was dying? So him dying “unfortunately” wasn’t actually out of the realms of possibility. An older man admitted to ICU should have maybe been a clue for you as to how serious the situation was. But you had work commitments which were more important 🤷‍♀️

FWIW I was the primary earner (actually the only one at that stage) and extremely senior in my organisation at the point at which my former FIL died. We were living overseas in Asia at the time. It wasn’t an unexpected death but the timing was very unexpected (he had a brain tumour, which triggered a stroke). Not only did my company completely understand when I had to pull out of a very big meeting and several pitches, they went overboard making sure that they got me, DH and DC back to his family as quickly as possible. The two possible conclusions that anyone could possibly make about you not being able to find a “suitable flight” or leave work for a family death are that either your work think you’re not very good and you’re worried they’re looking to get rid, or that you just care more about work than someone you’ve had a close familial relationship with for your entire adult life.

Are your wife’s family Spanish Catholics? If they are, that’s even more reason that they can’t forgive you. You must surely understand why given how long they have been in your life.

Overall though, I’d say the problem isn’t about what you did or didn’t do. It’s about the why. You seem to be absolutely self focused and totally lacking in any empathy at all. Even your posts on this thread are all me me me and very much not about what your wife and her family are feeling. What are you doing to support them?

You said - I started looking for flights again, but there weren't any suitable flights available for the next couple of days.

Why were they unsuitable?

If this were your father what would you have done?

Most companies I have worked at would understand if you had to immediately return home. Maybe it’s that deep down you simply did not want to?

I wondered this too.

Really! A close family member has just unexpectedly died. You're abroad, no friends or family to lean into. So, hey, there's a party on, might as well go, nothing better to do than live it up with strangers. Unbelievable!

I think your wife and her family are either being a bit precious or wrapped up in their grief and scapegoating you.

These business trips with client events take on a life of their own sometimes. You’re in a weird bubble with colleagues and clients and the real world seems far away.

I don’t think you did anything heinous. I would write an apology message and then tell your wife you’re drawing a line under it.

Is your wife SAHM or does she work too?

Well I meam it's not great is it? My point was the worst crime imo wasn't attending the party, it was not bothering his ass to get back when his wife needed him.

If hed literally got the first flight he could after her call, he'd have been in the air when FIL died but his wife would know that he was on his way to be there for her.

Instead he said he'd get back when he could be arsed and decided to attend the party because he might as well. Just saying that for me, the party compounded it but it was the not getting back for his wife asap that was the worst of it.