AIBU? Missed the immediate aftermath of FIL’s death for a work event and now whole family is freezing me out

[jooooosh]

Need some perspective here because I am currently sleeping in the spare room and nobody in my family will talk to me.

I'm 44M and my wife is 44F. We've been together since we were teenagers, married for many years, and have three kids. We're very close to each other's families. My in laws have basically known me since I was a kid, so they’ve always treated me like family.

About three weeks ago, I had to travel from Madrid to Los Angeles for a very important work project. There was a huge amount of money involved and some very wealthy clients, so I had several meetings and events that had been planned well in advance. Honestly, their lifestyle isn't really my thing, but professionally I had to be involved.

When I left Madrid, my wife and kids were on holiday in Mallorca. Everything was completely fine between us.

About a week into my trip, my father in law suddenly became seriously ill and was admitted to the ICU. My wife called me repeatedly that night, along with my kids. I normally keep my phone on silent when I’m sleeping, so I didn't see the calls immediately.

When I called my wife back at morning, she was crying and told me what had happened. She asked me to come home

I immediately started looking for flights. The problem was that I had several important commitments over the next 3–4 days, including a major event hosted by one of our clients and a call with people from another company that I genuinely needed to attend. I told my wife I would come back as soon as I could.

Unfortunately, my father in law died that afternoon.

I started looking for flights again, but there weren't any suitable flights available for the next couple of days. I eventually booked the earliest flight I could get.

And this is where I completely screwed up.
That night, I still went to the client's party.
It was a big LA type event, I stayed late, and honestly, looking back, I understand how terrible that looks. My wife found out where I had been through a friend.

The next morning she was furious. She told me that while her father had just died, I was out partying in Los Angeles.

I tried explaining that the event had already been planned, that I was trying to get home, and that I had already booked my flight. But I realize now that none of that probably mattered to her in that moment.

I ended up changing my plans again, flew LA to London to Madrid, and arrived the following day.

By the time I got there, my wife, kids, mother in law and the rest of the family were already in another city preparing for the funeral.
When I arrived, nobody really spoke to me.
My wife wouldn't look at me. My mother in law was extremely cold toward me. Her brother and sister also barely acknowledged me.

Funeral happened, and I felt completely sidelined. It has now been six days. My wife has barely spoken to me. one time she did, she was extremely angry. I'm currently sleeping in another room.

I know I made a terrible decision by going to that party. I should probably have stayed in my hotel, even if I couldn't get an earlier flight. I can understand why seeing pictures or hearing that I was at a party while her father had just died would feel absolutely awful.

But at the same time, I genuinely was trying to get home. I wasn't choosing a party over my father in law's funeral. I was dealing with a work commitment, couldn't immediately get a flight, and had already booked the earliest one I could find.

My in laws and I have always been extremely close. I've known them for decades, and I've never treated them like they're just my wife's family. I loved my father in law too.

So I'm struggling with this.

Did I really deserve to be completely shut out and treated like I don't exist for six days?

The problem was that I had several important commitments over the next 3–4 days, including a major event hosted by one of our clients and a call with people from another company that I genuinely needed to attend. I told my wife I would come back as soon as I could.

Your wife’s father, who you had known for decades, died. This was more important

You went out partying the night you learned your FIL had died?

Is this a reverse?

You’re saying there were no flights you could have got for days? Or that you didn’t bother because of work meetings?

You couldn’t have left the day after she rang you had to say on for days and days?

If your child had been in the hospital would it have taken days? If it was your wife? Your parents?

You weren’t genuinely trying to get home, you had prioritised work and intended to keep commitments over the next few days. This choice to prioritise work was confirmed even further when you managed to change your plans and get home sooner the next day. You chose to put work over family and it’s caused a huge amount of upset. So yeah, you deserve to be ‘shut out’, if I were here I’d be reconsidering things with you too.

Are you the one who’s wife had reduced her working hours but not told you?

Travelling home from a huge work event and paying for a very expensive flight because my in law died wouldn’t even be something my work would sanction.

I wouldn’t rearrange my work travel plans if my partner’s parent died nor would I turn down a party to sit in enforced misery in a hotel. YANBU.

edited to add I wouldn’t expect my partner to rearrange his plans either if the roles were reversed.

You did absolutely the right thing. Including going to the party. You could do nothing to help anyone from another continent and came home as soon as could.

Life doesn't stop - people still have to make a living.

Your wife is grieving, but this isn't your fault.

You put work above your family and their needs and for me that would be the end of our relationship . There would have been flights and connecting flights you choose not to take them and went out partying . I’m genuinely not sure how you can repair the relationships because if it was my family we’d never ever forgive you

They're grieving. One part of grief is anger. That's being directed at you.

I'm not saying it's fair. There's lots that isn't fair; the main thing that isn't fair is that he died unexpectedly. It's not a great look that you went to that party but I understand why you did.

But you need to see the anger directed at you as part of the grieving process, and respond not by justifying yourself, but with love. Again and again and again.

They will heal and this will pass.

And yes you're grieving too and this is disproportionate and unfair. Again, it's all unfair. Maybe you need to vent about it. Venting to us was the right call.

Meanwhile, take on your unfortunate role as emotional punchbag. And keep responding with love.

Your wife had her entire family with her. You were on an important work trip and should have seen it through then got back to her asap

Your FIL was already dead, there was nothing that you could usefully do, your wife has support among her family.

Yes it would be nice to have come back straightaway, but the reality is compassionate leave is limited and once that runs out you're expected back at work.

I think your wife is grieving and a tiny bit unreasonable. You are also a tiny bit unreasonable for not realising how the client event would look. I hope you can work it out.

Really?

Life goes on. FIL had already died. It wasn't a case of getting back to see him one last time he was already gone.

I say this when I lost my mother a little over a year ago.

I am genuinely surprised when people say that even important work commitments should be dropped to support a spouse or partner. To have the luxury to abandon work means so many of you must be very privileged indeed, or ridiculously lenient employers.

I got 3 days off after my mother died, including her funeral. For a parent in law, I would have got nothing.

Not sure what world you all live in to be able to just drop long standing and crucial work commitments.

But if you'd divorce, split households, uproot your children's lives and make yourselves financially worse off over that then go, you...

You are the Madrid/LA man and you’ve posted before unless there are two of you with incredibly similar marriages.

Your marriage is a shit show and has been for a long time.

You need to either call it a day or have marriage counselling (together and/or separately).

I don’t think this is particularly about your FIL to be honest.

When you were told he was in the ICU, was it clear that there was a high chance he might die? I ask because my late grandparents were hospitalized several times in the years before their deaths, and even when they were in the ICU, it wasn’t always for things that were life-threatening.

Yes!! I knew it.

And he always gets in a temper when posters don’t agree with him wholeheartedly

I am from lreland where funerals happy almost immediately and l still wouldn't have a problem with this. I presume your work is what keeps your family afloat so it was important you did your job. Your dw is traumatised because the death was so sudden so her grief is causing her to be so angry. Bereavement grief and anger can cause terrible problems in some families. Don't defend yourself. Let her be angry and hopefully she will forgive you.

Six days in your wife is probably still in shock and the early stages of grief. It is not uncommon for people to feel angry and to sometimes focus that anger on something inconsequential.

However your wife is probably reeling not just from her father’s sudden death but the fact that her husband who proclaims to love and be close to her father went out and bloody partied!

You are complaining how the wife and the children of the dead man were “off” with you. Seriously, are you usually this self-centred?

Yabu doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Yanbu she is taking her anger out on you - she is in the wrong but that’s sometimes how grief works

How would him sitting alone in his hotel have helped the situation? I don’t see the logic here at all.

I really agree with this post @jooooosh

This. This. And this again.

This is a time to stay steady and constant while your wife and her family grieve. I know you’re grieving too, but you weren’t there when he died and then you didn’t react as your wife wanted you to. Like @Soverymuchfruitsaid, you are now the target of their anger.

You will have time to repair and to grieve later if you don’t push this now. Speak to your wife and assure her that you greatly miss your FIL and that you are here for her. Then just be there for her and her family, whether they choose to lean on you or not.

The fact you then managed to find a workaround means you probably could have done that originally - you CHOSE not to do that. You made a choice and you are now facing the repercussions of that choice.

The thing is, and I say this as someone who primarily thinks from logic, this isn’t about logic, and you are trying to logic this away. Grief is about hurt and a whole heap of stress and irrationality because of stress. The bottom line for your wife is simple: she needed you and you weren’t there.

I agree with the poster who says that your flight logistics aren’t what they seem as you later moved them. I think your own need to justify what you chose is doing a lot of the work here. But really, it doesn’t matter too much how you can rationalise it. Your wife was grieving, and she needed you, and you made a series of decisions that made her feel like she was not the priority. That really matters.

What you do now is dependant on who you want to be. You could double down on your choices and keep insisting you are right, and the consequences will be clear, or you can act from a place of love, regardless of what you feel logically you did. Because does it matter if you were right or reasonable? Your wife is hurting. Apologise. Show up for her. Be there.

You had booked a flight.

Were you meant to sit in your hotel room motioning from the other side of the Atlantic?

I can’t see you did anything wrong.

Moat companies would t have even sanctioned you leaving for an In law.