AIBU? Missed the immediate aftermath of FIL’s death for a work event and now whole family is freezing me out

[jooooosh]

Need some perspective here because I am currently sleeping in the spare room and nobody in my family will talk to me.

I'm 44M and my wife is 44F. We've been together since we were teenagers, married for many years, and have three kids. We're very close to each other's families. My in laws have basically known me since I was a kid, so they’ve always treated me like family.

About three weeks ago, I had to travel from Madrid to Los Angeles for a very important work project. There was a huge amount of money involved and some very wealthy clients, so I had several meetings and events that had been planned well in advance. Honestly, their lifestyle isn't really my thing, but professionally I had to be involved.

When I left Madrid, my wife and kids were on holiday in Mallorca. Everything was completely fine between us.

About a week into my trip, my father in law suddenly became seriously ill and was admitted to the ICU. My wife called me repeatedly that night, along with my kids. I normally keep my phone on silent when I’m sleeping, so I didn't see the calls immediately.

When I called my wife back at morning, she was crying and told me what had happened. She asked me to come home

I immediately started looking for flights. The problem was that I had several important commitments over the next 3–4 days, including a major event hosted by one of our clients and a call with people from another company that I genuinely needed to attend. I told my wife I would come back as soon as I could.

Unfortunately, my father in law died that afternoon.

I started looking for flights again, but there weren't any suitable flights available for the next couple of days. I eventually booked the earliest flight I could get.

And this is where I completely screwed up.
That night, I still went to the client's party.
It was a big LA type event, I stayed late, and honestly, looking back, I understand how terrible that looks. My wife found out where I had been through a friend.

The next morning she was furious. She told me that while her father had just died, I was out partying in Los Angeles.

I tried explaining that the event had already been planned, that I was trying to get home, and that I had already booked my flight. But I realize now that none of that probably mattered to her in that moment.

I ended up changing my plans again, flew LA to London to Madrid, and arrived the following day.

By the time I got there, my wife, kids, mother in law and the rest of the family were already in another city preparing for the funeral.
When I arrived, nobody really spoke to me.
My wife wouldn't look at me. My mother in law was extremely cold toward me. Her brother and sister also barely acknowledged me.

Funeral happened, and I felt completely sidelined. It has now been six days. My wife has barely spoken to me. one time she did, she was extremely angry. I'm currently sleeping in another room.

I know I made a terrible decision by going to that party. I should probably have stayed in my hotel, even if I couldn't get an earlier flight. I can understand why seeing pictures or hearing that I was at a party while her father had just died would feel absolutely awful.

But at the same time, I genuinely was trying to get home. I wasn't choosing a party over my father in law's funeral. I was dealing with a work commitment, couldn't immediately get a flight, and had already booked the earliest one I could find.

My in laws and I have always been extremely close. I've known them for decades, and I've never treated them like they're just my wife's family. I loved my father in law too.

So I'm struggling with this.

Did I really deserve to be completely shut out and treated like I don't exist for six days?

If it was your wife of kid that would have been different but an in law, really ?
What could you have done anyway? Your wife had her family as did your mil, there was no need for you to rush back. If in deed work would have let you.
We didn't rush back for my fil who was supposedly "hacking his last breath." We couldn't have done anything anyway, h didn't want to see his dad dragging on.

You could have got home if you had wanted to.

My in laws and I have always been extremely close. I've known them for decades, and I've never treated them like they're just my wife's family. I loved my father in law too.

This isn't what your actions showed them when you went partying in Los Angeles. Come on now, surely you can't really be surprised at the fallout.

I don’t think you did anything wrong OP.

Family is important but so is work. Family would be pretty upset if he lost his job.

I'm sorry for your loss.

OP, do your family or does your culture place importance on the concept of 'being in mourning' for a period after a death? If so, I can see why your attendance at the party landed badly.

But, it is done - you can't go back and change it. Your wife and family are grieving - for now I think you apologise sincerely, explain that you had to make hurried decisions and you made the wrong ones, then keep your head down while being supportive in whatever way you can.

I think when the first wave of grief and shock is over, you will be forgiven. Your wife will need you more than ever when the bustle of the funeral is over and your wider circle of friends and family have gone back to their normal lives - make sure you are there for her whenever she needs you.

It's totally different going to a party with friends for fun to attending a work event for - well, work!

And the emotive comment was aimed at the pp not the OP's family.

I also wonder what sort of "friends" were at this party who told the OP where her DH was and stirred the pot.

YANBU, why sit alone in a hotel room when you could still honour a work commitment. Very strange people think you are unreasonable for this! Sadly your FIL passed away, but life doesn’t just grind to a total halt

In our family no one would freeze you out. You couldn’t get there on time, even if your phone wasn’t on silent and you’d booked a flight that morning. My Dad would absolutely expect my husband to prioritise keeping the show in the road. That means going to your client’s event. You haven’t missed the funeral.

But he obviously was able to leave as he did so as soon as he found out that his wife had been told that he was at a party until late. He then made more effort to find a flight home. He is obviously very senior with more leeway than in your job. Where I worked staff were entitled to 10 days bereavement leave so not all workplaces are as mean as yours.

As OP has been part of his wife's family since he was a teenager, his wife expected him to be grieving the death of her dad and she was obviously shocked to learn that he had been partying immediately after he heard the news of her father's death.

Yes I think so especially as it sounds like the OP earns well.

Anyway it seems like the responses are about 50-50 either way..

I know I made a terrible decision by going to that party.

No, the terrible decision was to prioritise work over family.

Family always comes first. Jobs will come and go.

Would you have travelled home had it been your father?

Absolutely this!

I think it is times like these that bring a relationship into sharp focus and show where someone's priorities really are. For me, I would want to know that my husband would put me and our family first at one of the worst times anyone could ever face. But you didn't do that. It sounds like you didn't really make any real effort to get there to support your wife and your kids when they needed to. Your post just sounds like a long list of excuses and justifications for just carrying on with your plans as if nothing had happened. You made the wrong choice and not just about the party. You need to face up to that and stop making excuses or acting like you are the victim here. I am not sure if I could forgive this.

I’ve voted you’re not being unreasonable, but you’ve also not covered yourself in glory. I totally understand the nature of this kind of work trip and in your wife’s position I’d understand how difficult it would be for you to drop everything and come. However, I would want to feel that you were torn and completely understood how much you just being at home would help, so a conversation that said something like I really want to be there for you and the rest of the family and I’m also committed to this work thing, that its going to be really hard to get out of. I’d probably say, ok what a bloody nightmare stay, but get home asap and if you’d then said, look I’ve got to show my face at this party tonight, I really don’t want to, but I have no choice, again I’d get it.

you didn’t do any of that, nor did you really make an effort to get flights because you clearly could have got a connecting one. Have you missed birthdays, aniversaries, important school events etc due to work? You do know it doesn’t feel great when work intrudes into family life and you’re left on your own. I’m not sure it’s just about partying when fil had just died, it’s likely that you looked like it just wasn’t that important or she wasn’t important enough. You can put this right, but do not give excuses, you messed up and you need to never do anything that makes your wife feel that’s she’s not the most important thing ing your life again.

You say you have known him for decades and are very close.

But not close enough to be shocked about his sudden death or sad enough that you couldn’t go out and party for the night.

That would hurt.

My biggest fury would be at you putting your phone on silent, your wife and children are in a different country and you put your phone on silent, why? You don't suddenly stop being a father and husband when on a work trip.. I think you are massively unreasonable to put your phone on silent when you're not working.

You didn't answer your phone when she needed you.

You told her you would be back as soon as you could, but actually planned on coming home 4 days later.

You went out to a party the evening he died and kept it secret.

Not sure what sort of welcome you expected to be honest.

The thing about marriage is it is a commitment to be there when the other person really needed you. Your wife really needed you and you prioritised other things.

The "suitable flights" is a good example of the kind of half-truths that you tell her every day, I am sure. There are loads of flights every day from LAX to all corners of the globe. Some of them are a bit inconvenient. Some are a bit expensive. But you prioritised your work, your comfort and your cash over her and her feelings in her hour of need.

There are only a handful of days you 100% need your husband there. But death of a parent isone of them. I am not sure how you are coming back from this, to be honest,

It's really clear that there are some hugely differing opinions here. Neither side is wrong or right, just different approaches. The OP's just got unlucky that they and their DW/inlaws sit in different camps in this.

When my FIL died, my DH went to his family and my role was to keep everything going for our DC. If I had been on a work trip, I probably would have had to come back, because our DC were pretty young and DH couldn't have taken them with him. As they are older now, he might have been able to take them with him, in which case I'd have stayed working if I was on a trip or working at home otherwise. But I wasn't supporting my DH or other in-laws, that was down to their family unit.

If this was my DH I’d expect to have an open and honest conversation about whether he was able to come back early or not. I’d expect him to contact me more than he normally would whilst away and to tell me that he needed to attend the social event for work, not to find out from a friend. And I’d expect him to find me in a bit of a state, be ready to pick up the pieces and give a lot of support and love. I’m not sure this is just about the choice not to come home but also about communication.

I didn't go to either of my in-laws funerals, we are Irish and we had five minutes notice of the funeral. We live in a different country with a lot of animals and it simply wasn't possible to organise care for them at short notice. My DH understood and he wasn't grieving alone.

So I don't think you did anything wrong - dropping work and rushing back would have achieved nothing and I am sure work would have taken a dim view. And lots of us don't have the luxury of saying "Family comes before work", especially not in the worst job market in decades.

But I agree with PPs. Don't double down. Your wife is grieving, she feels you were not there for her, find a way to make it up to her and be there for her now. You can either by happy or be right in this situation, you can't be both!

I also think there's a difference between someone being ill and you might have time to say goodbye. If they are already dead they won't be any less dead.

As for the phone being on silent, there's always the option of calling the hotel and asking someone to go and bang on the hotel bedroom door! Although I'd leave my phone on vibrate.

I think what you didn’t wasn’t that bad. On the face of it, you couldn’t have come home any sooner so you might as well have done what needed to be done.

Who has their phone on loud overnight?! I don’t. Dead FIL or not, his wife would’ve known he was in a different time zone and wouldn’t see her calls. She and the family are being completely irrational.