AIBU to turn down a major promotion because of parenting guilt?

[Thefrozenone]

AIBU to turn down a huge huge promotion due to guilt?

posted on parenting thread but still in two minds. Feel guilty accepting a full time role which means more time away from LO - longer days at work with condensed hours.

Single parent so will be difficult juggling nursery drop and pick ups will be difficult. My employer is somewhat flexible but I do have concerns that the nature of the role will inevitably mean less flexibility than I currently have as it is more senior. Commute would be into central London and I would have to ask to leave early on office days - twice a week - as I won’t make it home before nursery closing otherwise.

Was renting but moved in with parents to save. This would be an opportunity to move out and have a place of our own again.

really torn - can’t tell if being unreasonable to turn town, or crazy to take it and make it work.

Make it work as you are a single parent - you probably need the money and you might not get the chance again.

No, you're not being unreasonable, it's often very hard for mums to get even less time with their little kids, and if you have no one at all to help, it will be very difficult. I'd try to make friends with other parents so you can get some help on occasions.
I obviously don't mean make friends to use people, just seen how that could be read-but I mean friends help each other out, and if you've no other help, that's vital.

Thanks both

@Pistachiocake I do have help and support but there will be times when my support network are not around - such as holidays etc - that’s when it’ll be tough.

Can you give it a go? Could you easily find another decent job if it turned out not to fit in with family life

also could you find a lovely child minder and accept you’ll be at your parents a little longer than you would have liked due to not being able to save as much with paying for the child minder?

i think child minders can offer you that extra flexibility and can be very caring longer term constants in family life

If you’re a single parent it feels really unfair on your child. At a senior level and being a single parent too, they’ll be the kid whose parent never shows up for anything at school and isn’t around in the holidays. A sad, lonely existence of feeling pretty abandoned I’d imagine. For what?! You could presumably move out of London; find a job in a cheaper location where you can find a happier work life balance? Maybe not straight away but that’s what I would be aiming for.

There’s no perfect answer. Give yourself grace that you’re only ever going to be able to do the best you can with the information and circumstances you’ve got.
Does it make sense to remain at home and take the the promotion so you’re more actively saving? Does your current job mean you already use nursery care? When does school and other clubs etc start?
I think it’s far easier to ask for flexible working and early finishes etc once you’re past probation and have your feet under the table. If you (and your parents/supporters) can figure out the next 6-12 months then you could be in a really strong position and path ahead indeed.

I'd give it a go but set firm boundaries at work from which you do not deviate. If that doesn't work then look for another job.

This is a very tough one, OP. As @AbzMoz says, you’re really at heart the only one who can judge the impacts. All I can say is that often in our careers we feel we have to jump at opportunities because, somewhere deep down, we fear they might be the ONLY opportunities. That’s probably not true for you now (it becomes sadly more true as you get older) so do take a deep breath before making any decisions. There is something to be said, in early childhood years, for avoiding disruption or chaos if you have a system that is working for you

You need to discuss your needs with your boss to explain the position and that you need certainty around flexible office schedules and so on given you have a nursery aged child.

its doable but only when the employer is willing to support the flexibility you need.

When you speak with your employer, offer solutions on how you can make this work.

In your post you’ve said that the role has 2 office days a week. Are those actually critical to do the job? Or would it work 100 percent remote and the office days are just company policy?

If it could be done 100 percent remote, I would take the job. Stay at your parents for another 6 months and ask them to help with pickups for that time. DC won’t miss out - they’ll have your parents there.

Then, after that, move out and raise the difficulty with pickups with your boss and try to negotiate more wfh time, shorter office days etc.

Im a single parent, and not working full time is, in my opinion, the key to making it work through the school years. But you need to be on a decent salary to be able to afford to do that. So I’d consider this new job as a stepping stone and in 2 years look for another step up with a reduction in hours.

Long term it might be good to go for it for the income - is it a decent pay rise? What are the travel costs like? Speaking of travel, is the transport reliable or do trains get cancelled frequently - what is the backup plan for nursery pickup if that happens?

It's also worth thinking about what will happen when DC starts school - hopefully there would be after school clubs available but I know in some schools they get full!

What time wit you get with DC - if it's compressed hours do you get a day with them during the week then also the weekend?

Only you can decide that. I don't think you are unreasonable to choose the job that gives you more time with your child. That's what I would do, if I could. However, if you need the money and the benefits are there for your family, then you aren't wrong to take the job. You know the big picture and how it all fits for you and your child.

It's good not to have too many changes at the same time. Having to go into the office only two days a week is a nice balance. Can you accept the job but wait until you feel comfortable before moving out on your own? Do your parents help out with your children?

I have been in your shoes OP as a single parent. I took the job, and it opened up so many future opportunities both for my career and for my child in terms of housing, schooling, holidays etc.

what I’d say about the flexibility aspect is that I’ve found, 100% of the time, that it’s possible to negotiate an arrangement that works for all with a new role/employer so long as you do it up front. If it’s just holidays you’re worried about - when the kids re small we’re all just muddling through that aspect, partnered or not!

How major is major by the way? £20k more, £30k more?

I don't agree with this at all, and I think there are lots of assumptions being made here that aren't necessarily valid.

When I was a senior manager with young dc, I actually found the complete opposite. I had a lot more leverage with my employer because my skills were highly valued. I also had a lot more flexibility than less senior members of staff, because I was much more in control of my own schedule - as long as I got the job done, I was pretty much able to decide when and how I worked.

I certainly wasn't the parent who never showed up to stuff in school - quite the contrary - and I actually had more annual leave as a senior manager to spend with dc in the holidays.

In your situation, I would be inclined to talk to your prospective employer about your situation as a single parent and ask them about the flexibility that you're likely to need. I certainly wouldn't assume that more senior means less flexible, as that isn't how it works for many people.

Something to consider about being more senior - I have more flexibility now being more senior as I can control more of my diary and people work to my schedule? Wasn’t from day 1 as I felt like I needed to be present for everything but then I worked out what I could delegate, what was important and when to tell people to move for me

You are not unreasonable to be torn.

It makes perfect sense to think carefully when you're on your own as a parent.

I guess you see both sides.

You will likely have a very hard few months or years if you take it, for the reasons you listed. Hard at work and at home. I didn't see your kid's age so potentially years.

You would need a solution for nursery pick-up and drop-off, or else a childminder. Then you have to add up the costs of making a success of it - extra commuting, childcare, etc. - and compare with the salary increase.

A promotion can cost you money when kids are small enough, as I learned myself, but it is not forever and can be worth taking a temporary hit for long-term gain.

Think about how much you'd like that job, is it a good fit for you, what the progression prospects are, if you see yourself staying with the company long-term, if you know/like any new colleagues or bosses. Being happy and feeling confident help offset being overstretched.

Also think how often promotions come up. If there are regularly new opportunities you can apply for, you might wait for the next one, especially if this one doesn't feel right.

Good luck. 🤗

I wouldn’t take the job. Stay with your parents for a bit and save anyway.

Your career will be 30 years long yet, but you’ll never get this time back with your DC. Really long days in nursery and a frazzled Mum are not in your child’s interest, or yours frankly.

I sacrificed my career to be with my family and I do not regret it.

If I had taken the offer, I'd be retired now with all the material wealth one could imagine, but no memories of family life.

do it - it is much better to regret things you do than things you don’t in this context - you can try it for a year and if it doesn’t work then change the job. Parenting is about sacrifice - you are sacrificing time with your children in order to shore up their future - this is vital as a single parent

Thanks all, just to answer the questions - it is a 21k increase and it’s an internal promotion - I have been with my employer for just shy of 10 years.

working full time would actually be easier when LO is in school which is in 2 years time. As my full time hours would be 8-3 and I would be able to nip off for school runs etc, and I certainly don’t foresee missing out on school events etc I’d want to be very present.

I wouldnt look to move out instantly - even with the pay increase it would be difficult to do this alone at first. It’s more setting the foundations for the next couple of years to hopefully move out before LO starts school - so it would be a big change in terms of job and routine for me and LO but moving out won’t come for another couple of years.

the condensed hours would look 8-5:30pm over 4 days, 1 day with LO on Mondays. Unfortunately due to being a single parent DD sees father on a Saturday and then back with me Sunday. So I would lose one day a week with LO.

My employer are focused on being family friendly and I am sure they would be understanding on the occasions I do need more flexibility.

I suppose it is more my own internal guilt. I have parents who are great but their stance is that time is precious and I should stay at lower level until LO is in school and then worry. However, I suppose my stance is that I want to give myself and LO a comfortable life. My father was never around when I was younger, I don’t remember that but I do remember all the great holidays and experiences we had because of the fact he worked so hard.

I am extremely torn.

Take it, it’s difficult in the short term but as you get more senior you can usually get more flexibility.

What do you lose if you take the job and it doesn’t work for you? Could you then step down or sideways into a role with fewer hours, if you needed to?

Also when my dd started school I said to her dad that he couldn’t have all weekend any more (Thursday to Sunday) because I needed to see her for quality time as well. Since then he has had her routinely on Wednesday nights (doing Wednesday pickup a Thursday school run) and Friday nights, picking her up from school on Fridays and bringing her back after tea on Saturdays. That gave us both a whole day at the weekend to spend with dd. Would your ex be open to doing something similar, so you don’t lose out on that time?

Can you foresee yourself getting another role with the benefits you want (pay) without the drawbacks?

Tbh I would have the same guilt but now I'm a mum of a 10yo who is often off doing their own thing, I'd say that they don't really remember the time, they remember the feeling. So quality, focused time with you, and happy nursery time will lead to them going up remembering a happy childhood.

Is there any chance your parents view is slightly driven by selfishness and wanting you all with them?

And remember, our while your parents may have a clear world view about how things should be done, there is no right way, and their right way isn't necessary going to be yours.

Deep down I think you want the job and will take it. Just say yes to it, now, and rip off the plaster and let the pieces fall into place. You can always change if it isn't working but I'd say don't quit on yourself and the life you want 5 years from now.