How to deal with people who have these views

[Sunshiiiiiiiine]

Notice it sometimes in friendships/acquaintances and with certain family members. A narrow, one-track way of seeing things and a lack of imagination.

Planning a wedding has brought a lot of this up... "You absolutely need to have xyz.. but what do you mean you're not doing X, it's your wedding! Everyone does X!" "You're not having bridesmaids??? Really??? Don't you have a big group of friends?"

Cars. "But didn't you want something newer/bigger/more modern??? Anything under Y year/price/over X mileage will be crap!!

No, because believe it or not not everyone has thousands lying around or wants to commit to expensive finance repayments, or wants an SUV, or cares about the latest tech.

Work: "So you're doing X job now?? Why did you study Y at uni then??" (With a big smirk) and 'really, you do X as a second job???' Again with a smirk.

"Oh, you're shy aren't you!! Have you always been?? Why are you shy??? Are you shy or quiet??"
Yes, because bringing it up in front of everybody is just the confidence boost I needed.

Many more examples.

I try to just stick to my guns, be polite but firm, keep doing what I want to do but it gets a bit annoying at times. It's like anything you do that's slightly different from how they live or do things must be scrutinised rather than just letting people live. Does anyone else have this?

It's also a bit like they're threatened by somebody doing something that doesn't validate their own choices.

I had a very non traditional wedding and no one said anything like what you are describing. Guests came and celebrated, or declined the invitation, and that was that.

People asking questions about why my path in one thing led to another isn’t something that bothers me, I quite like talking about my career journey.

You seem to have either really overbearing friends and family, extreme sensitivity to innocuous comments or a lack of boundaries. Just let the comments wash over you.

I don't mind harmless questions either, asking what made someone choose a different career path is perfectly valid. But i finished uni nearly 20 years ago, someone can surely fathom that people change careers and haven't signed a contract saying they must work in the same field forever. It's when it's said with a massive smirk as if it's wild.

Went to wedding a couple of months ago and the guy on our table said he studied music at x uni so my DH said oh Sartre did her undergrad there! He asked what I studied so I said English Lit and he very smugly said (with a smirk) “how’s that working out for you then”. I said very well, I have a PhD and now lecture at Manchester. It transpired he didn’t even finish his degree after all that and now works in sales. I felt vindicated.

Yep, this is me and always has been.

It's called being independent, having your own mind and not following what everyone else does. I wouldn't care to be any other way.

@Sartre how pretentious of him. I agree it's empowering to not care, luckily most people around me are not like this, it's just a small number who happen to have the loudest voices. It says more about them really.

No matter what you do, there will always be those who feel threatened by you and your choices and feel they have to establish superiority. Those people are dicks and need avoiding.

I think it’s a lack of imagination, and in some cases a lack of intelligence, worldliness, or both.

Did the smirking person actually go to university themselves? Anyone with experience of a graduate career path would surely know you often end up in an unrelated field.

My ILs comment negatively on everything, in a similarly invasive way. I think it’s partly they have one idea of how people should be/live (like them) and they want to bring us down ‘a peg or two’. It’s very wearing and I no longer get into a debate on anything. I just say versions of ‘it works for us’ or ‘we all value different things’, But it’s impossible to have a relationship beyond that really, as everything comes down to them making an assessment, or negating a perfectly neutral choice that doesn’t affect them 🤷‍♀️

I'd just forge my own path and let it wash over me. They're probably jealous of your independence hence the digs. I feel a bit sorry for people who need to follow the crowd or keep up with the Joneses / latest 'in' trends. It's how people get into financial trouble etc too. It's always good to question and ask whether XYZ will really make you happy.

I think they’re just insecure as hell and have low self esteem. Having a dig at someone else momentarily makes them feel better. Can’t imagine feeling so bad about myself, it must be tough.

People like this drive me MAD.

To things like 'you HAVE to do xxx...'
I have started responding: 'says who?'
Which usually gets the 'well, its just what you do/everyone does' response.
To which I reply 'oh so its a made up rule then, so i can just do what I want!'
Tends to shut them up.

The car thing (and ive had similar) i shrug and go 'just didnt want to' which throws people as they expect you to start justifying it. If they keep going ive started slipping in a little 'you clearly care about this a lot more than I do!'.
Which is so rude but I think its rude to question people's choices, sooo

I did actually recently say 'not everyone's the same and isnt that one of the wonderful things about life, that we dont have to follow made up rules and make the same decisions!' To an annoying family member and they didnt quite know what to say to that and went quiet. So I'll be using that again.

Im quite happy being a weirdo, but I find making these people feel like they are being weird is a great way to shut up these rude people because they are horrified at the thought of being weird!

I wouldn't be polite at this point.... give it back as good as you get - is what i say.....

If you don't stand up for yourself.. well, no one will.

People get married in the way that is meaningful to them and which they can afford, I had a work colleague who went out in her lunch time and got married at the local registry office. It was only later that day someone noticed she was wearing a wedding ring that we knew about it.

It can be because they know things don't always pan out as expected and, like in the post above where the man did music but works in sales, certain degrees you do because you love them, like English, or Music, are thought less likely to lead to a job, so maybe some of them are just ready to agree life isn't always as expected?
Also, the idea of a graduate easily able to have a good job in one field for life is no longer accepted as a given.
And for working class people, they might be jealous they didn't get the opportunities, so smirking might cover resentment that if you were a woman/working class last century, you wouldn't (easily) have the opportunities to follow anything but a set path.
(I know several older members of my family said being born in a council house just meant you were very unlikely to get the freedom to do things people your age, especially men from richer families could do).

The ones who I know are all graduates and in high-paying roles, they've worked in the same field/industry ever since uni and worked their way up in the NHS etc. So anything other than that seems to be met with raised eyebrows..

I honestly can't be bothered to feel anything about it. When I was doing my masters, every time I mention the subject people would disappointingly say "oh, so it's quite vocational" as if it was somehow substandard. But then I have my bachelors in fine art and philosophy - not vocational at all - and got "oh, but what are you going to do after graduation". You can't please everybody, nor should you. I just smile and nod and go about my life.

I’ve definitely experienced this, I do think it’s a lack of imagination/curiosity/intelligence a lot of the time. Many people also hate change and hate it even more when they realise other people have changed and they haven’t and feel left behind, so they judge and attempt to belittle rather than face up to having been passive passengers in their own lives

It's sad, why should we be on the receiving end of their insecurities.

I just do my own thing and don’t worry about people saying stuff - apart from DH but we are aligned on things anyway. I don’t overshare though with anyone so I don’t really get into these conversations. Perhaps you share too much and that invites a conversation about it?

Re the car comment I’d just say “I’m happy with it” and move on. Wedding stuff Id only tell my partner anyway. I wouldn’t tell people about my second job - it invites smirkers. Re your first degree “yeah it worked out well actually, I’m really happy with the path I took”. If they come back with “I would never have…” just smile and say “well I guess we are all different John”.

I went to uni at 28, ten years after most people, worked abroad with my kids, countries that some people don’t seem to like that much, learnt a language that’s pretty hard for native English speakers - they can only hold you back if you let them!

That wasn’t what I was expecting you to say, but I think if you are immersed in a field like medicine with a very set path you can be clueless about how other careers work, I guess. Were they all privately educated same schools/same unis? We have it on one side of the extended family where no one has set foot in state school, and everyone thinks we are incredibly weird/mad that our kids go to the local comp. I think if you are totally immersed in one lifestyle it can be impossible to imagine any others you’ve not experienced (like not having generational wealth, BOMAD, etc)

I deal with people like this using one of two methods, sometimes both in tandem.

A) Stay away from people like this.
B) Not giving a fuck about what other people think.

I also got called 'nomadic' for moving house after 2 years?? Unfortunately they're sometimes part of wider friendship groups so it's hard to fully avoid them, but i do if i can.

Honestly? I think they’re just horrible people or there is something about your interactions that make them want to be horrible to you. It not your problem, it’s theirs.

I dont feel that I overshare specifically, but some people are very nosy: what year is your car??? How much was it??? What mileage??? Lets see a photo!!!

Yes. It’s insecurity in themselves.