AIBU to be frustrated by my husband interrupting me while I work from home?

[Messydesks]

Am taking a quick coffee break as have been working since 8.

I am just feeling frustrated as DH is off this week but kind of mooching around the house with the teens. The teens know to leave me in peace when I am working but DH is constantly popping his head round the door to tell me some random thought hes had or ask me some random question

My work involves periods of intense focus (hence the coffee break!) and it really stresses me out to be interrupted. I have tried telling him so many times. I don't get why he can't respect it

Just want to hear from both people WFh /people at home while their spouses WFH about how to handle this

Nb I don't mind them being noisy in the house etc. I shut the study door and I am good at zoning out from background noise

Why does it have to be spent out of the house?
Why would you expect his attention when he is working?
Surely he just shuts his door and you each get on with your days?

I often wonder how those who WFH and can’t manage others around managed in the times before they started to become less of a thing?

Genuine question because when I’m at work if I need to concentrate I block others around me out.

If I’m able to engage with them i do and then go back to what I was doing.

Im not suggesting people interrupting is acceptable if you’ve said not to just wondering is these people are use to working around others so find it really hard to grasp why some people can’t do that?

My ds works from home and although often I’m out at work when he’s home he has no issue with me walking past and saying hi, how was your day or will ask me the same as i walk past.

If he’s in a meeting or on a call he shuts the door until it’s done and then opens it.

@Messydesks because the alternative is the children just endlessly trying to get his attention and as anyone who has little children probably knows the more you ignore them the more determined they become. So my time in the house is just spent trying to manage this and getting them to leave DH alone so he can work and it’s very stressful.

I realise it is different with teens of course.

As for me, I am not often in the house without the children but on the rare occasion I am, I can’t watch TV downstairs and put a film on; I can’t do housework listening to the radio or music, I am constantly aware of his presence and can hear him, but also am just endlessly flirting about like a strange ghost. In no way am I criticising you here by the way or even my DH: it is what it is, but my life feels extremely restricted and my home is no longer a place of security and relaxation, it’s a workplace, and that’s very hard to swallow.

🤣

When he disturbs you, ask him if he would have phoned or come into your office to tell you that.

And get a lock or door wedge

I can't understand why you can't watch tv/put music on?

And even when we were tiny we knew not to interrupt our dad when he was in his study. Get your DH to make it clear to them.

His study is his workplace. Life should go on in the rest of the house

My partner WFH probably 4 days out of 5 a week and he is fine with me popping in for a chat throughout the day. I don't do it loads, maybe once or twice depending what me and our little one are up to..I do work a few days a week too. If you were working in an office you'd be having snippets of conversation with colleagues so I don't see any difference tbh. I obviously don't go in when he is in a meeting or if I know he has a strict deadline.

There was a post several months ago where a poster mentioned, for some inexplicable reason, she was unable to crack on with her normal household stuff when her husband was at home. She became unproductive, not necessarily because he was in the way, just because he was there. A lot of posters agreed with her including myself. It's a strange phenomenon but a lot of people feel the same, I guess this is similar with the WFH situation.

DH and I both work from home.

The simple rule is:

Door shut - I'm busy and don't want to be disturbed.
Door open - I'm working but interruptable, so come on in.

DH often wants to wonder in a chat about something that just happened, and most of the time he is welcome to, but if my door is shut, I'm head down or on a mtg.

One conversation. ONE. That’s all it should take unless he is supremely thick. Any more than that and he is being massively disrespectful of you and your job.
My ex used to do this to me - several interruptions every day, including hoovering around my desk whilst I was on a call! He’s was a controlling arse intent on sabotaging me, though, so… 🤷🏼‍♀️

Then your house is not properly equiped for him to work from home and that needs discussion and change.

He should be in a room with a door close that allows you to live your life how you chose in your own home.

We both WFH, but if I want to empty the dishwasher and clatter about I will. If DH needs quiet for a mtg, his door should be shut. If the other has a day off they should be able to live in the whole house without making themselves small for the one who is working, and we can.

It's about the set up.

Too many people don't respect wfh (I don't have that sort of job, but I understand that most people who do need to focus for at least part of the day). True, some people have very flexible ones and as long as they get xyz done by the end of the week, they can break whenever they like, but clearly you don't, and he needs to be told clearly. Write a big sign and put it on the door STAY OUT UNTIL 5PM!

Because it would disturb him working from hone. He has a lot of meetings.

I suppose children are all different but I would add (and I am not doubting your word) that we don’t always remember things accurately. I don’t really remember being two - it’s nice to think I never bothered my parents but I’m fairly sure I did.

@theemmadilemma at the moment he’s in the lounge which is a huge challenge but even when he wasn’t he wouldn’t stay in one room: he was in and out and out. And I am willing to accept that partly skews my view. But honestly even tucked away it changes the atmosphere in the house in a way I don’t necessarily think you can understand if you don’t understand. I’ve seen enough discussions on here over the years to know some women (mostly women but that’s because it’s MN) can just shut the door and that’s it: it’s like DH has gone to work. For me, I can’t do that, I know he’s there and it does affect me and affect the children.

Come on @magicalsummereve .. if he's having meetings in the LOUNGE then of course its going to impact you and the kids!

Why aren't you putting your foot down about that? Why aren't you creating boundaries in your own home? If you don't have a spare room for him to work out of, then its not a house that is equipped for home working.

You need to speak to your husband about this and create a plan that works for both. It is ridiculous that either of you think that lounge working is a good solution. No wonder you feel as you do!

@andthat i know, believe me! But it’s always been like this. Obviously it is much worse at the moment but his WFH presence has always been a thorn in my side. I was fine with it for a couple of days a week but it really is incredibly intrusive.

I work from our kitchen table as I am also the main carer of the dogs whether anyone is in or not - as in they are happier with me and chill and just get let out for a wee every few hours. I don’t expect anyone to tiptoe around - I do however expect anyone to not have a conversation with me whilst I’m working.

It’s a bit like an office really - where you’re at a desk and people carry on as normal around you - people can talk, makes brews, eat - I just don’t need to be involved in what’s going on.

I do have a work space elsewhere in the house but not everyone is lucky enough to have this - I just find it works better for me to work from the kitchen table

If it's something you've grown up with then of course you're going to be used to it - but your DH clearly isn't.

Also, I would absolutely respect a closed door but I also would feel a bit weird at having my partner at home all day but simultaneously unavailable. For me, a house is a home - it's not a substitute office or a work space.

I understand you have no choice so obviously your DH needs to just get on with it, but equally I can understand how he feels.

Get a lock for thr study door.

Put a 'DO NOT DISTURB' sign on the door.

If he bothers you from the other side of the locked door, tear rashers off him.

Yes, that’s largely how I feel. I think it’s possible to understand how both feel. I don’t think the OP is unreasonable and his behaviour isn’t OK, but I also know what an impact my DHs WFH has had on me and on family life generally.

I used to have a similar problem with DH - he also got distracted and struggled to WFH
himself. I also had to concentrate. I found it effective, as soon as he opened the door, to state firmly ‘working’. If he carried on talking regardless, another ‘working’ and kept repeating it every time he opened his mouth till he left. After a while, he understood there was no point in interrupting as he would just get that one word. If he had persisted regardless, I would have got a lock.

My thought on this is that the DH is capable of learning new things. He is apparently a functioning adult in other parts of his life.

I suspect he has developed the bad mental habit of seeing his wife as a human who should be available to him at all times, and I bet he wouldn't hesitate to express irritation if he were the one being interrupted while he was at work, at home, for stupid reasons.

Would he have done this to a colleague?

I really feel for you @magicalsummereve

I really think if you’ve told your husband how much this is impacting you, he either hasn’t heard you… or doesn’t care.

It’s not ok for his work to take over your home. (And I wfh full time!)

It’s a bit more complex than that @andthat . I’ve never told him that in all honesty I hate him WFH because it was only a couple of days a week and I was working myself on those days so while I didn’t love it during school holidays I could put up with it. Now it is every day but it’s because of illness so I can’t really do much about it! And that’s absolutely not me saying I wouldn’t have married DH if I knew he’d get ill: the illness I can cope with, the WFH however is incredibly intrusive and is very difficult to manage.

I agree!
My exH wfh for a while. It was precisely because he wandered all around the house taking calls and expected me and the DCs to scuttle about, anticipate his next move and not make noise when he opened the study door that the arrangement lasted just under four weeks. Two weeks of him treating us all like nuisances and two weeks of him sulking in his study and shooting us dirty looks whenever he emerged to use the loo or make himself some coffee, while he found himself an office space.

To heck with that.