AIBU to be frustrated by my husband interrupting me while I work from home?

[Messydesks]

Am taking a quick coffee break as have been working since 8.

I am just feeling frustrated as DH is off this week but kind of mooching around the house with the teens. The teens know to leave me in peace when I am working but DH is constantly popping his head round the door to tell me some random thought hes had or ask me some random question

My work involves periods of intense focus (hence the coffee break!) and it really stresses me out to be interrupted. I have tried telling him so many times. I don't get why he can't respect it

Just want to hear from both people WFh /people at home while their spouses WFH about how to handle this

Nb I don't mind them being noisy in the house etc. I shut the study door and I am good at zoning out from background noise

Well, I guess, but (for me anyway) there’s a big difference between having a partner who’s unavailable because they’re out at work all day and them being unavailable but in the room next door or upstairs.

Homes aren’t workplaces and I think the people who WFH often don’t remember that.

If you’ve told him many times not to interrupt you and he won’t listen then you have bigger issues…

Why? Can’t you just pretend they are not there? It’s surely nice that they don’t have to factor in 2 hours travel time and can log off and help with dinner or whatever.

Ask him to install a lock on your office door.

Subsequently whenever he interrupts you, stonewall him except for “you haven’t installed that lock yet”.

My DH would never do this. It's totally disrespectful. He will send me a text if he needs to and knows I will see it when I have time.

Yeah, but isn’t that predicated on you being a SAHP? (In which case surely the home is your workplace, even if it’s unpaid work?) I WFH sometimes, but regardless of whether I’m on campus or at home, whether DH is WFH or not makes no difference to me because I’m focused on my stuff.

Door shut or door open but headphones in both ears means leave me the fuck alone I'm working.

Door open but only one headphone in you aren't going to break my concentration with quick questions

Aside from asking about drinks and food, I tend to message him and only go up in response to his questions/messages or if he starts a conversation whilst I'm passing.

It’s incredibly disrespectful of the dhs who do this. I’d go mad, make a very serious point then install a lock. To be fair, during covid, I was left strictly alone (teacher) because my Dh respected that I had to focus. Regardless of job, partners shouldn’t be interrupting work.

If hes home I'd work from the office.

I have my own business, my DH is retired. When I am in my office working DH does exactly as yours does.

I do find it frustrating. It does break my workflow.

Now before anyone says DH is selfish, a man child or even LTB, I say he just can’t help it, it is like a nervous tick. He knows I am there, he can’t not make contact with me.

I have spoken to him about it, he says he gets it and then an hour later, I hear him on the stairs. I notice that he even uses the upstairs loo more frequently when I am working.

@Messydesks it is different for you as you are doing employed work and your employers expect a level of professionalism and productivity.

It might sound extreme but what about a notice on the door, Do Not Disturb and not a small one or a little catch lock on the inside.

I don’t understand why you just don’t tell him? Don’t you speak honestly with one another?

Of course you can pretend they're not there, but that doesn't change the fact that they are there.

I don’t see it as a rejection at all but I do find it uncomfortable. For example, this morning I was looking for my keys. The children were shouting to me, I was looking and getting stressed … and DH is just sat there staring at his laptop. Moments like that don’t make me feel rejected as in, I feel unattractive or insecure but they do make me feel as if I don’t matter, that I’m existing but unseen and I just don’t like it!

And as this thread shows I know some people can just ignore the fact their partner is there but I can’t. Even in a different room I can sense his presence. (It doesn’t help noise travels in our house!)

Of course it doesn't make a difference to you because you're the one working...

And no, whether you're a SAHP or not doesn't make a difference imo - a home is a home, it's not an office. Generally if both parties are home, they're free and available to help with things, or for conversation etc.

The person working understandably wants to be left alone to work - but a family with other people present isn't the best place for that, imo. I know that's unpopular on MN though.

I get why that’s frustrating and impacting your level of focus but I’m going to go against the grain a little. You said he’s got the week off now which sounds like other times you’re both working? Could it be that it’s that rare moment of time when you’re not like ships in the night and are actually around each other? Could it be that he actually wants to interact with you because otherwise you don’t get that much time together? I’d take that as a bit of a compliment - some spouses can become a bit like roommates and it looks like he actually wants your company.

This is so disrepectful on several levels. At least he isn't doing what my exH used to do - interrupt and nag for sex. Hence him being my ex.

Yes, my DH is adamant that it’s fine, we should carry on our days as normal (although he doesn’t understand what this would look like if we weren’t mostly out of the house.)

I am not a SAHM but I am part time and I am also a teacher so have school holidays off.

Days when DH were in the office used to be my days at home and they were lovely and very relaxed. I do feel that’s been taken from me and largely like I’ve lost control of my home and environment. I realise others don’t feel that way, I’m absolutely not telling others how they should feel, but I am being honest and candid I suppose.

My DH would only interrupt me to bring me tea or tell me his leaving the house ( and how many kids he’s taking with him as oldest is a teen so doesn’t always go) or for an emergency. I do the same when he’s wfh and I’m with the kids.

Mine is cooking and has just interrupted me to show me the size of some onions.

He sounds like an attention seeking child who doesn’t respect your work.

Barricade yourself in the room if he’s not capable of leaving you alone.

Get a water pistol. Squirt him in the face every time he wanders in to tell you his new favourite biscuit. It should only take a few days.

Absolutely! My son was WFH in the kitchen, the busiest room in the house, and thought I should vacate it while he was working. I'm also a spontaneous singer, and even on the few occasions he worked in his room, he'd yell at me to shut up. I sometimes didn't even realise I was doing it. The whole thing caused endless arguments, as I hated having to tiptoe silently around my own house, and stay out of the room I most needed to be in.

You’re not BU at all!! I WFH and I am severely irritated by anyone who interrupts me.

The only exception I will give is my kids when they are on school holidays and it’s lunchtime - happy for them to interrupt me then to make them lunch and I’ll take my break at the same time

From experience, I find most people think WFH is that you’re just ‘at home’. DP will announce his Mum or Gran is popping in for x/y/z and I did used to feel obliged to break to make them a brew and a quick chat. But no more - I’ve made it absolutely clear now that between the hours of 9-5 when I’m home, consider I am invisible or at the office and not at home.

My DH also works from home so understands. He will occasionally pop.his head around the door but if I am on a call or clearly concentrating he melts away. I think you just need a jobs list and every time he interups give him something off the list to do. He will soon stop.

This would drive me crazy. Isn't there a door you can firmly lock?