AIBU to want to alternate Christmases after having our first baby?

[Xmas2026dilemma]

I know it’s only August but we ended up having an argument about this last night, so id like other views.

Mine and DH’s families both live 5 hours away in opposite directions. Normally we alternate each year between going to DM’s and my IL’s. DB and SIL live abroad and also alternate between having DM and SILs parents to stay, and coming home the year we are with DM so we are all together.

This year we’ll have our DD, who will be 10 months for her first Christmas. First grandchild on both sides (and only, unless we have more kids).

DH is adamant that now we have DC, we should stay home every year for Xmas with an open invite to family to visit us. We have space to host dinner but not for everyone to stay, so they will have to stay in a nearby hotel.

He feels that as we have the baby, other people should make the journey, and that he doesn’t want to spend our annual leave traipsing across the country when we should be relaxing.

The challenge is that his parents are difficult characters, and my DM has said she particularly doesn’t like his FIL (not many people do). We are not close but see them once or twice a year including alternate Christmases to keep the peace.

I’m not keen on staying home every year for the following reasons:

• his parents would inevitably come every year, and I like having the break every other year
• The year my DM spends with me would be miserable for her because she’d have to stay alone in a hotel then spend the rest of the time with people she doesn’t like
• It essentially means an end to christmases with my DB and SIL - DD’s aunt and uncle. Understandably SIL wants to see her family at Xmas too (they are not far from my DM) so they wouldn’t travel here.
• When at DM’s I normally see all my aunts, uncles, cousins (who have young children too) on Boxing Day. I would miss this and also don’t want my DD to miss out on that, especially as she will have no cousins of her own.

I had no idea DH would feel this strongly. My preference would be to have one year at home with IL’s visiting us, the next year going to DM’s and seeing my wider family as usual.

YABU - DH is right, now you have DC you need to cut down the travel and start creating your own Xmas at home

YANBU - it’s ok to still want to do Christmas at your DM’s, even if it means a long journey. You should alternate as a compromise.

She says she wants to see her brother and sister in law when they are home too?

I’m with your DH. I want to be at home at Christmas. Everyone in our family has an open invitation to come for any time period over the holiday. Hardly anyone ever has. We used to travel but after multiple experiences gone wrong and little reciprocation, we stopped. My parents so far have refused to travel to see us except once, saying kids should go see their parents. Ok fine except they never did. My mom hosted Christmas every year when I was a kid and my grandparents and other relatives always came to ours. My brother and SIL did as she wished when their DD was very small and then SIL put her foot down and said no more. They only live a short drive from my parents, and my parents (mainly mom) still refused to go see them, saying their house is too small and we don’t like SIL’s cooking. My DH’s family came to ours once and we used to go see them on Boxing day but not anymore as DH also feels the same - we make the effort and no one else does. Probably just my weird family but basically we all just stay at our own homes at Christmas now and everyone seems a lot happier.

That’s what he’s suggested and he’s said no, unfathomably.

Tell him he’s responsible for all the cooking and planning if they come
to
you

I’d alternate between one year you choose and the next year he chooses. His year can be at home with or without in laws (up to him). That way you still get Christmas with your mum.

I hear this a lot and wonder how many women who say it are going to feel when their adult children "start their own traditions"

Who's turn would it be this year/ are your DB + SIL going to your mum's? If so, put your foot down and stay with them.

If DH wants to host he needs to do the hosting.

Do not get browbeaten into staying at home and hosting ut of some notion that it's what you must do when you have children.

We used to do each set before and after Christmas and have Christmas day at home just me DH and DC. Because of the distances involved that might not work for you, but alternating your family one year, home the next is fair enough.

Also think about having to host when you have a small child, how much help will you have?

Also in this case no one is leaving presents behind to go and visit granny down the road as the distances are too large

my kids loved going to different places at Christmas and they always had their presents with them because we stayed a few days due to distance or just because, shocking I know, we like spending time with our families

This is what we do (although we do have the open invite on "our" year as we don't have a difficult family situation and our families pitch in, contribute to the cooking and cleaning, and are generally lovely helpful human beings) and it is so nice for the DC to be in their own home for some years. I also agree with @EppingIsFun that neither of you are being unreasonable - this is just one of the logistical things that needs talking through once DC come along.

Edit to add - for the GPs we aren't with over christmas itself, we tend to try and see them around the time at some point. So eg. some years we've spent Christmas day in our house and travelled to one set of GPs on the 28th for new year. Or we've squeezed in a visit earlier in December and done a "mini christmas" in advance. We've learnt that the 25th day itself actually isn't the important thing now, and it's just about finding time for us to get quality time with both sides at some point.

Travel for your family, host his family on rotation.

Agree with three year rotation or every other year at home then every other year at DM or ILs.

Don’t underestimate how exhausting it’ll be to do Christmas away from home with a baby, and all that travelling to do with mountains of gifts etc.