AIBU to want to alternate Christmases after having our first baby?

[Xmas2026dilemma]

I know it’s only August but we ended up having an argument about this last night, so id like other views.

Mine and DH’s families both live 5 hours away in opposite directions. Normally we alternate each year between going to DM’s and my IL’s. DB and SIL live abroad and also alternate between having DM and SILs parents to stay, and coming home the year we are with DM so we are all together.

This year we’ll have our DD, who will be 10 months for her first Christmas. First grandchild on both sides (and only, unless we have more kids).

DH is adamant that now we have DC, we should stay home every year for Xmas with an open invite to family to visit us. We have space to host dinner but not for everyone to stay, so they will have to stay in a nearby hotel.

He feels that as we have the baby, other people should make the journey, and that he doesn’t want to spend our annual leave traipsing across the country when we should be relaxing.

The challenge is that his parents are difficult characters, and my DM has said she particularly doesn’t like his FIL (not many people do). We are not close but see them once or twice a year including alternate Christmases to keep the peace.

I’m not keen on staying home every year for the following reasons:

• his parents would inevitably come every year, and I like having the break every other year
• The year my DM spends with me would be miserable for her because she’d have to stay alone in a hotel then spend the rest of the time with people she doesn’t like
• It essentially means an end to christmases with my DB and SIL - DD’s aunt and uncle. Understandably SIL wants to see her family at Xmas too (they are not far from my DM) so they wouldn’t travel here.
• When at DM’s I normally see all my aunts, uncles, cousins (who have young children too) on Boxing Day. I would miss this and also don’t want my DD to miss out on that, especially as she will have no cousins of her own.

I had no idea DH would feel this strongly. My preference would be to have one year at home with IL’s visiting us, the next year going to DM’s and seeing my wider family as usual.

YABU - DH is right, now you have DC you need to cut down the travel and start creating your own Xmas at home

YANBU - it’s ok to still want to do Christmas at your DM’s, even if it means a long journey. You should alternate as a compromise.

Now you are a mother your DH has repositioned you in his mind as general family facilitator. This is something a lot of men do, watch out for signs of it in other places. Once you were an individual with your own preferences and personal family bonds - now he sees you as the keeper of his house and hostess to his family and anyone else he decides “open house” accommodates.
he gets to choose sometimes. You get to choose sometimes. Like before. You’re still a person and your personal relationship la still matter.

watch out for him demoting you to mum/housekeeper in other ways too. I don’t mean “mum” is a demotion in my eyes: I mean in his eyes it’s a service role.

Agree with others that in the early years, travelling at Christmas is not an issue. It does get harder later. I used to love to go to my parents’ house as it gave me a bit more of a break than staying home.
However - Hosting Christmas can be utterly exhausting- so think hard about how much your husband will actually help so that you don’t just spend Christmas Day in the kitchen…..
I think that either a three year rotation or taking turns on who chooses what you do is very fair. It is not fair that DH insists all Christmases are now at home if this is not what you want.

That sounds the most sensible idea.

Yeah either have the ILs every other year and the other Christmas go to your mum's. Or do it every 3 years. If you have a Christmas at home though make it clear it's just the 3 of you (otherwise he'll invite his parents and you don't want his dad there really).
I think it's fairest if you go with three year rotation I'd personally have the third year as the three of you at home because by that stage your child will want to stay home and play with her new toys.

don't set a strict rotation because the op’s family from overseas will be over some years and not others - currently it’s implied a 2 year rotation but that might flex eg if something happens with SIL’s abroad family - keep it open that you can dovetail with them without getting “but it’s the wrong year”.
dont commit to anything for ever on behalf of your young child who can’t express a preference yet. And whose preferences will change even if they could

While agree it's easier to set rules when you're the one with a young baby, I don't know if deciding now what you want to do for years to come is necessary, especially if it's hard negotiating how that looks.

Who's turn is it this year? Could you compromise by staying home this year while the baby is so young, then re-discussing travel next year? He may be more willing to travel when things seem easier with a slightly older child

I'll go against the grain and say I think the 3 year idea isn't a solution at all - basically means you'll have 2/3 years with his family (as sounds like your mum wouldn't come) and messes up the pattern with your DB if they come back every other year. I think the compromise is staying home one year for his family and going away to yours the next.

I'd also add that the faff of travelling for Christmas is nothing compared to the faff of hosting!! It may not be as relaxing as he imagines...

We do santa. We have also had many different Christmases - some at home, some at my parents/DH's parents/abroad/in huge holiday houses with entire extended families. Santa still visits! He leaves stockings on the ends of the kids ' beds wherever we are and they bring them into our room and we open our stockings just the 4 of us (DH and I do stockings for each other)

And sometimes being hosted by others is particularly lovely at Christmas as you can focus on having fun with the kids on Christmas day rather than having the hosting duties of worrying about dinner and ensuring everyone has enough to drink etc.

Hosting can only be done with boundaries. “Open house” is giving me the willies. DH is fondly imagining himself sitting in an armchair with a drink at his elbow for 12 hours surrounded by loving family- who also get to stay over with open ended leave dates - while food and drink keeps coming, presents get opened, wrapping paper gets cleared away, meals get served etc etc. who is making all this happen?

This is spot on.

I’d say my giving birth to our child does not in any way make you the boss. You can decide what we do for alternate christmases and I will decide for alternate christmasses. Currently my plan for my years is we will go to my family as we have in the past. I’m looking forward to it very much, to bonding with my mum now I have my own child too and to our child spending time with bil and sil. Could you please remember for any future discussions that you are not the boss and you need to treat me like a person who matters?

And add you will be pulling your weight hosting if we have your family to ours, I won’t be looking after a toddler and pulling together a Christmas dinner while you work and hang out with your family. So if you want to host you need to be prepared to plan, shop, clean, prep and cook veg and roast, and do lots of dishes.

I think that once you start a family of your own, you should start your own traditions. You could have Christmas at home, with family visiting Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

You need to lay down some rules. One year with his family and one year with yours. Or even every 3 years with one year just the three of you. They don't need to all come together.

Why don’t you suggest carrying on as normal for the first year and see if it actually still works? I don’t think you need to be setting lifelong patterns at this stage. It builds expectations. Take each year as it comes.

I think the problem with your DH’s approach is that there is no compromise in it and it’s from very one sided point of view: we have baby - we won’t travel.
I think you need to sit and look at all details with him and why does he feel so strongly. It might be that he doesn’t enjoy going to your side of the family because he doesn’t enjoy seeing all aunties and cousins etc. I don’t think he thought about burden of hosting, about practicalities of traveling at old age for parents, staying in a hotel at Christmas, the reality of seeing his dad every year in the more complicated circumstances.
I would also see how your baby is with traveling. Some babies are perfect and toddlers are much worse but some are not good at baby’s stage either. Also your child might love seeing extended family.
So I would plan for the first year and then rethink again but I would definitely sit him to talk about practical details - they usually make or break family gatherings.

Don’t try to set anything in stone now, circumstances change. This year your DD is too young to care so a good chance to travel. In a few years it will be easier to do Christmas at home where she will have her toys/presents/routine.

My advice is that you do what suits you, your child and husband.
I would not agree to an open house with both sets of parents in your house probably from Christmas Eve until they decide to leave.

You will be left to do all the preparation of the house cleaning and decorating. You be left to buy the food and drink, do all the cooking and tidying up and being like a servant for the whole time they are there. Then if your fil is there he will probably want everything his way and will be annoying everyone.

I think that one year at home and then visit your parents one year and then his parents the following year is the best. You don't commit to say 2026 at home, pil in 2027 and your parents in 2028 because you don't know what will happen in the next few years with your family or the others. You don't want to be heavily pregnant and have a long journey. Say either sets of parents have not been well and are no longer able to cater for a crowd you don't want them under pressure to host.

Sorry I am team DH here.

When we married we tried to avoid getting in to a pattern, sometimes with parents, sometimes at home. However after DD was born we decided Christmas would be at home and anyone who wanted to visit was welcome.

Yes they are fairly portable for the first Christmas, but once they get a bit older it will be a terrible faff transporting them and all the Christmas presents ( without them seeing them because FC brings them of course). Just not much fun.

Time to start a new Christmas tradition of being at home and hosting. You say you don't have space for everyone to stay but do you have at least one spare room? Could you use the fact that your DM is alone to make that an argument for her staying with you rather than in a hotel and then the PILs stay elsewhere so you get some respite from tiresome FIL.

ETA also I strongly agree with your DHs point about spending your annual leave trekking about the country for hours instead of relaxing. Sounds like he was already getting fed up of it TBH and maybe the baby is the catalyst for changing this finally

You have to do what works for your family.

DS was born on Xmas Day. On his fkrst birthday, IL's came to us (MIL didn't host, can't cook), on his 2nd we went to my mother's. They whipped up the excitement so much that he eventually went to sleep at 5am on Boxing Day. Never, ever again. I decided small children needed their own beds and own routine on Christmas Day.

There was an open invitation and IL's came to us (for a week thereafyer for the next 22 years, then MIL when FIL died). Mother and step didn't travel so we went to them at NY thereafter, until DS was about 17 and wanted to party with his friends.

It worked but I made a rod for my own back and we didn't have Christmas on our own until 2009. Then MIL until Covid.

Looking back over a lifetime of Christmases, I'd go with the flow and make the best of it. MIL and mother are now 90 and too frail to travel. We can't expect them to soend Xmas alone so DH goes 4.5 hours in one direction and go 2 in the other. It's shit, and every Christmas might now be their last, so in my view make the ones when they are fit and well happy and compromise if necessary.

Our DC are grown up, one married with a daughter and one soon to be married. They can do what they like at Christmas and DH and I will be happy on our own - fantasising about it and spending Christmas Day in bed with a side of smoked salmon and champagne.

You could do a 3 way rotation or alternate between going to your side and then his side coming to yours. But I'd also make sure he's the one doing the cooking and cleaning to host if he's the one that would rather host.

An open invitation is ridiculous. Stay at home is my preference but rotate who you invite.

YANBU

I would make it clear you will not be hosting his parents every Christmas, end of.
And that there will be Christmas times you want to go see your mom.

Not unreasonable at all

Why not stay at home but specifically ask whichever side of the family you would normally have visited? So keep the alternate years, but just in a different place.

The family who is not there for the first Christmas could be videoed and so included in that way.

I am a lone voice here (and slightly off topic) but we never have Christmas at home. The only year we did was Covid! We always go to GPs. It is part of what makes it fun for my DC (they are late teens now so it’s not like they will change their minds as they get older).

They like the travel - it’s part of Christmas for them. We did suggest Christmas at home a few years ago but they said that would make it just like a Sunday and not special enough.
Lots of that is to do with family - they get to spend time with people we don’t always see otherwise and who wouldn’t necessarily come to ours.
Although we stay with GPs we all pitch in with different bits of cooking etc so we all spend equal time organising and relaxing.

Father Christmas still came (ok, comes) but they got to share that with GPs too. No big deal that we weren’t at home in their own bed. They couldn’t have cared less!

Its also what I did as a kid - go and stay with family. And I loved it too. It just made it extra special, not being at home.

Loads of people have mentioned wanting to be at home once DC are bigger and I just wanted to say that this might not be true.