AIBU to want to alternate Christmases after having our first baby?

[Xmas2026dilemma]

I know it’s only August but we ended up having an argument about this last night, so id like other views.

Mine and DH’s families both live 5 hours away in opposite directions. Normally we alternate each year between going to DM’s and my IL’s. DB and SIL live abroad and also alternate between having DM and SILs parents to stay, and coming home the year we are with DM so we are all together.

This year we’ll have our DD, who will be 10 months for her first Christmas. First grandchild on both sides (and only, unless we have more kids).

DH is adamant that now we have DC, we should stay home every year for Xmas with an open invite to family to visit us. We have space to host dinner but not for everyone to stay, so they will have to stay in a nearby hotel.

He feels that as we have the baby, other people should make the journey, and that he doesn’t want to spend our annual leave traipsing across the country when we should be relaxing.

The challenge is that his parents are difficult characters, and my DM has said she particularly doesn’t like his FIL (not many people do). We are not close but see them once or twice a year including alternate Christmases to keep the peace.

I’m not keen on staying home every year for the following reasons:

• his parents would inevitably come every year, and I like having the break every other year
• The year my DM spends with me would be miserable for her because she’d have to stay alone in a hotel then spend the rest of the time with people she doesn’t like
• It essentially means an end to christmases with my DB and SIL - DD’s aunt and uncle. Understandably SIL wants to see her family at Xmas too (they are not far from my DM) so they wouldn’t travel here.
• When at DM’s I normally see all my aunts, uncles, cousins (who have young children too) on Boxing Day. I would miss this and also don’t want my DD to miss out on that, especially as she will have no cousins of her own.

I had no idea DH would feel this strongly. My preference would be to have one year at home with IL’s visiting us, the next year going to DM’s and seeing my wider family as usual.

YABU - DH is right, now you have DC you need to cut down the travel and start creating your own Xmas at home

YANBU - it’s ok to still want to do Christmas at your DM’s, even if it means a long journey. You should alternate as a compromise.

It’s often a tricky one. When we had the DCs we did the alternate Christmases with both sides coming to us. We did this for a few years before looking for alternatives as DP identified that it’s not actually that relaxing being at your home and hosting every Christmas.
the two year or 3 year rotation is the best idea I think for your family at the moment.
As time has passed (and Covid) we’ve done Christmas on holiday, Christmas just us, Christmas hiring a venue for one side of the family to all meet and Christmas at other family members houses. Just be prepared that things will change in the future- and that’s fine too.

I think alternating between going to your mum and hosting your in-laws sounds great - equitable in terms of which side you are with, and most practical arrangement for hosting for each side of the family.

We suggested a three year rotation, with one year to ourselves, which can also work quite well, but if other parts of the family are doing two years then that might mean you don't see them as easily.

The other thing to bear in mind is that different things work well at different ages. At 10 months, your child is unlikely to be doing more than crawling, and will probably be relatively easy in a strange house, so being away is quite straightforward. At 22months, they might be much easier at home, and toddler presents are also often larger, so it may work best to be at home (and if gps are buying something large, they can get it delivered to your house and still see it unwrapped).
(Of course whether this helps depends on whose turn it is this year.)

My preference would be to have one year at home with IL’s visiting us, the next year going to DM’s and seeing my wider family as usual.

This sounds sensible - tell your DH you do not want to see his parents every year thats not fair on you or your mum

Just a thought. It isn't the law that anyone has only to see wider family at Christmas itself. It can be done in the weeks before and after, which takes out some of the strain

Thanks all for your responses and ideas!

DH’s actual preference is to have every Xmas just us and DD, and to never see family over the festive period at all - but he knows that probably wouldn’t go down too well with anyone!

A 3 year rotation could work. One year at home just us, one year with PIL’s (ideally them coming to us), then one travelling to DM’s and my extended family. DB and SIL and her family are pretty relaxed, so they would probably just try make sure they come home on the years we are also at DM’s, although that does depend on their flexibility.

I might also suggest to DH that on the years we are at DM’s, we could get a cottage for a week rather than staying at hers (my hometown is in a very picturesque part of the country). We would still have the effort of travelling but it would feel more like a holiday, rather than ‘travelling to see family for Xmas ’ which probably feels more hectic and pressured.

PP’s who suggested not getting locked into a set pattern - very fair point, it came about because we were discussing what to do this year (which we are agreed on) and then it transpired that we’d made very different assumptions about future years. But I agree staying flexible and doing something different each year, as long as it’s fair to both sides of family, might be the good way forward.

Three year rotation.

How about pre Christmas visits with both families and then Christmas day at home, if you can make this work logistically

I think it's nicer for kids to have Christmas in their own house.

Could rotate who you INVITE.

Stay home and invite alternate families at xmas and new year?

Urgh. This is why i hate Christmas

thanks for raising this bloody subject in August

Is your DH seeing this as a way to get out of Xmas with his parents?

We alternate - in my year we always spend it with my family who are very close and cousins close in age and we have a big magical Christmas (well until they became teenagers…) then on DHs year we normally stay at home and may have a relative of his visit. One year we went skiing.

i find the idea that because you have a baby you must spend every Christmas at your own house odd tbh

eta you won’t have that many Christmas’s with a young child so things will naturally change anyway

This is just not going to be fun at all with children. Honestly I would stay home every single year with my nuclear family.

I'm guessing since DH wants to stay home and have all the family with you then he is hosting and doing all the cooking and cleaning???

Certainly for the first few years it’s not such a big deal to go to family for Christmas. As the dc get older you adapt to the situation. They might love stockings in their room at Gramps’ but on the living room chimney breast at Nana’s, for example. Or you might hate having to transport all the presents around as the number and size increase.

Nothing is fixed in stone when you have family.

I would do a couple more alternating years as once baby gets a bit bigger and gets interested in toys they will want to stay home to play with their new presents.

This - worked well for us

We’ve had this exact conversation when our DD was born 4 years ago. Ultimately we have switched to alternative years still but with us hosting. I couldn’t cope with my in laws here at the same time as my whole family.

I would do that and then make some effort to see your DB and SIL outside of the holidays. And make sure to have your DM round on the year that DB isn’t visiting.

I wouldn’t get into hosting Christmas at your house. Enjoy going to others when the baby is young. Maybe once she’s older and it’s harder to move all the presents etc then that would be a more natural end to the travel. In my experience the grandparents tend to get older and don’t want to host anymore anyway. Good luck negotiating!

We do this - one year with my side and one with his and one by ourselves (often with friends) but not any family from either side that year to keep it even.

i am a little on your DH’s side in principle. As a child we were always dragged around to others peoples houses on Christmas Day so opened presents then left them for 6+hours while we spent time with cousins who had all their presents to play with. We were all local though so it is different so I can see your point. Could you compromise and travel to see family at new year instead?

6hrs between our families (we live near mine) and we alternate yearly kids are now teens and there have been 2 years COVID and when an in law was very poorly when we didn't otherwise we always do and then spend new year or Easter with the other side. I actually think it works very well as lots of our friends where family are nearer are run ragged driving between the 2 and we never are!

What does your own Mum do the year you go to in-laws ? Is she alone?
If we spent Christmas with one family we travelled to the other on day after boxing day but that sounds like too much for you all. The children did absolutely love spending time with their cousins and extended family.
We stayed home for the main day once kids started school at around 5 and have been at home ever since. Starting to change now as my dc are getting married and having to factor in their in-laws some of whom are abroad. Just take it year by year.

This was what I waned as a child. Stay home with the new toys. As a compromise in the afternoon about 4 ish we decamped to my aunty who lived quite near. She had a tree wth more presents or us. Family were there and it was a lovely time. There were years we went to my grandparents. I had a very young uncle and his friends, my gran was a great cook and my grandad could play the harmonica and dance. Loved all the Christmases when we were children. Make sure you enjoy yours.

But then she’d only see her brother and sister in law every 6 years?