AIBU to want to alternate Christmases after having our first baby?

[Xmas2026dilemma]

I know it’s only August but we ended up having an argument about this last night, so id like other views.

Mine and DH’s families both live 5 hours away in opposite directions. Normally we alternate each year between going to DM’s and my IL’s. DB and SIL live abroad and also alternate between having DM and SILs parents to stay, and coming home the year we are with DM so we are all together.

This year we’ll have our DD, who will be 10 months for her first Christmas. First grandchild on both sides (and only, unless we have more kids).

DH is adamant that now we have DC, we should stay home every year for Xmas with an open invite to family to visit us. We have space to host dinner but not for everyone to stay, so they will have to stay in a nearby hotel.

He feels that as we have the baby, other people should make the journey, and that he doesn’t want to spend our annual leave traipsing across the country when we should be relaxing.

The challenge is that his parents are difficult characters, and my DM has said she particularly doesn’t like his FIL (not many people do). We are not close but see them once or twice a year including alternate Christmases to keep the peace.

I’m not keen on staying home every year for the following reasons:

• his parents would inevitably come every year, and I like having the break every other year
• The year my DM spends with me would be miserable for her because she’d have to stay alone in a hotel then spend the rest of the time with people she doesn’t like
• It essentially means an end to christmases with my DB and SIL - DD’s aunt and uncle. Understandably SIL wants to see her family at Xmas too (they are not far from my DM) so they wouldn’t travel here.
• When at DM’s I normally see all my aunts, uncles, cousins (who have young children too) on Boxing Day. I would miss this and also don’t want my DD to miss out on that, especially as she will have no cousins of her own.

I had no idea DH would feel this strongly. My preference would be to have one year at home with IL’s visiting us, the next year going to DM’s and seeing my wider family as usual.

YABU - DH is right, now you have DC you need to cut down the travel and start creating your own Xmas at home

YANBU - it’s ok to still want to do Christmas at your DM’s, even if it means a long journey. You should alternate as a compromise.

Could you do it as a 3 year rotation? One year at each family and one at home (with or without the open invite side!)

Neither of you is unreasonable, you just want different things. Have you sat down and explained to him just why it is so important to you to still visit your parents I.e. seeing all your extended family?

Can you stay at home when it’s the IL’s turns? So they travel to you every other year and you travel to your mum’s every other year?

We alternate the choice of what to do between the two of us, rather than specifying what we actually do.

So in ‘my year’ I could choose between seeing my family, staying home as a nuclear family (with zero invites to anyone), or something else. And on DP’s year he usually wants us to travel to see his family. Seems fair to me!

I agree with Sirzy. 3 year rotation.
you might also find that as your child gets older, travelling around for Christmas isn’t that fun and you’ll want to do your own thing at home where she’ll have her presents to play with and enjoy less hassle

If you read the OP’s post she actually says this is what she wants…

We see my parents and sibling one year and ILs the other year but whether we host or visit changes depending on lots of things so it’s not decided till about October.

Compromise? Stay home when inlaws turn and go to your mums her turn

I used ti take extra leave and travel to my parent early then husband would join Christmas eve then we would all travel home togther.

Also perhaps you could agree to travel now until dc is 4 when they start to know what Christmas is about

I definitely think whatever the compromise is, you shouldnt be hosting your in laws every year at the expense of your mum (and indeed your chance to see DB).

The obvious compromise is the one you suggested.

The next would be alternating families at home and accepting you dont see db which is a bit of a shame for you all.

I like the idea of the 3 year rotation as PP said, keeps everyone equally happy then.

I think you suggest you stick to the alternate arrangement. On your year you go visit your mum and on his year then his parents come to you.

Personally though I am with your husband, if you do go down the Santa route I think it's easier to have your own traditions at home.

I would do a 3 yearly rotation. That way you get a Christmas with the IL one year Christmas with your family the next, then just your family the year after.

It's tricky as you have to travel.

Is there a way you could see extended family before or after Christmas? Say 27th -30th or 21st ish - 24th. That way you can still see your extended family.

Babies are reasonably portable but toddlers and children are less so. As your family ages I think you will find it easier to be at home so I would suggest NOT getting roped in to a set pattern for more than a year or two.
Your DH shouldn’t just impose his will of course ! It can be very tiring to host lots of family so having some boundaries around who come when is essential . ‘Open house’ would be a big much for me
That said, people get a bit ‘starry eyed’ about Christmas when actually it’s a bloody hard work and a bit of nightmare of personalities mixing. So I also think it’s wise to have reasonably low expectations and enjoy other times of year just as much. Fortunately your kids will hopefully become a lovely focus for everyone to enjoy.

Surely there’s an easy meet in the middle? Instead of alternating visiting parents every year or staying at home every year you do every third year for each?

We spent years and years travelling on Xmas day or in the lead up with small children in tow. Families lived miles away. Only this year with teens have we finally said no. I regret dragging the kids around on planes and long car journeys when they should have been having a special day. Half an hour to local rellies, fine. But if I had my time again, I’d do it like your husband wants.

but you don’t, so you’ll need to compromise. I like a pp idea of each having a year to ‘choose’ venue, which will result in travelling every other year.

I read it - I also missed that comment. Is it it such a big deal…

It'll be easier to set rules now.

When the baby is a bit older and gets toys for Christmas, they will want to stay at home.

We used to get up, quickly open all the presents and then get bundled into the car to spend the day with relatives. Christmas day was boring sitting around in someone else's house when I really desperately wanted to be at home playing with my new toys!

I’d do this.

I think people are focusing on the travelling with kids and not on the fact that dh wants to host his horrible dad every year basically.

Whatever you guys decide on. Dont do that!

We stopped travelling entirely and have no regrets (family 4 hours in different directions). Prior to this though we did the 3 year rotation with a year at home. I think that sounds like the best solution.

Who would be doing the cooking and hosting if people were at yours ?

I don't blame him we used to travel everywhere at christmas and it made the whole thing an ordeal about getting from one place to the next, but you need a compromise if you still want to travel.

Why on earth do you have to choose all future Xmas plans now?
Id simply pick whatever plan you want this year (IMO that would be Xmas as just you three with a few zoom calls but you do you!) and then go from there. Absolutely do not commit to being the annual host-house forever.

You need to reach a compromise, and what you have suggested in your post is the perfect compromise. DH gets to stay home and see his family one year, you get to travel and see yours the next.

We're in a similar situation to you in that both sides of the family are a long way away and we always travelled to see them until COVID when tbh it was a relief to not go have to travel.

However I don't regret those early years at all. The DC were spoiled rotten by the family and they loved staying with them at Christmas.

Your solution already has every other year at yours, so it really is the perfect solution.

Your DH really needs to learn that healthy parenting and relationships are about willingness to work together and find a compromise. It's not fair of him to impose the solution that works for him on everyone else every year.

Also don't underestimate how important it is for building relationships that your DC get to spend time with your wider family, Christmas is a great opportunity to do so.

I put yabu, I had to go to one of my Nan's houses as a kid and hated it, all I wanted to do was stay in my pyjamas and play with my new toys, I really didn't want to go out.
My other Nan was fine with us visiting on a different day but my Dad's Mum was always insistent that we had to see her on the 25th.

My Mum has said many times since that she also hated going out and only did it to keep the peace and I really wish she'd put us first.

You might find that once your baby is here that you want to make your own traditions, especially once they believe in Father Christmas and want to sleep in their own beds and get up in the morning to see if he's been.
It's such a short few years when they believe.

Christmas is more than just one day but for kids it's the 25th that's the most magical so maybe have that day at home then do your visiting on other days.

Your DH thinks you hosting Christmas and both your families who don’t get along, staying with you will be relaxing?!! No way I’d want to do that, especially with a baby. I’d remind him of that and push for keeping the arrangement as it is.