AIBU to be upset my husband walked home instead of hurrying back?

[TigerJoy]

My mum is in hospital very ill, could possibly die in the next few days.

Husband works away. He has had a rough few days at work and got the train home - i knew he was going to be late and was having an annoying journey on the train but I got really upset when I realised he only got home at 12am because he WALKED the 45 minutes from the station. We are trying to save money but he knows I normally go to sleep by then.

He is only home until Friday lunchtime then he is off for nearly another week.

We wouldn't have had very long to talk but we could have had a good 30 mins before bed. Instead I was upset that he prioritised his de-stress over talking to me. He is angry that I wasn't very nice to him when he got in. Instead of a nice chat we had a row and now I can't sleep (and really need it).

I am feeling intensely anxious and sad about my mum. We have barely managed to talk about it as his work has been so busy. I just wanted a hug and instead I've had an angry man telling me repeatedly I'm unreasonable.

Sorry for the essay, and jumbled description- hope it's clear

yabu - let the poor man walk
Yanbu - he should have got home ASAP as it's a stressful time for you

If he wants to walk he is a grown adult

I’m really sorry to hear about your mum. Hope you’re doing ok.

Unless he deliberately walked extremely slowly or something, then you’re being unreasonable. Realistically, how much time would you both have gained if he ran? A few minutes? If my partner’s mum was ill in hospital and I had a rough few days at work, I wouldn’t be able to run, my anxiety would be so through the roof that I wouldn’t be able to, I wouldn’t have the energy. I think you’re overthinking this, and understandably as you must be very stressed 💐

I'm so sorry about your mum. But I think you're being unfair on him. What was the alternative to walking? A taxi? Maybe he felt if he wasted money on that you would be upset and feels he can't win. But it's a very hard time for you so hopefully in the morning you can reconnect.

she’s not expecting him to run home? She means get a cab surely?

o/p I think you’re a little unreasonable. He’d have got home at 11.15, that’s still late?

I’d have tucked up in bed rather than wait up. Quick cuddle if you’re awake when he gets in, leave the “talking” until the morning when you’ve had some sleep and he’s decompressed a bit.

Oh haha I took it literally 🤣 also because of mentioning they’re saving money so I thought a taxi was out of the question, so “run”
meant literally to run 🤣🙈🫣🥲

I’m going to bed 🤣🥲🫣

It sounds like the main issue here is that you need your husband to be more emotionally available during a hard time.

I think you need to explain it to him from that angle. Instead of anger, let him know that you were hurt that he didn’t realise you would need to talk. Ask him if he can try to make sure he finds time to check in with you every day given what’s going on, because his support is really important to you and part of what helps you cope at this time.

I'm very sorry to hear about your mum. I've been through this earlier this year too and it is horrible. Very stressful. My DH had also died just three months before my mum, so it was a huge double whammy of stress.

However, you are being unreasonable. I'm afraid I don't really see the issue with your DH walking home from the station and wouldn't have found it worth arguing over. Him walking isn't him disrespecting you at all and it saved getting a cab. He probably would still have been OK for a chat when he got in if you had left it. Half an hour isn't really going to change anything is it, lets be honest.

It's a stressful situation all round for both of you. Take some deep breaths, apologise for erupting and let things calm down. You both need your rest now.

So sorry you're going through something awful 😞

Had you told him you wanted him home asap for a hug? It sounds like he didn't really think (he is a man after all!) and has got upset with being called out on it when he didn't meet your expectations.

This would totally be something I'd kick off about when under stress, but usually would see I had been unreasonable once the dust has settled. Unless he has form for letting you down in times of need...

If he's had a crap few days, plus only a very short turnaround until he returns, maybe he needed that time to decompress. I've been in your position, so I know exactly what it's like and grief/panic/fear did not make me very reasonable for very understandable reasons. However, if you were waiting for him to park all his stress so you could give him yours, with the benefit of perspective, I can see why he would take his time. From your perspective, I can see why you think he was BU, but I don't think he is.
I hope you both sleep well and can have a calm chat in the morning.

Sounds like you've both had a rough week and have different needs that are clashing. He needed to decompress alone, you needed support from him. I think it was unfair to start an argument, that's not made anything better.

It sounds like it might continue to be hard for you both for a while yet so I'd have a chat about what you both need and how to compromise. Maybe he gets a taxi back but you only cuddle and don't talk too much when he gets back. Maybe he gets an hour Saturday morning to decompress alone but you have a nice lunch together (at home if money is tight). But you need to both be honest about your struggles and needs and support each other.

Firstly I’m so so sorry to hear about your mum. What is it that your saving for is it something really important that you need every spare penny for or could you have spared the money for him to get a taxi home? If you could have spared the money for him to get a taxi home YANBU but if you really couldn’t spare the money for a taxi then I can understand why he chose to walk home.

To answer some questions

We can spare the money for this taxi - not every time. I should have communicated but I thought he knew how bad things were for me. Assumptions make an ass of you and me, I know.

He would have been home in 10 mins so gained 30 mins

I didn't mean to start an argument and obviously didn't want one. In fact when he came in I was quiet but gave him a hug and said let's talk in the morning and went to bed. But he could see i was upset and kept questioning / needling me until i told him why and he got really angry and then I did. Or I got angry then he did. But i certainly did try to park it. He was massively disappointed by my response to him getting home and kept on at me to explain why.

I can see consensus is I'm in the wrong, so fair enough. I am still awake at nearly 3am because of this so have royally shot myself in the foot. I have to be in the hospital for most of the day tomorrow.

It's hard to reconnect when he's been away especially when he has had no time for me. I do appreciate he is the main breadwinner and has to work. But I am feeling very lonely in a difficult time. I guess I'm a bit cross that it feels like he doesn't understand how bad I am feeling and it doesn't rank as particularly important for him. I honestly am feeling so panicky it feels like I can't breathe.

Thank you to everyone who posted.

I'll go back to my breathing exercises and lying still in a dark room with my eyes closed.

The main reason he walks home is because he enjoys it.

No time for leisurely cuddle at the weekend he is off again on Friday for nearly a week.

If my mum dies then he won't come home. He wouldn't get the time off.

I'm sorry about your mum.

It makes complete sense that he would walk home if that's what he needs to de-stress; putting his own oxygen mask on before he can help you with yours.

He may be feeling similarly to you. He's had a rough few days, he's away a lot and knows you're struggling, maybe pressure of being breadwinner. All this means maybe he also feels lonely and like you don't see how he's struggling or how important decompressing is for him.

I'm sorry he won't be able to come back if your mum dies. That's a hard thing to know you'll have to go through alone. Are you able to facetime while he's away? I know it's not a hug but wondering what you can do to stay connected whilst he's away because maybe that's an issue too.

Hi OP I clicked YANBU because you’re in a very sad stressful situation - your mum
is extremely poorly and may die. You needed support and you were waiting for him. Of course your going to need support from your DH

It’s probably been made worse because you’ve not had chance through the week to properly talk about it. Your needs were not met then - he or you should have at least secured 30 mins so you could talk to him
about it rather than you holding it all in.

For me - this is where the issue has started - you not feeling fully supported through the week. He’s not a mind reader but an adult should know that when your wife’s mother may pass away she’s going to need to feel supported - even if he is stressed.

He may not have known you were waiting to talk to him when he got back, he may have been stressed through work and needed to walk it off, he may have not wanted to rush home and discuss it with you because he couldn’t handle supporting you - either way he only had capacity to centre himself at that moment in time.

I’d be hurt about that too.

People can act odd when emotional support is required.

Have you got friends you can talk to today?

Thanks @Anotherrollpleasesally

Yes I am hurt and probably acting odd. Despite everyone making excellent points about DH walking home I still feel cross about it! I am sure i am focusing on the wrong thing and probably a lot of anger is getting focused on the wrong thing and person. Although not sure who it is reasonable to feel cross with when you are raging against the dying of the light! Probably not your husband.

I do have friends, with busy lives and children. I'll probably see if anyone can get together with me at the weekend.

OP I didn’t mean you were acting odd - I meant your DH. Sometimes when people need to give someone else emotional support it makes them close down if they are absorbed in their own stress.

So you end up with two people saying ‘but what about me?’

I think on this occasion you should have been centred as his work issues look like an on going issue - and I’m sure you’ve spent a lot of time supporting him through that.

He knows you need support so I wouldnt try and hash it out today. What’s done is done. I’d really focus on centering yourself, don’t give him any energy that you can’t afford, reach out to your friends and be really gentle with yourself x

So if your mum dies he doesn’t get compassionate leave? Bullshit. I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t take the time to be with their wife and the company couldn’t do anything about it, in Australian law that’s 2 days leave with the option to request more, also they companies I know would be supportive in all normal cases! I know plenty of senior people, they just aren’t callous jerks.

Some posters on Mumsnet have such low standards for men it's worrying. My heart bloody sank when I read the first I'm sorry that your mum is dying but...
He should have got home as soon as possible. He isn't going to be there through much of this, he should want to be there while he can and even if he doesn't, he should be emotionally intelligent enough to realise that you, his wife, needs him there as her Mother is dying 💐

I hope he apologises to you @TigerJoy and if not do not waste time or energy worrying about him. Focus on you and your Mum.

Ok you say you’re saving money so walking could make sense. Maybe he wanted to walk to clear his head a bit. Maybe it would have taken ages to get a taxi or he thought it might so just got on with it. He hasn’t done anything wrong here

Does he get bereavement leave? Most companies give days for this if it’s a MIL.

Also Force Majeure leave to support you.

If he does not come home when your mother dies, which I suspect you are feeling is what he will do, then you have a big problem. He is likely entitled to time off and even if he is not, he should come home.

For you and also for your mother??

You’re assuming he works a ‘normal’ job for a conventional company. You don’t know. He could be a professional sportsman or something.

OP I’m sorry to hear about your mum. Some good advice about putting yourself first and calmly explaining why. Just let him know you need his support and emotional presence.

Sorry to hear about your mum but don’t take it out on your husband - he hasn’t done anything wrong and you are indeed being unreasonable.