AIBU to be upset my husband walked home instead of hurrying back?

[TigerJoy]

My mum is in hospital very ill, could possibly die in the next few days.

Husband works away. He has had a rough few days at work and got the train home - i knew he was going to be late and was having an annoying journey on the train but I got really upset when I realised he only got home at 12am because he WALKED the 45 minutes from the station. We are trying to save money but he knows I normally go to sleep by then.

He is only home until Friday lunchtime then he is off for nearly another week.

We wouldn't have had very long to talk but we could have had a good 30 mins before bed. Instead I was upset that he prioritised his de-stress over talking to me. He is angry that I wasn't very nice to him when he got in. Instead of a nice chat we had a row and now I can't sleep (and really need it).

I am feeling intensely anxious and sad about my mum. We have barely managed to talk about it as his work has been so busy. I just wanted a hug and instead I've had an angry man telling me repeatedly I'm unreasonable.

Sorry for the essay, and jumbled description- hope it's clear

yabu - let the poor man walk
Yanbu - he should have got home ASAP as it's a stressful time for you

I'm so sorry, OP.
I absolutely get it. I've been there, in very similar circumstances.
He may well have been stressed, tired & needing to decompress.
But fuck that.
Your Mum is dying. You should absolutely have been the priority here.
All you needed was for him to come home, hold you, and listen. Make you feel safe and loved.
Some men are useless when it comes to emotional support.
Day to day hou can learn to cope with it, but at times like this it's really tough.

I think it sounds like you were both tired and the situation is making you both unhappy. Losing anyone you love is so awful and exhausting and lonely. Let it go. Don’t hold on to how sad him being half an hour late made you, or how particularly bad timing the row was. Rest if you can’t sleep and tomorrow spend some time together. We’re all a bit rubbish sometimes. Give yourselves a chance to be what the other needs.

We'ren't you texting on the way home? I'd have said to DH "Are you going to get a taxi, I could do with a cuddle when you get in?"

He might be busy with work but I work full time and travel and there is no fucking way that I would spend forty five minutes arsing about walking home from the station at midnight if my MIL was seriously ill and dying and DH was upset. I'd be having time off work as I'd be in bits myself. If he's knackered from work and had a bad journey, how would he have the energy to walk anyway?

He sounds emotionally stunted or lacking empathy or he doesn't give a shit about you or your mum.

This.

You're worried and upset and its making you insatiable, I'm afraid. He could have got a taxi, but equally, if you needed a chat, you could have stayed up. You're also being inflexible here.

And picking up a previous point, not all companies do give compassionate leave for in-laws! He could always take some time off as sick leave though.

You're worried and upset and its making you insatiable, I'm afraid. He could have got a taxi, but equally, if you needed a chat, you could have stayed up. You're also being inflexible here.

And picking up a previous point, not all companies do give compassionate leave for in-laws! He could always take some time off as sick leave though.

@TigerJoy Him needling at you is not on. It sounds like he was looking for an argument, which is not what you need right now. 💐

I think him walking home was entirely reasonable in the circumstances. He is allowed to do something he enjoys after a hard week working away and if you are both trying to save a few quid its a no-brainer. If you'd explicitly said "please hurry home, I really need you here" then perhaps that would have been different but he doesn't actually have to set aside his needs and wants for yours at all times.

People also have very different responses to death and illness and its possible that DH doesn't understand the OPs needs around this if she hasn't explicitly stated them. He's not a mind-reader presumably? When my DB was dying I wanted to be left alone with my thoughts and to occupy myself in between hospital visits - i certainly would not have wanted someone rushing home to talk to me. Some people are also very fearful of death and would find the whole situation overwhelming and he might have been avoiding that. Hopefully now that OP has clearly and calmly expressed her needs the DH will be more of the support that she wants (although I still think walking home is acceptable).

Lastly - while I'm not married and don't really understand the concept, frankly - perhaps those that need a higher level of emotional support should look outside of their relationship for some of this? Friends, family, support groups are all possibilities to extend the circle and access the help needed. It sounds like DH has a very busy work schedule and isn't enough on his own for what the OP needs.

I would be upset too. You need him and he knows that. He's being very selfish. I think thus might snap things for me for good. Not just the walk but the whole thing.

I'm so, so sorry about your mum and sorry you haven't slept. I hope you have some other support.

This is just what I think. You will need to do you without influence but it might help to know that others would also be extremely upset: I'd tell your husband what you think of him and then ignore him and seek support elsewhere. You've got bigger emotions to deal with than letting him upset you too; his petty selfishness is nothing compared to that. He doesn't get to dominate that and hes making his choice now. I'd probably verbalise that too. And if he didn't change his behaviour (not putting me first at this time) that would permanently change my view of him.

Supporting a partner through the loss of a parent is part of the job.

I would feel a double loss. My mother is dying and my husband is making no effort to be there for me.

I had a phonecall to say my mother had died. My husband had been about to go the gym. The first thing he said was that he would stay with me.

That is how decent people behave.