AIBU for not caring after friend read private messages and got upset?

[Fluffybuns88]

My friend read private messages between me and their partner and is extremely upset.

I have been friends with both parties for 5 years, I considered myself extremely close with my friend but also friends with their partner, a few months ago my friend was clearly unhappy in their relationship and announced that they were having an affair, it was worded very vaguely so I don't know what level of physical it was and made it clear that I did not want to know because I was friends with both parties, they then backtracked and said it wasn't physical.

My friend works long hours whilst partner looks after the children, I started to notice friend making out that partner was terrible to be around when talking to others, wanting more time with friend, being stressed all the time and asking for more help with the children, not doing enough housework, being grumpy about friend attending so many work events etc, it didn't quite reflect what I was seeing but I don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

During this time I got pregnant and withdrew, I had a really rough and scary time and barely heard from friend, but partner stayed in touch, they separated and things stayed amicable for a while but it got pretty messy, friend is saying they've been kicked out, partner is saying they haven't at all just asked not to sleep in bed together, partner has no idea what to do about finances as everything is in friends name, friend is sleeping at work and threatening 50/50 custody when this isn't feasible due to work.
Meanwhile friend is now with the person they were having an affair with but not telling partner this is the case.

A few weeks ago I was seriously ill and partner rushed me into hospital, I didn't hear anything from friend, not a peep, I nearly died and my friend was silent.

This resulted in me venting over messages with partner as we've both been hurt in different ways by friend, they weren't nice to read so when friend messaged me a string of bizarre justifications I knew they'd read them and they are very hurt.

AIBU that I actually don't care, when explaining that their actions had hurt me I just got more explanations as to why and how terrible friend had it.

This sounds like a school bitchy drama.

Why are you getting involved with someone elses relationship? Seems like unnecessary mess. Just stay in your lane - sounds like you have enough going on anyway!

I voted YABU because you shouldn't be involved

Respond to people by their actions, not their words. Your friend doesn’t behave like a good friend and clearly has very little in the way of morals or integrity.

This is not someone whose feelings you are obliged to care about.

Slightly hard to work out everything because how you have worded it but It sounds like you have retained a friendship with the only one who is worthy of it.

Of course you shouldn't care about 'friends' feelings. They aren't your friend are they?

I would be concerned about how they have read private messages between you two though as that's not ideal.

All that backstory isn’t necessary. This is what you get by ‘venting’ indiscreetly to someone when you know the person you’re being rude about is perfectly likely to have access to their phone because they share a house.

Also, I’d be very wary of trying to equate your situation with the partner’s. What goes on in their relationship is none of your business, and surely you weren’t that surprised your former friend wasn’t in touch after your medical emergency? You say yourself that you ‘withdrew’ when you got pregnant. You’re presumably not close any more. It certainly seems clear you’re intent on painting the former friend in as black a light as possible.

How would your friend know you were in hospital if their ex didn’t tell her - did you?

Are you friends, and if not is your partner friends with them too? What do they think?

Perhaps you should’ve told your friend how upset you were…

Why would you care who she's shagging? Nothing to do with you anyway, do yourself a favour and step away from the drama.

In this scenario I would be rethinking who is your 'friend' here. It's the partner. Your ex-friend sounds like a nasty piece of work.

I don't think you should of messaged her partner, you should of messaged her telling her to do one.

I don't care, friend is hugely focused on my upset being the affair, I've made it very clear that I'm upset that she felt it appropriate to tell me about it and ask to lie to her partner when I am friends with him and expect me to keep quiet whilst going out on days out with her ex and children.
I'm more upset that our conversations since have mostly been her, how much she loves and misses me and how it's been so hard for her not to see me at work but that when I nearly died she couldn't message, yet her ex has been a massive support.

I’m feeling bad for all the children born to the immature adults in this thread.

She knew because she had their children whilst her ex took me in. We were still in contact albeit not as often as before.
My husband is friends with both of them and isn't happy with how shes acted towards me at all.

such drama .

All extremely dramatic!

Future reference OP, don't say anything to a friends partner or even another mutual friend that you wouldn't be prepared to say to their face.

You do seem weirdly involved in other peoples relationships.

Best to stay out of their business.

This is exactly why I'm so pissed off with my friend, why bring this to my door when I'm having a really rough time then be upset that I've vented about it to her ex 10 months later. It's actually ridiculous.

Let go of the drama. Give us poor souls on MN a break.

It was only things that I have said to her face. She's upset that I've also said it to the ex.

Why would friend’s ex-partner show her private messages between the two of you? Seems a bit of shit-stirring going on from ex-partner.

She was looking after their children at the house and went snooping whilst ex partner wasn't there.

When couples split up it’s often only possible to stay mates with one of them.

12yr olds at it again.

From the picture you have painted here she sounds awful and no longer your friend.

While friend is not a verb there are definitely actions associated with what friendship is. They are not happening here.

As I often say here on Mumsnet, that person is not your friend anyway, so just leave them to it.