AIBU for not caring after friend read private messages and got upset?

[Fluffybuns88]

My friend read private messages between me and their partner and is extremely upset.

I have been friends with both parties for 5 years, I considered myself extremely close with my friend but also friends with their partner, a few months ago my friend was clearly unhappy in their relationship and announced that they were having an affair, it was worded very vaguely so I don't know what level of physical it was and made it clear that I did not want to know because I was friends with both parties, they then backtracked and said it wasn't physical.

My friend works long hours whilst partner looks after the children, I started to notice friend making out that partner was terrible to be around when talking to others, wanting more time with friend, being stressed all the time and asking for more help with the children, not doing enough housework, being grumpy about friend attending so many work events etc, it didn't quite reflect what I was seeing but I don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

During this time I got pregnant and withdrew, I had a really rough and scary time and barely heard from friend, but partner stayed in touch, they separated and things stayed amicable for a while but it got pretty messy, friend is saying they've been kicked out, partner is saying they haven't at all just asked not to sleep in bed together, partner has no idea what to do about finances as everything is in friends name, friend is sleeping at work and threatening 50/50 custody when this isn't feasible due to work.
Meanwhile friend is now with the person they were having an affair with but not telling partner this is the case.

A few weeks ago I was seriously ill and partner rushed me into hospital, I didn't hear anything from friend, not a peep, I nearly died and my friend was silent.

This resulted in me venting over messages with partner as we've both been hurt in different ways by friend, they weren't nice to read so when friend messaged me a string of bizarre justifications I knew they'd read them and they are very hurt.

AIBU that I actually don't care, when explaining that their actions had hurt me I just got more explanations as to why and how terrible friend had it.

As you say, you have no idea what's really going on. However you've decided you're team him and you won't be able to run with the hare and the hounds so a rift with her is inevitable. I'd be a bit sceptical that she found your messages by snooping tbh. Who goes out without their phone leaving it available for a hostile ex to go though? I think its far more likely he showed her as part of their battle games. However, that's as maybe.

I got a headache trying to figure out who was what where

So instead of validating the feeling of the person who brought them to you, you instead DARVO and say "oh well im upset because xyz, you hurt me as well"?

Not everything has to be tit for tat. Why could you not listen, accept their hurt was valid, listen and accept any part you played in the situation instead of turning it into a reason why your actions were justified?

This so called friend isn't a proper friend and isn't even a nice person. If they were having problems in their relationship then the mature thing to do is discuss it with your partner or go to counselling, not have an affair. It would have been nice if they'd at least messaged to see how you were when you were ill. I'd say the 'friendship' has run its course. Maybe just maintain a friendship with the partner who has stayed in touch.

Like a Netflix teen drama. I'm out...

I spent months validating, the way it came about was she sent me lots of cryptic messages after an hour of supportive back and forth she told me she'd read the messages, I apologised and acknowledged that they were hurtful, she then asked if I wished her dead. It was absolutely bizarre honestly, the messages weren't even that bad, they were discussing how ex partner was going to cope financially as he is main carer and I was helping him figure it out and how I was pissed off that she'd dragged me into it.

So you were friends with someone, then became friends with her partner, then slagged her off to her partner behind her back and now she’s found out?

I don’t think anyone has behaved well here tbh. You’re not a friend to her and it sounds like she isn’t much of one to you either so just let it go and move on.

Ffs, just stop being friends with her. I could not be arsed with all this drama.

No I was friends with both of them, partner is main carer so spent a lot of family time with him and more time with her at work. Close with both.

Lots of theirs, thems, they've. It's confusing, they have children so are presumably a he and a she.

Yes, she's had the affair and asked me to lie to him.

This sounds the most likely scenario and yes you have no idea what's gone on behind closed doors so stay out of it and don't judge based on what one party tells you, or you could find yourself backing the wrong horse, a narc will always find a way to smear the other's reputation, stay well out of it and keep far away from it.

So long story short, you talked shit about someone, they snooped on someone else's phone and read it, and now you are both pissed off about it.

Neither of you is wrong and neither of you is right.

I agree with this! You are not sounding like a loyal friend, you are siding with and cosying up to her partner who you've now decided is a better friend to you, it's no wonder she has avoided you at times, you haven't been a good friend to her at all.

FFS leave them to it and concentrate on your pregnancy, or child if you've had it by now.

Good grief what a playground drama.

So shes had the affair; you were helping him by discussing potential financial considerations as a result of the affair.

In all honesty id be telling her that due to HER ACTIONS not being in line with my standing, I wouldnt be wanting to discuss anything with her again, I dont agree with affairs, she acted despicable and I was done with her and wished her well in her future life.

Not sure your own stance but I wouldnt carry on with trying to keep both of them on side, you obviously align more with his scenario even though he has probably shafted you by showing her the messages probably as a tada moment in their arguments.

So in answer to your original AIBU for not caring after friend read private messages and got upset? No YANBU.

Jesus sounds like high school dramas and you all have your own kids! Grow up

To answer your question your not being unreasonable not to care. You have enough going on in your own life and really if you don't care you can hardly make yourself care.

Back away from them both and concentrate on finding new friends. You overstepped massively when you interferred in their relationship.

This is what happens when OPs are so try-hard being gender non-specific and then forget themselves anyway later in the story.
I also couldn't work out who was who and what they were doing to whoever they were doing it to.

The opening post was so boring I couldn't read it all.

I would take a step back from both of them. It’s sounds like you have enough drama going on with your own health issue to have the headspace for any more. If you’re not too fussed that your friend is pissed off with you I guess that’s an indication that the friendship doesn’t mean what it once did to you. Some friendships last the distance and others don’t.

This post is so confusing because of the pronouns and use of friend when they are both friends - i cant really decipher what has gone on.

If i am reading it right yabu, slagging off a friend behind their back to anyone but especially their ex partner is a bit shit. If you dont want to be friends anymore fine, but dont pretend to be and then slate them to someone else. Friends say good things behind your back and have the difficult conversations directly to your face, or not at all.

The rest is pretty irrelevant to the crux imo

Hiding the gender has just made this more conifusing. I assume it's becuase you thought that everyone would automatically be on the side of the woman, who, in this scenario is the friend who is having an affair, the breadwinner etc.

I don't think that's true that everyone would assume she's the innocent party. I also think that by hiding the gender you are excluding some basic information such as whether your friend thinks you and her ex partner have something going on that's not jus friendship. It doesn't sound like it and if she does, that's on her, not you, but it's not an unreasonable part of the back story.

Ultimately, you don't approve of your friend's behaviour (understandably) and you don't agree with her comments about her ex and how he behaves at home/with the children (I have no idea on that one) and her ex has been very helpful and supportive of you. So it seems pretty obvious that in this break up, you and your DH are going to stay friendly with him and she's going to have to find some different friends.