AIBU to worry my adult son is not maturing?

[Whattodo200]

On the surface DS 22 has a good life. Just graduated from a top uni starting a good city job in London, will be living at home to save.

But personally he’s not looking after himself or becoming a well rounded adult. He eats junk food (needs a dessert everyday), overweight, tired and has bad cholesterol etc. Basic things like learning to drive etc are taking much longer for him and he still keeps his room in a mess.

As far as I know he’s never dated and despite having a good group of friends I feel he could develop much more.

How do I persuade him to get a bit of a grip, look after himself, go to the gym etc. It makes me worried he’ll have a pile of cash in a few years but not much more to show for himself.

Op I was the same until I moved out, it’s difficult not to be. I think you could have a relaxed conversation about the job and you’re lucky you can save at your age etc etc then … I don’t know … maybe talk to him about helping cooking etc so he can eat healthier- tell him he doesn’t want to be the person that lives on ready meals and misses out on lovely tasty food? (Hopefully someone better at advice comes along!)

ps driving is hard, he’ll get there!

Tricky one. What are his plans to move out? Living with others always broadens horizons. I doubt he'd respond much to your suggestions. Does he have any hobbies?

I really struggled with learning to drive. I was not successful in this until I had children so had to be able to. Not driving isn’t an issue while you’re young and live in a city.
Food I’d chat with him about.
If he has a good circle of friends he’s more likely to meet someone he’s compatible with rather than trying to date someone online. I’d not put any pressure on here.

I don’t think the driving is a top priority but the diet, health and hobbies/socialising are. He needs to get into a healthy diet and exercise routine to address the tiredness. High cholesterol at 22 is problematic. His work will likely offer private health and maybe gym access.

Did he live out for uni?

I think part of him ‘maturing’ is making his own decisions about his own life whether you approve of them or not.

He’s 22. You can’t engineer his life at this stage. His eating habits and social life aren’t for you to decide because he’s a grown man and he’s allowed to live in whatever way he wants. You’re talking about him ‘developing’ and wanting to push him to do activities as if you think he’s still 13. But he’s an adult man with a job and he’s perfectly entitled to make choices you don’t agree with. ‘Maturing’ doesn’t mean ‘being guided by your mum’.

If you wanted to ask him to move out because you don’t want him living that way in your house, of course you’d be reasonable to do that. But his eating habits, friendships and sex life are simply not your business any more because he’s a grown adult man.

Agreed. You sound bossy and hypercritical, OP. Flip and look at what he’s achieved at 22 — good degree, good graduate job, good friendships. He doesn’t need a girlfriend or the ability to drive to be a ‘fully-rounded adult’.

When I was this age there were more guys like this than not. Most of them have grown up and become normal functioning adults.

I totally get your concerns but agree with pps that the issue isn't really a maturity one but a lifestyle one. Trying to persuade him to change is the opposite of allowing him mature, it's controlling him and interfering with his life choices. All you can do is model good values and a good lifestyle. It's ok to give him your views and concerns on his health but do so adult to adult and be careful how you say it as he will see it as you treating him like a kid.

I suspect this is more common these days with more adult kids living at home. In a rented house share you have to learn how to cook and often have less money for unhealthy snack foods. You also learn to take responsibility for your home and have to be mindful of house mates in terms of cleaning. Young people at home get out of the house a lot to get some space and end up getting takeaway etc and it all contributes to an unhealthy situation physically and mentally.

What skills have you and his dad equipped him with to become a well rounded adult? Or have you mollycoddled him all of his life and just expected it to happen by itself? What rules have you got in place for him living with you now as an adult? Things like expectations around room cleanliness? What are the consequences for breaking those rules?

Not wanting an infestation because he’s got mouldy plates in his room is fair enough. But him wanting a pudding every day, not learning to drive, not having a girlfriend/boyfriend doesn’t mean he’s not well rounded. It’s not how you would live your life, but if he’s happy the way he is, then it’s sod all to do with you. It’s not something that you get a say in. Perhaps he doesn’t approve of the way you live your life. Perhaps he thinks you’re overbearing, but he has the manners to keep his opinions to himself. You could learn something here.

My boyfriend at university ate nothing but microwave lasagne for three years. He lived in what, with hindsight, was a hovel. He drank at least four nights every week. He now has a very high up position within a major international organisation, married, two kids, lovely home.

And the best bit, we’ve stayed in touch and deep down, he’s still the lasagne eating bum I met all those years ago when he’s not in professional mode - a funny, laid back, good lad.

What’s wrong with eating a dessert every day? Very strange comment.
Havjgn high comestrol and being overweight isn’t from eating a dessert every day- it will be the myriad of other junk foods he eats, probably when you arnt around!
I don’t think not having a girlfriend / boy friend is really anything to do with you. Some people don’t until later in life and that’s fine!
he’s got a good degree and good job- I would be over the moon with that! Many many 22 year olds have failure to launch at the moment with no job and minimal qualifications. At 22 you can’t really force him down the gym or to meet new friends!

I think you need to back off. You seem to want perfection.

He needs to find his own place

Adolescence lasts until 25, some kids wait until the last minute to grow up.
My now 28yr old son was called Peter Pan at home, didn’t want to grow up. Absolutely fantastic and capable person with a lovely relationship now.

If he's been at a very 'top' university he possibly hasn't really had to look after himself for the last 3 years? And lots of people living in London don't drive or own cars. Was he responsible for his own laundry, cooking some family meals and any household tasks before he went to university and when he was home in the holidays? If you treat him as an adult he's more likely to behave as one.

No but needs to be able to look after himself whilst living in his mothers house.

Well he’s managed to get himself a good degree - and a good City job, which is rare these days! And staying at home to build up savings is a very sensible idea - if you’re happy with this, of course. Many of his contemporaries will be struggling to get their first job and will be getting further into debt as a result.

It’s also great to hear he has a good group of friends.

The driving wouldn’t bother me. It’s not needed for London and it’s not needed for his job.

The only thing to sort out is his health. Why don’t you get him a few PT sessions with an inspiring trainer? It’s very easy to get hooked on exercise once you start.

Congratulations to your son on graduating and securing his first job!

If he’s living at home, can you get him to cook a family meal once a week? Something healthy, even if it’s just spaghetti Bol to start off with.

Something people find subscriptions to Simple cook, Gousto etc or other similar schemes make it easier to cook healthier and somehow make cooking more fun, as you simply follow the recipe and the food is all there. Takes the hassle out of it.

Also, you’re expecting g him to adapt to being at home whilst he’s just been an independent adult for the last few years, asking his own decesions etc. if he’s just graduated, he’s got to get used to being in the big, bad world again, rather than a scruffy student. Give him time to adapt.

Let him be. He will do when he's ready. Deep inside, his confidence is probably quite low. Anything you say will only make him feel lower.

He will get out of it, but it will take a bit longer. Saying that moving out would be a very positive step.

A 22 year old with a good degree, a job and a solid group of friends sounds like a success to me.

However I don’t think he will ever mature fully while he lives at home. Nobody does.

He is living at home, so he is infantilised. Thats the problem with young adults, that they try to be grown ups (or perhaps dont try) but they're still living at home with their parents like children
Society is doing that to them and they're doing that to themselves
He needs to rent a bedsit or a room in a shared house, be independent. He cannot possibly be independent while living at home.

Not sure why its a problem to have desert every day, bit strange.

What @AbsintheMakesTheHeartGrowFonder says. It’s very odd moving to this stage of life. But you do have to kind of butt out. You can do the odd thing like ask him to join you at parkrun or something you’re doing, but you don’t get to set his priorities any more.

Happens to lots of men as they never choose to take care of their health at and after university. The driving is its own thing, it takes time and a differing amount for everyone. I’d have a chat to him about his weight and health though - if it would work and he’s money motivated remind him that people who look sloppy are often passed over for promotion due to internal biases.

Back off and leave him alone.
He's survived a top University, got a good degree and a good job, that's way more than many young people his age!

The other things will sort themselves out with time and really you have no idea if he's been dating - he just hasn't told you about it.

I think gently offer bits of advice around lifestyle if the time is right but don't start nagging him, he's doing well in the important areas of life and the rest will sort itself out given time.

Maybe just be proud of him because he's doing well at his age

He has got a good job after graduating- that’s so rare these days, you should be really proud of him. Stop making or providing desserts then. Let him be but encourage him to find a flat share to move to in say six months, once he has settled into the job. The job itself may change him when he is meeting with others.