AIBU to back granddaughter wanting sole use of holiday flat?

[Ilikesundays]

We own a holiday flat abroad. My granddaughter aged 20 has asked if she can stay there for the whole of September while she does a course locally. Her male cousin, 28, who lives in the same country but in another town, wants to stay the odd weekend there too - there are 3 bedrooms. She feels uncomfortable having him there while she’s there and suggested he might invite friends in (he has done so before). I’m on her side but his mother (my dd) has rung me furiously to protest to say it’s not fair and why can’t they share the flat? I’ve told him no, but I’m now keeping out of it and told my dd they’re old enough to sort it out between them. The grandson is a bit of a bully to be honest as well.
AIBU - should I tell her they should share?
AIBNU - she has the right to single occupancy.

It’s yours, you decide how it is used.

Don’t step back. Step in. Bullies need telling straight.

I assume she isnt paying so sharing is fairer

Depends who “we own” is. You and your husband all good. You and your children jointly a bit more problematic.

However your granddaughter did ask and you gave permission and if it’s your property what you say goes.

who asked first

She has a valid reason, it doesn't sound as if he does. And I wouldn't want his friends in there if I were her.

Your flat, your rules and I think you've done the right thing. You say they can sort it out between them but I'd be wary of your grandson contacting his cousin directly to try and persuade her to let him stay. What would she do then?
Also, is there a chance he might just turn up?

Neither of them has the 'right' to anything. I'd give short shrift to your DD or either grandchild behaving as though they have rights here. It's clear from your account that you think your granddaughter is correct in her concerns about your grandson. You'd already offered the flat to her for September. Your grandson is welcome to suggest another time when he would like to stay. You should not 'stay out of it'. It's your place and your decision. That's final.

Do you let him use the flat at other times?

If he’s never allowed to use it I can see that it might seem a little unfair to him if his cousin can use it and he can’t. But obviously it is your flat to do what you like with.

If he’s allowed to use it at other times, and just not in September because his cousin is there then he needs to get over it.

It’s your flat so I think you need the one to tell him no. If she’s uncomfortable with the thought of him bringing random people, I’d allow her to say no. It’s nothing to do with your dd. Why does she think she’s in charge of who you allow to stay in YOUR flat? Do you think bully boy might turn up anyway even if he’s told no?

Pretty easy to see where he gets his bullying ways from. His mother can rant and rave all she wants, this is the consequences of his behaviour.

Who booked it first?

As you've already told your granddaughter she can have exclusive use of the flat, you can't go back on it now, can you?

Your daughter is bullying you, and her son is going to do the same to his cousin. Just say no, and reiterate that he's welcome to use it outside of September. Your granddaughter is not going to feel safe with her cousin and his friends coming in and out andf potentially being disruptive and disrespectful. He's 28, he can sort his own accommodation if needs be.

It's your flat so its your decision, you don't have to be 'fair', you can do what you want. Presumably her cousin can stay there on weekends other than in September.

It sounds as if your grandson wants access to a party place for him and his mates, but your granddaughter asked first and would like peace and quiet (and not have to deal with the risk of unknown additional men in her living/sleeping space). Don’t make her share. Your DGS can find somewhere else to party.

I'd say they can share but if g
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He invites friends it will be the last time he has use of it.

It’s yours you make the decisions

Your daughter ranting and raving is showing where her son gets his entitled behaviour from, your grandson wants to party and that isn't fair or maybe safe for your granddaughter. Just keep firm. He can use it after September.

Your GD needs it for a course. Your GS wants it for weekends away. She asked and IMO her need for accommodation abroad supersedes his need for a party location. Given too he has form for not respecting limits put on him he needs a firm NO

"We own", who is "we"? Do you co-own it with your DD?

If it's yours and not also your DD's then I'd step in and have granddaughter the sole use of it. If she's uncomfortable with him bringing mates back, let her have it for the month alone.

If your DD also part owns it, that obviously makes it trickier, but I have a feeling this isn't the case.

I don't think it's right for you to step back and let them sort it out themselves if he has bullying tendencies. She's a young woman, who may find it harder to push back against him.

Well, which is it? You told him no, or you said they have to "sort it out between them"? (How would that even work? How do they "sort out" rights over someone else's property, when neither of them has any actual rights here? What would the sorting-out entail? Scariest, nastiest bully with the most aggressive mum wins?).

You've got a grandson who seems to be pretty certain that mere women need to fall into line when he's decided he wants something. You can't stop his mother encouraging him in this belief, but you don't have to and neither does your granddaughter. You've told him no; nothing more to "sort". It's your property. Don't discuss it further.

It’s your home so your decision, I’m with you and your GD- her safety comes first and he has form for inviting random men over.

Sorry, but no you can’t just step back. You’ve given it to your granddaughter for September so you need to tell your grandson that he cannot stay there for September. He lives in the area - he doesn’t need a second location to bring friends. And your granddaughter should not need to be concerned about random men being brought back to the flat.

This really is on you to sort out. And tell your daughter that her behaviour is making it clear where your grandson gets his entitlement from.

if you allow this and force them to share you will lose the relationship with her - you are putting her bullying male cousins wishes ahead of her after shes told you shes not comfortable

It's a three bedroom flat. It seems pretty unreasonable not to let your other grandchild stay too. But you can certainly limit who else he has to stay there, and if he breaks the rules he won't be allowed to use it anymore.

You say he has invited others there before. But presumably that wasn't when his female cousin was using it and said she was uncomfortable with it.

If you think he is really not to be trusted to behave appropriately then you should say no. But in a normal set up it would be odd not to ask them to share.