AIBU to worry this anxious and avoidant person is moving too slowly?

[Rosie8880]

I have been talking to someone for a while, and they send me gifts like make music tracks for me, draw me things/ make artwork, grow food (veg) thinking about me, and we seem to be very compatible interests wise. But. They are they say highly anxious and avoidant. They say they are highly attracted to me. It’s really moving slowly. Like slow. I don’t want to be impatient but also I don’t want to be an idiot. Help a girl out here. Anyw advice?

They are they say highly anxious and avoidant.

What are they doing about this?

Life’s too short

Do you really want a relationship where you basically have to parent the other person?

Are you looking for a partner or a project?

If it's the former then let this one go (not that there's anything to let go of really).

Or consider that you may have been friend zoned.

Very good question. They have therapy but there’s part of me that feels whatever the situation is- there is some basic needs communication needs I have that just aren’t being met.

At this point - wanting something casual but this is a million miles from casual as they are soo romantic which is lovely but just communication is inconsistent

Have you actually met in person?

I would probably back off because if they are making excuses at this point, they have not got their mental health to a place where they are ready for a mutually supportive relationship. If you are frustrated at this point, it's going to end up being all about what they want/need, and nothing about your wants/needs.

There's a risk that you could put a lot of effort in and look back and realise it was never going to work.

Starting to feel this way

Have you actually met them?

Sounds like a waste of time

I mean, it depends.

How desperate are you?

Leave. A relationship with an avoidant person is a lifetime opportunity of pain and misery. They abuse your feelings to make themselves feel better. You need security? Tough. You want commitment? Tough. You want to feel desired? Tough.

Your whole relationship will be you pushing a boulder uphill.

AAs can only be tolerated if you're very tough and have absolutely no emotional needs whatsoever. They'll take no responsibility for their actions and blame you for everything.

They're only useful for ornamental purposes and if you're absolutely desperate or don't care about being in a relationship and just want companionship. They're fairly easy to bully and manipulate if you're into that type of thing.

Have you ever actually met them in person?

I agree so much with this. Having tried every which way to make my avoidant partner show equal commitment to me that I did to him, to communicate my needs when I did so much to accommodate his, to be told he just wasn't emotional and I shouldn't try to change him (even though being with him meant I had to change and adjust so much) - for 7 years - it didn't work. I got therapy, we broke up, he finally got that I did actually contribute to his life and wellbeing and begged for me back - and his "apology" was all about him and not even a word about the impact on me.

He wasn't a bad person, he just did not have any understanding or recognition that being in a relationship means interdependency, being a team rather than two individuals who each look after themselves and it was exhausting (and had a massive impact on my self esteem) trying and failing to get him to see my worth.

He likes the idea of a relationship, more than actually having relationship. As others have said, life’s too short. Maybe explain this you feel, and if he diesn’t change, ditch him.

Yes I think so. And, also I am torn btw wanting to be understanding to a point and then also thinking hang on, mh needs just aren’t being met even half way here. I am touched by the gestures and truly if someone is that anxious you know I struggle but try to understand but u also feel there is a bit of selfishness ans perhaps well, playing here

Would I be correct in thinking you have never met this person in real life and everything has been conducted online messaging?

A few times so far.

Who taught you to be understanding of others, to the detriment of your wellbeing?

Anxious avoidant person doesn't work on meeting your emotional needs, but bombards you with enough 'romantic gestures' to send you in a spin. Seems like they know exactly how to manipulate you into being 'understanding '.

Stop wasting your time and move on.

In person it’s much easier tbh. But then when apart it’s again, just hard.

Never get involved with a fixer-upper.

So basically, this person is saying that if you want to have a relationship with them, it will always be on their terms. They are setting out their stall as an anxious-avoidant, who will only move at glacial speed. They are showing you very, very, very clearly who they are.

@Rosie8880 do you accept those terms? Sounds like probably not. Throw this fish back and move on.

Sounds like far too much hard work to me