Genuine mistake or guilt invitation?

[TrueBlueILoveYou]

I work in a very sociable office where a lot of us hang out after work. Amongst the friends I've made through the job are a few genuinely close ones, who I'd see at weekends and would definitely keep in touch with if either of us left.

Case in point - my friend Lesley, who I no longer work with, messaged me yesterday asking if there was any chance she could stay over at my house next week after our colleague Jane's housewarming, as she lives quite a way away. Just one problem - this was the first I'd heard of the party.

I wasn't really offended - I like and get on with Jane and would call her a friend, but she's not a close friend. Lesley worked more directly with her, so I wasn't really surprised she got invited when I didn't. Nevertheless, I felt a bit foolish, so rather than saying I hadn't been invited, I just replied that I wasn't sure yet if I was going and I'd confirm in the week.

Anyway, this morning I've had an invitation on Facebook to the party (an event page, not a personal message). In the event info, it says "I don't know what happened, but it looks like some people didn't get the invite the first time I sent it. Sorry about that - hope you can make it!"

Now this could be genuine, and it's pure coincidence that Jane has sent the update today. But I'm concerned that Lesley somehow twigged and has messaged Jane saying "Shit, I think I dropped you in it with TrueBlue" or similar - and Jane's come up with the "missing invitation" story to cover it.

What do I do? Do I assume good faith and go? Or is it a guilt/pity invitation that I should politely turn down? On one hand, I could be being paranoid; it's not like Lesley actually saw my reaction, so my face couldn't have given me away. But on the other, it seems like quite the coincidence that I got the invitation today.

YANBU - Stop worrying and go and enjoy yourself.
YABU - It's a guilt invitation - don't go.

Do you want to go?
I would take it at face value if it were me.

She might not have thought of you first time around but is happy for you to attend, makes things easier with lesley, don't overthink it.

I think you’re over thinking, plus you like Jane, she likes you and it’s a house warming - the more the merrier. Go enjoy yourself!

I don’t think it’s guild as such, but I also don’t think the lack of invite was a mistake. If it was she would have spotted it when you didn’t reply.

I’d take it at face value. I’m guessing Lesley has contacted Jane asking is she’s put her foot in it and Jane has either realised she accidentally forgot to invite you or there’s been a Facebook glitch and some invites went astray.

I agree take it at face value. Go if you want, don't if you dont (but if you decline don't be huffy about it)

You say yourself that you aren't as close, so does it really matter?

Lesley probably said "Oh I've asked Jane if I can stay at yours" and Jane's thought, actually I like Jane, I'll invite her to make it easier.
You didn't tell Lesley, so it's unlikely she's said she's dropped Jane in it over it.

Your reply to Lesley was odd. I don’t understand why you would say you’re not sure you’re going when you haven’t been invited. Lesley was sure to mention it to Jane. Your reply made you look foolish not the fact you hadn’t been invited.

Yes, Lesley mentioned it, Jane has now invited you. Likely so Lesley has somewhere to stay and to make herself feel better that she hadn’t originally invited you. From Jane’s perspective - all sorted!

If you like a party go.

You are overthinking.

If you had received an invitation initially would you have chosen to go
if so
would you be happy to have your mutual friend/colleague to stay over.

Now you do have an invitation, do you want to go
if so, are you happy to have Lesley to stay over.

I don't think it was an odd reply at all. I think a lot of people would feel uncomfortable saying they hadn't been invited.

We had a big bbq in the summer, did a Facebook event and invited everyone on that. A couple of weeks before I saw a friend and asked if she was coming but she hadn’t received the invite via Facebook. After some digging (and lots of non responders who normal are good at responding) we found out half of the invitees hadn’t got the invite. Sometimes that happens with Facebook so perfectly plausible

I say just go and don't overthink it.

I’d feel more uncomfortable pretending that I had been.

I agree your reply was odd. I would have said to your friend, ‘actually, this is the first I’ve heard about it!’

If you like Jane and would like to go, then go. She clearly likes you enough to ask you.

It is an odd reply and kind of forces Jane to invite if Lesley has relayed it back to her. It implies you were invited when you weren’t I would be more uncomfortable thinking there was a convo between Lesley and Jane where Lesley is told you weren’t actually invited.

Anyway I would say that the “it seems not everyone got the invite” is a bit of a saving face line and would probably feel a bit awkward going personally.

Well, that's you and this is me. Not sure what you're expecting me to say here.

OP, are you going to go? I imagine not if you feel like you were invited only because of guilt.

Just go and stop overthinking it

I'm genuinely not sure. Part of me thinks even if it is a guilt invitation, so what? It might have just been forgetfulness, rather than any deliberate attempt at exclusion. But then I start feeling a bit shit that I might have been forgotten!

There's no way you're every really going to know for certain, though. So if it sounds like a nice night out, just assume the best - it was a simple mistake, others have confirmed it can happen on FB so perfectly plausible - and go and enjoy it. For something where you will never be able to find out the truth, I think you are generally just happier overall if you decide to go with/believe (as much as possible) the best version of something. Besides, it's a house warming, nothing where an extra person would get in the way, nothing where whether she likes you or not really would matter; you've had no other indication that she actively doesn't like for any reason; even if she forgot you or had only chosen people she was closer to, she isn't averse to including you whatever the motivation. So just try to choose the nicest explanation and take it on face value, and then you can go and enjoy it, and perhaps you'll be more likely to be thought of in the future when people are mentally coming up with guest lists

(spoken by another over-thinker who does struggle with this sort of thing, and who would also have been going over the mental gymnastics of all the possible explanations - but this is one of the ways I try to cope with that)

I wouldn’t give any headspace to wondering why/if I was invited. I’d go if I thought it would be enjoyable, and not if I thought it wouldn’t.

I’d not go, even if you should have been originally invited, you’re not close enough to the host for her to have realised you hadn’t RSVPd and have been added as an afterthought.

I think it might be a very close friend thing as it's at the house and now she has included you.
I doubt its a deliberate slight, more like a numbers and space thing.
I'd probably decline, but send a warm reply thanking her.
I wouldn't take it personally.

Take it at face value. At worst, you've been invited to make Lesley's life easier, but if Jane really didn't want you there, then no doubt she could have helped Lesley find an alternative solution, and Lesley could then let you know she was sorted.
You say that you're friends but not close friends, so not someone she would always invite, but not someone she'd mind having there either.

go if u want to & don’t go if u don’t want to go. Don’t overthink, it’s not your best mate