To feel so alone in not loving motherhood

[deliverdaniel]

Most of my friends and most people I talk to really seem to love motherhood, and talking about it as so joyful and fulfilling (they also talk about the challenges/ hard parts too- it's not a Pollyanna situation)

It makes me feel so alone. I have 3 boys, ages between 8 and 16, and motherhood has been pretty much a constant slog. They have some additional needs- nothing major, just the usual ADHD/ possible mild ASD that so many kids seem to have these days. They are in mainstream school, do fine academically, have friends and do activities so no truly major challenges.

I try so hard to be a good mum- to do fun things with them, give them opportunities, spend time with them, access all the support services they need (historically a LOT of work) but I just find so little joy in motherhood and so much struggle. The boys have always been quite oppositional so constant arguments and they are very wild , the house is just chaos. they are incredibly physical- always "play" flighting until someone gets hurt which is very stressful. they are very rarely interested in anything I like, and it's hard work trying to summon up interest in their interests (generally a lot of things that I find incredibly boring like video games, anime and sports.). I do try very hard to do this for their sake but we rarely seem to find any genuinely shared pleasures. They have constant meltdowns and tantrums which is so draining. The eldest is now a teenager and is just grumpy and rude all the time. I had expected motherhood to be so joyful and fulfilling and was so excited to be a mum. Then I had brutal PND with my first and it just feels like it's been incredibly hard ever since. I feel so sad about it and so jealous of others who seem to be having such a great time. Am I the only one who feels this way?

I put YABU because why the eff have three if you don’t love motherhood?! (I have three!)

it’s not the typical choice. Most people have between 1-2 who decide to have kids at all. Thats because that’s what most people can cope with. I’m not surprised you’re finding it hard, 3 kids IS hard!!!

Is there a partner involved or are you a single mum? And do you work? Are your parents supporting you? 3 kids is a lot!

I’ve just started a not-dissimilar thread @deliverdaniel . I don’t know what made me think of it but I got a flashback to when I was pregnant with dc1 and how happy and excited I was. Nearly six years on and while I love both my children dearly I feel so ground down by it all and feel that anything nice we do try to do is so bloody difficult in a way it doesn’t seem to be for other people? Then I feel I’m doing it (being a mum) all wrong.

I wish I had advice but you’re not alone. I love my children but this time of day is the best but then it starts all again tomorrow.

I think it’s pretty universally accepted that parenthood is hard work - I’d certainly never choose to spend time with a toddler again if i could possibly avoid it. But I love teens, mine are fab company when they are not having a row about something.
Three is a lot though - I’m glad we stopped at two and I know I wouldn’t have coped with more. Why did you have more if you already knew you didn’t love being a mum, it is an odd choice in this day and age.

I have a partner who is supportive. But we live in another country far from family . my mum is generous with things like gifts etc, but she can't give any practical support even when she visits and I often feel very judged by her rather than supported especially when it comes to the kids behavior

Does it matter why she had three? She can’t exactly put them back!

it's a fair question. I always wanted to have a big joyful family. Everyone kept telling me that the early years were the hardest/ everything would get much easier as they got older and I didn't knonw about their diagnoses then. So I went for the family size that I wanted and thought it would be a lot of effort up front but would get much easier later.

Not sure the "why did you have three kids" is helpful. She has three and can't put one or two back at this stage so...

thank you for this kind reply. I'll look up your thread

yes quite. Thank you!!!

You're not alone op. Motherhood is not all it's cracked up to be! A lot of it is piss boring, hard and dull I guess the fun moments make up for it (?)
So much easier when they're older ! Hang in there.x

We have two teen boys and whilst there is some crossover with interests with their dad with me, not much, we all try, all you need to do is listen if they want to talk about it, I think it would be more odd if a 15 year old boy did enjoy what a 50 year old female did.

Honestly OP just stop trying, support them, take an interest and as they are now older sit them down and lay down the law about fighting and winding each other up.

Chores might help, nothing major but dirty clothes into laundry basket, clean clothes put away, loading a dishwasher.

Do you eat together as a family at all?

We find radio on, radio 3 relaxed/chilled, is good at meal time for very relaxed classical no adverts, just calming background over which conversation is had.

I have had many visions of motherhood and family time which have never materialised. But you have 3 boys, they are ok in school, have friends and do hobbies. That’s all you need really.

Our youngster introduced me to Kendrick Lamar’s music, some of it is really good, and our eldest is a wealth of geek knowledge it borders on impressive. They are content, growing up and heading towards being lovely young men in their world of looksmaxxing and toxic masculinity. They really aren’t going to sit with me having in depth conversations about philosophy over a game of scrabble. But they will let me read in depth articles about “sigma man” and we talk about things relevant to them.

I’ve three boys. No family support either. It’s tough going I agree. Sounds like you’re going a great job -they sound happy ? Doing well on school, they’ve friends, and they enjoy hobbies ?
the constant playfighting and wrestling was all new to me as I’m from a family of girls.
I try to have calm meal times together with background music and no screens. I tend to ignore mostly. When the noise gets too much I send everybody outside. (Several times a day at the mo )
they like lots of things that I find boring (Nintendo)) but we enjoy some stuff together, walks, bike rides, going out for lunch/ tea & cake, chess, music

Motherhood is a bloody relentless, thankless task but it sounds like you are struggling to find common ground.
I have lots of shared interests with my son as I naturally raised him to enjoy the things I enjoy. Likewise he has lots of interests I don’t. Such as I went to the cinema to watch anime to see what the craic was, hated every minute of it and had a nap instead!
I try with the video games, Lego dimensions back in the day and don’t mind a bit of Mario kart!
Sibling squabbling drives me mad but I try to take them out individually often, at least once a week each but at the end of the day none of my kids will thank me for it!

Yes they do chores- cleaning up after themselves/ putting away clean clothes, dishes, dishwasher, taking out the bins etc.

We do have dinner together as a family a few times a week but my eldest (mild ASD and hyper sensitive to noise and overstimulation) finds it really hard to cope with the noise / overwhelm of the other two and usually ends up storming out and / or saying soemthing mean. Which then upsets his younger brother who feels very hurt and then also storms out and we spend the rest of the evening picking up the pieces.

I really don't mean this in an accusatory way, but how many parenting strategies have you looked into?

I think there's often changes we can make in our parenting that can help the situation, even if just a bit. There's no one size fits all, of course, so just because a friend has perfectly behaved children doesn't mean she's doing everything right and you wrong. But maybe a few changes to routines/rules/responsibilities could lead to fewer arguments and stress.

Raising ADHD/ASD children takes extra work and skills beyond 'normal' parenting. Have you been able to access any parenting support? Have you found any good parenting books on the subject? Do you have the money to pay for a parenting coach? (Not a therapist, just someone who can give useful tips).

Hope things improve for you.

Well, then you’re dealing with the consequences of not listening to yourself, surely? You chose to believe other peoples’ accounts of motherhood over your own lived experience, and to keep having more children while continuing to think other people’s experience of motherhood as more important than yours. It’s difficult, I’m sure. You’re certainly not alone, though.

Yabu. There are literally thousands of threads on Mumsnet on this very subject. They come up almost daily.

If you did a very simple basic search and you would find many other mothers who feel the same way, all the way back to the birth of Mumsnet in the early 2000s (and of course our mothers, aunts, grandmothers and the generations before them before Mumsnet all had thousands who were similar to you).

Perhaps you could start a group or a thread where you can all chat and support each other? It's not at all unusual.

i have spent hundreds of hours at this point reading parenting books/ researching neurodivergence/ trying different parenting strategies/ doing online courses etc etc.

I have 2 kids, grown up now and, yeah, it's just hard work. I love them but I was never what I would call an "earth mother" or a "natural".

But one of my kids now has two kids and I look at him sometimes and I see me 30 years ago and I have a little snigger ... Karma's a bitch.

So we take grandkids out (4 and 2) and they are a lot more fun than kids. We go to NT places and hunt dinosaurs or wild animals or dragons and when they're tired, flaked out in their car seats and a bit grubby we drop them with their parents with a lovely smile and wave and go home to drink wine 🍷. Yes, grandparenting is the way to do it but unfortunately you have the shitty parenting bit to do first.

So basically, don't try so hard. Find something you want to do then extend an open invitation to said kids that they can come if they want and if not they can do their own thing. It's fair and it doesn't force you all to be together. At 16 the older one probably wants to hang with his mates, go to concerts, gigs and generally be unpleasant. Assume your middle one is hitting puberty so he will be at the great unwashed stage and your youngest, well, he probably still needs a lot of input from you to be fair but that can be on your terms.

You're not alone and if you consider it properly you'll probably find a lot of your friends are faking it too. I love my children but I am so glad they're grown adults.

i mean yes, sure in some ways. but not sure how this is helpful?

Well that sounds exhausting! Maybe the issue is that you are a very conscientious person and are trying to get everything 'right'? It must be difficult to enjoy time with your kids if you're thinking "I shouldn't have said that, I did that wrong" etc.

Maybe forget about the kids a little bit and instead think about yourself. What would make you happy? Try to carve out time for that. You'll have fun and, who knows, your children might respond well to knowing you have hobbies/a life outside of them.

What kind of help are you expecting, though? You have three children. You aren’t enjoying parenthood, but you can’t step away from it.

What kind of help am I expecting? I mean not expecting exactly but hoping perhaps for support, solidarity, advice, perspective?

It's perfectly ok to just want to vent or to know that others are in the same boat.