To feel so alone in not loving motherhood

[deliverdaniel]

Most of my friends and most people I talk to really seem to love motherhood, and talking about it as so joyful and fulfilling (they also talk about the challenges/ hard parts too- it's not a Pollyanna situation)

It makes me feel so alone. I have 3 boys, ages between 8 and 16, and motherhood has been pretty much a constant slog. They have some additional needs- nothing major, just the usual ADHD/ possible mild ASD that so many kids seem to have these days. They are in mainstream school, do fine academically, have friends and do activities so no truly major challenges.

I try so hard to be a good mum- to do fun things with them, give them opportunities, spend time with them, access all the support services they need (historically a LOT of work) but I just find so little joy in motherhood and so much struggle. The boys have always been quite oppositional so constant arguments and they are very wild , the house is just chaos. they are incredibly physical- always "play" flighting until someone gets hurt which is very stressful. they are very rarely interested in anything I like, and it's hard work trying to summon up interest in their interests (generally a lot of things that I find incredibly boring like video games, anime and sports.). I do try very hard to do this for their sake but we rarely seem to find any genuinely shared pleasures. They have constant meltdowns and tantrums which is so draining. The eldest is now a teenager and is just grumpy and rude all the time. I had expected motherhood to be so joyful and fulfilling and was so excited to be a mum. Then I had brutal PND with my first and it just feels like it's been incredibly hard ever since. I feel so sad about it and so jealous of others who seem to be having such a great time. Am I the only one who feels this way?

I'm really sorry you are finding it all so hard. Ignore all the Pollyanna's who bang on about how fabulous motherhood is. For them maybe it is. But I genuinely understand what it's like to hate being a mother. It's miserable. It's lonely and it's relentless. And for you it's harder because of your sons' difficulties.
I found two things helped. First, go out either on your own or with friends once a week. No exceptions. Leave your partner with the kids. Second go to see a therapist.
Both these things helped me. I hope they help you.

I don’t know why people are being so irritable on this thread, to be honest.

My five year old has been really difficult this summer and it’s taken every ounce of patience and effort within me not to lose my temper. Everything’s been a battle. And it does grind you down and effect your enjoyment of life generally.

Having three children is slightly bigger than average but it isn’t as if she has twelve!

Thank you!! This is really kind. I hope things improve with your kid too

You say your DCs have ADHD/mild ASD like “so many kids seem to have these days”. It’s still only, despite what the media might currently want everyone to believe, a small proportion of children that have these conditions. They make already challenging stages of life even more challenging to manage, and with the added admin and constant battle to get them the right support, it makes parenting harder. IME (2 DC, one ADHD and dyslexic and one AuDHD - both bright and towards the end of mainstream education so “mild” but still in need of support) in teenage years you have to tell the difference between what’s their ND talking and what’s the teenage hormones talking. It’s OK not to love that, it’s OK to find it hard.

We are also sold the idea that motherhood is constantly fulfilling from the moment they are born. We’re sold that by the NCT, by the nappy and milk adverts, by the constant feed of # makingmemories and other media/social media dripping on. I know people who do feel like that, but there are also people who don’t. Both viewpoints are valid.

Do you have something that you do that you feel gives you personal value, @deliverdaniel? For me it is work but might be something different for you. And as for the looking for things to do together that everyone enjoys, I hear you on that one. As mine have got older as a family we have found things that work for all of us, because they have grown up and can flex/be a bit more open to it. I can see the adults they are becoming and that helps too. But for a long time there wasn’t anything.

Oh, and burn the parenting advice books. They all contradict each other. If it works for your family and doesn’t harm anyone, carry on!

thank you- yes i think the neurodiversity part of it is huge. it just makes every single tiny thing something between slightly more and much more challenging and with three of them it all just adds up. I think it also makes a difference that they are boys. Perhaps with girls more of our interests/ outlook etc would overlap (no guarantee obviously but seems likely watching mums with daughters)

You are doing a great job! I only have one DD and much less to contend with than you from what you have described but I can relate to some of what you say. I adore my DD and was desperate to have a child but have found it really tough in a way I never expected. I think for me, part of it is down to my self imposed pressure of trying to get everything ‘right’ and feeling lacking due to my own childhood. Practically speaking, finding ways to carve out time to see friends and do exercise may help as well as a therapist so you say all the things in your head out loud without judgment. We are all just doing the best we can and are not limitless in what we can give without feeling it.

thank you for this kind post

I have not RTFT because I should be going to bed but this caught me:

@deliverdaniel “just the usual ADHD/ possible mild ASD that so many kids seem to have these days. They are in mainstream school, do fine academically, have friends and do activities so no truly major challenges.”

As a teacher, I have a few kids in a class like this, not the majority. These parents are having a different experience and if this is your normal then you need to know you are working harder than the other parents! It might feel commonplace because there is more talk, your kids probably gravitate towards similar kids and there is a disproportionate amount of mums of children with EHCP’s on mumsnet looking for support and advice. Please know you are doing great!

You’re not alone.

I didn’t want kids as I instinctively felt that the act of parenting wasn’t aligned to the things I enjoyed so I probably wouldn’t like it much. I like things like going to the theatre, hosting parties, having an immaculate house, spending 5 hours straight reading and a nice quiet home. I like the freedom to get on a plane with no notice.

Anyway believed the patriarchy con that hormones would somehow change my personality and had 2 kids. Lo and behold I still enjoy the same things, I just can’t do them any more and that makes me sad and tired. And the young kid stuff as well I just found boring and hard.

Now they are older it’s more fun - I spent a long time trying to get them into things I enjoy, booking days out at events and things I feel I’ll enjoy too. We go on holidays we’ll all enjoy (not just them!). Also I really have tried to force myself to be interested in their sports. I go to all their games and things even though I never was interested in sport. And I found you can make yourself interested. And I made friends with the other sport parents and that makes it more fun too.

So then one day I guess I woke up and thought this feels quite fun now.* I feel it’s not too late for the same to be the case for you too. There must be some common ground where you can have fun together - my boys are similar ages and one likes theatre with me. Another is really into food so we research recipes and cook together. Now they are older we can read some of the same books and chat about them. Just thinking if you can get them into your interests in the same way.

*) of course i love my kids. It’s enjoying the job of parenting.

Would you have liked to have a girl?

You said yourself your friends do talk about the negatives - maybe read between the lines a bit more? I mean, do you dwell on the downsides as much as you could, when talking to people? I'm sure you talk about finding it hard a bit. But not a lot, right? Not as much as you really feel it? There you go.

It's one of those things people don't say in person much. Because nobody wants to be judged to be a dreadful uncaring monster of a mother who doesn't even love her kids or whatever. But when people have anonymity it's a whole other story. There's been dozens of threads on mn over the years about regretting motherhood and the like - dig them up. You're far from unusual.

Oh yes definitely

Hey OP,

I have two boys so I empathise with the chaos that comes with them!!

Mine are 9 and 12 and they are little whirlwinds.

The house constantly looks like a bomb has gone off and oh my goodness the noise! They are balls of energy and trying to find outlets for that can be difficult!

80% of the time they get on fine but when they have their spats and bickering moments it can be so frustrating for me as they get so much enjoyment from winding each other up. Sometimes I wish they’d have an argument, shout at each other and then make up…. But no, deliberately trying to wind each other up for hours is far more fun (for them).

They both love sport and I have thrown myself into learning about football so we have that common interest thankfully. I have also become a total fan of building really complex Lego figurines as that’s also something they love doing.

But oh God…. the amount of endless crap video games I have to watch and pretend to be interested in is mind numbing! They go on and on and on about all these games they play and the characters and the aim of the game etc and I nod along with a big smile on my face whilst thinking I have absolutely no idea what they are talking about 🤣 They are so excited and enthusiastic when they are telling me about it all though that I can’t help but play along with their total awe of what they’re doing and achieving in their game 🤷‍♀️

I have found though that by following their lead in terms of what their interests are and making myself get involved in doing what they want to do, it has certainly opened my eyes to so many things that I would never have considered interesting before and I have learnt so much from getting involved in their activities, hobbies and interests etc.

I adore having boys and when they were younger I really wanted a third baby, and I also really wanted a third boy, but DH was having none of it 🤣

I know I haven’t been helpful but I just wanted to show you some solidarity because having two of them in the house makes for an extremely loud, crazy, unpredictable, frantic and explosive environment at times but I have found that the easiest thing to do is just go with it and accept that this is just how it is going to be, and I try to throw myself into their chaos and madness and just embrace it.

My friend has got two daughters who are 9 and 7 and whenever I visit the house is really calm and they’ll be sitting down colouring or doing jigsaws or playing with dolls or reading etc and it feels so alien to me 🤣 She probably comes to my house and thinks “What the fuck is all this madness?!” 🤣

But it is what it is!

They really do push me to my limits sometimes but at the same time I am so in love with how boisterous they are, how funny they are, how excited they get about their inane PlayStation games and football cards and I tell myself that although it’s very challenging at times (especially now the hormones are kicking in with my eldest) I would never be without them and I wouldn’t change them for the world.

Life is loud, crazy and messy….. but amongst all the craziness that comes with what live wires they are, they also bring me a lot of joy with their madness.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with finding parenting a slog at times and not enjoying it, so vent away, the majority of us completely understand and empathise x

ha! Yes def relate to the going to peoples houses who have girls and it just being night and day different!

@deliverdaniel, please know that you are not alone. I have one child, now aged eight, and I find it hard (and I have a supportive husband, although no family close).
I remember, when my child was a toddler, a friend (who had a great job) saying that, really, she wished she could pack in her job and stay home with her babies. I couldn't wait to get back to work. And another friend chose to leave her job this spring and put off job searching until autumn, because she wanted to spend the whole summer with her children. I, on the other hand, am so grateful for the weeks that he is in camp.
Today was a hard day. He was whiny all day, cheeky, not listening. And yesterday, when we went for a "meet the teacher" day at his hew school, he was also distracted, being cheeky, not the best impression at a new school. I find it all so so hard.
I love him so much. I enjoy reading with him. I enjoy watching him play his favorite sport. But I hate pretend play, hate when he is bored and whining, hate the endless demands. More than anything I hate that there is never a moment when I ever feel truly free.
I don't admit these things to anyone. And, knowing all this, I still would have had him. But I find it so so hard.

@Ruthietuthie thank you for this. It's good to know that I am not the only one. Sending strength....x

So your boys are a) so sensitive they can’t have dinner together but b) also constantly physically fighting?? Surely something is not adding up here and I’m wondering whether you need to recalibrate your balance between being understanding and reading the riot act. They are bigger now and you are entitled to expect more from them eg everyone stays at family dinner til the end (bribe with pudding?). Eg no physical fighting in the house.

It sounds very wearing and I don’t blame you being fed up at all!

I do wonder if mums of multiple boys (and no girls) sometimes get a bit caught up in the constant movement and chaos of them being very little and forget that they are suddenly creating young men who can and do actually abide by rules, and do things to make their mum’s/everyone’s lives more pleasant as they get older.

And if all else fails just be out more yourself. Join a gym or a book group, take yourself to the pub with a book or a podcast. Give yourself a break.

There is an abundance of motherhood is so awful and chaotic and you can only survive medicated on coffee followed by wine content on the internet, I’m surprised you feel alone when it comes to finding motherhood a slog. It seems like a very openly discussed concept.

One thing I’ve come to understand is that knowing something in theory and actually living it, actually feeling it, are very different things. I knew I’d be tired when I had a baby but I didn’t know how it would actually feel. I knew toddlers had tantrums but I didn’t know how helpless and panicked they would make me feel.

I resonate with much of what the OP has written, anyway, even if others don’t.

I don’t have children and it looks bloody difficult and relentless to me! Sorry you are having a rough time of it. I do think most mothers wouldn’t admit it even if they did find it hard or didn’t enjoy it, because they would be judged. I think women are judged for everything.

I have 3, 2 with ND. It is bloody hard. I found some stages really tough but there was always lots of reward to shift my focus to. Performances, sports, school achievements, witty little comments, funny little stories - even things that only match up to the child’s developmental stage due to the ASD not their peers.

But I love the teenage years. My lot are incredibly independent and we can leave them for a day easily now and just do what we are interested in doing. We have very structured boundaries on them keeping the house tidy if we are away so we don’t step back to chaos.

Just start developing your own life now @deliverdaniel clearly you have put tonnes into your kids. We have attended so many parenting classes and support and everything else but that phase is failing back too. Change the way you have been doing things it is not working for you anymore.

I didn't enjoy motherhood at all! Not one little bit. To be fair I didn't choose to have children, they just came along and I, personally, couldn't have stopped my pregnancies. I absolutely love my children, and grandchildren, to bits but actually bringing them up was not something I enjoyed.

I have 5 boys, all grown up now but I remember the slog of doing massive amounts of laundry, enormous food shops and making meals every day, not to mention all the driving around to clubs/sports/friend's houses! I don't know anyone who thinks that motherhood is joyous - I think most of us think it's a lot of hard work and it's a good job we love our kids!

I think it's important to find some common ground and things you can enjoy together - I share a love of football with my boys so we often get together to watch a match. They all love cooking and learned a lot from cooking with me when they were younger. 2 of my boys love nature/animals so we often go for lovely walks and spot birds and other wildlife.

I do remember when they were young that I sometimes tired of the endless conversations about pokemon or video games and playing many many games of top trumps and board games - the kind of stuff that you do just because you love them! But then they become teenagers and are more interested in spending time with their mates than you and suddenly you miss being the most important person in their lives!

It's important to make time for yourself too - being the only female in the house meant I really valued the time spent with my female friends. Get out for coffee or dinner and a good gossip with your mates, take up an exercise class/book group/sports team - it's really important to have a life outside the home for your own wellbeing.

Motherhood is just one part of your life and it's not forever, they will grow up and leave home before you know it. So it's really a good thing to invest some time in your own interests too!