“Stop trying to force conversation” - right to be upset?

[leahfz]

DH and me have had lots of issues over the last few months, slowly working through them. There’s been money issues, trust issues and just a lot of drama. I’ve swallowed my feelings and tried to make it work because he can never see my point of view.

Today we had a rare day of doing nothing. DH wanted to play a video game and I spent the day doing artwork. I asked if he wanted to watch a film at 5pm (after we’ve been doing our own thing for 8 hours), he said he would in a bit. At 6pm I asked again and he said I’ll come down at 7pm.

I was asking if he wanted anything to eat and then I remembered he had told me he was going to on a hike tomorrow. I asked him if he had asked his friend if he was giving him a lift. He said “yeah” and I asked where they were going. He said “I don’t know”. Then “why are you trying to force conversation?”

I left it there and made dinner and he came in asking why I was moody. I said I didn’t want to talk to him and he clearly didn’t want to talk to me. He said I should have told him I wasn’t forcing conversation? That it wasn’t a big deal and I’m ruining the day.

I said I felt like anything I said was annoying and he said that’s your own interpretation.

basically I just need to move past it and talk as normal?

Am I being u?

the comment really affected me because he’s said similar things in the past, basically that i need attention, im needy etc etc. all said if i wanted to spend time with him. Him spending the day gaming isn’t unusual. I’ve learnt to give him that time, but even then it seems he doesn’t really want to spend any time with me.

Of course it’s supposed to be fun - otherwise what’s the bloody point?

Are you in a position to leave?
I'm afraid you're married to someone who doesn't like you and it will only get worse. Your husband should be looking forward to the weekend so you can spend time together not treating your existence like a nuisance.

Marriage should be mutually beneficial, yours isn't.

I don't think marriage or long term relationships are constant fun, things happen and the fun stops. Knowing my husband has my back when things aren't fun is very important.
Obviously if the fun stops permanently that's a different matter.

@leahfz this relationship would have had red flags before now. You probably thought things would improve over time. Unfortunately that rarely happens.

I think that you husband doesn't seem to like you very much. I don't think he's ever going to enjoy your company, specifically seek to spend time with you or give any priority to your feelings.

He won't change because he doesn't value you and probably believes that you'll never leave.

What particulary makes this is a good relationshp?

What makes you choose to stay?

Of course it’s meant to be fun! And I say this as someone very far from their 20’s, with two very small DC. DH and I are currently at the most sleep deprived and time poor we’re ever likely to be. We’re still having a marvellous time, with lots of laughter and joy.

I think maybe your husband isn't cut out for marriage.

I mean, even if he didn't feel like talking, how difficult would it have been for him just to answer your questions? What is wrong with having a conversation after 8 hours not communicating? At the very least, he could have said politely something along the lines of "I"m sorry, I need to concentrate on this, I'll come out soon".

I'm also wondering about the fact that he spent 8 hours playing video games. Is he addicted?

For goodness sake get away from him.
He doesn't like you, he certainly doesn't love you.

Having children with him would be so dreadful.
Don't inflict him on a child.
He is not a good man, husband and would be an awful father.

Wake up.

Sound like the relationship is dead in the water tbh?

He's unhappy if you speak to him, and still unhappy when you don't.

He doesn't value your company and just wants to be left alone, while in the house with his wife.
He thinks you're 'trying too hard' to get his attention, rather than simply asking a question or two.

You really don't sound happy at all, and he's telling you that he's not happy with you talking/not talking, so what is the actual point of being together at all?

@Neurodiversitydoctor ... yes? It isn't supposed to be miserable is it? Otherwise why bother being married.

Even when DH and I are knackered, house is a riot and the 2 year old is screaming for no clear reason. We'll still be trying to make each other smile. A cup of tea, an act of kindness or even an eyeroll in a jokey "what did we sign up for!?!?" way all make the difficult bits of married life worth it.

Been together 11 years, so not forever, but things get better over time, not worse.

This! I’ve been in the depths of grief or stress and still laughed, messed about with, been affectionate with my partner. That’s the stuff that helps get us through. If you love someone then you don’t switch all that off especially during lifes hard times.

Not with him

So he’s training you not to speak? Is he controlling in other ways? He can’t even answer a reasonable question about where he’s going on a hike, bog standard? What’s the point of this relationship? He’s out today, spent all day gaming yesterday.

if this is how things are in your marriage now, after just 1 year, imagine what it'll be like in 10 years or 20. Sounds like he's more interested in doing his own thing and hanging out with his mates. Sorry to say it, he probably just wants you for domestic and sexual reasons, and not actually interested in you as a person.

Cut your losses. And btw, you're not overly sensitive - you have standards, which he is trying to grind down. Do yourself a favour, and get out of this marriage. Life's too short for this.

Only married a year? You picked the wrong man.

I think you should get out now. My DH was similar and we're now divorcing after 22 years together.

I don’t think the comment was “bad” but he could’ve have said it in a nicer way - that he wasn’t feeling very sociable or something like that.

The later comment is gas lighting you and him not taking responsibility for being grumpy earlier.

It’s not all on you.

If he’s not normally like this maybe he is stressed about something?

I would find another time to talk when he seems more amenable.

Hi @leahfz

What you said sounds like a perfectly ordinary, normal conversation between husband and wife.

His reaction and comments are NOT normal.

He is rude to you, in fact he's almost contemptuous of you - that should not be happening in a loving, caring relationship, especially when you've only been together for 3 years.

Also, he's spent all day gaming, isn't talking to you now, and is going out all day tomorrow with a friend.
Is he at all interested in spending time with you?!

Why do you think he married you?

Why did you marry him?

Has he changed the way he treats you since you married?

If he continues to treat you like this, would you want to stay married to him?

Think about the answers to these questions, OP.

And then start getting your ducks in a row.

💐

I couldn't be married to someone who could never see my point of view.

He spent all day gaming then got annoyed you wanted a conversation. Tomorrow he’s going hiking all day. What a lonely marriage. I’d say cut your losses and find someone nice.

Miserable b**tard. If he doesn't want a conversation this early on in your marriage I seriously can't see how it will last. Don't keep swallowing your feelings. Remember your own value!

Edited for typo

Do you want to be married to a man who doesn't want to spend time with you and shuts you down when you try and speak to him? If this is what your marriage is like after a year, imagine how you will feel in 5 years, or 10? Honestly, I would get out now while you're still young and can start again. The marriage was a mistake but a bigger mistake would be to waste any more of your life on this man.

He sounds like he doesn’t respect or even like you. Do you want to spend the next 20 years plus like this?

Are you a people-pleaser? Are you a bit scared of him? Do you walk on eggshells? Are you equals or does he hold the ‘power’?

I think you need to assert yourself and be clear about respect and what you expect in a relationship. Do not be a doormat.

It's not you it's him. He's a controlling wanker. The fact that you're questioning yourself proves he's worn you down. Run love, for your own mental health.

Get out while you can he sounds like a dick