AIBU to feel my son is unfairly comparing support?

[Appleteeth]

Hi all, first of all I want to make it clear I’m not by any means saying I have been a good mother to my son, or that he doesn’t have every right to resent me for that, I don’t want this to read as woe is me.

Background
I have 2 children they are 41 and 26, I had my first child at 21, he was for the most part raised by my mother, I was completing my nursing degree then doing shift work, I provided for him financially, took him on holiday etc, but I will admit my mother did the vast majority of the day to day care. When he was 11 he wanted to try and live with me and my then partner, he moved in for 6 months but was having problems at school, we then trialled by partner moving out, nothing improved and he insisted he wanted to go back to his grans. So he did, my partner then moved back in.
3 years later my partner and I had our daughter, her father then left and never returned when she was 6 so I raised her alone.

Lately my son has increasingly been talking about the the injustice of his childhood, how DD did more hobbies than him, how the only reason DD now owns a home is because she had more support.

1. There was little in the way of financial disparity, actually I think my son got more money spent on him over all, he had a summer holiday every year, was taken abroad etc.
2. He always had the most fashionable clothes and toys, my mother and I worked extremely hard to ensure this

Yes DD did more hobbies, but my son never actually wanted to as a child, and as a result the last time DD left the country for a family holiday in childhood she was 4, we didn’t do a single holiday between 4 and 11, not even a uk break. DDs birthday and Christmas gifts were often made up of whatever she needed for hobbies that year.

She did go on to go to university being the first in our family to do so, got married and now has children.

She owns a home but I had no involvement in this at all, she and her partner (who had been together since they were 14 saved, and received help from his family, I didn’t have any money to offer).

Now I’m mortgage free but not very high earning as I left nursing for my own health 20 years ago.

I make no difference in the gifts I give to my son’s children and my daughters. I pay for us all to go on holiday once a year (just a uk break).

My son also borrows money every month which he doesn’t always pay back in full but I’ve accepted this.

This afternoon my son came over and he was complaining that his sons didn’t have their proper PE kit and went back to school last week, I told him I don’t have anymore money to give him, he has already had £400 this month and still owes me money from last month.

He then went on a rant that he knows I spent more on my daughter’s children’s school shoes than I did on his sons. This is true but I didn’t do it deliberately, I told them both I could afford £50 per child on school shoes, DD bought her children shoes from start rite so she spent it all, he sent me a link to some shoes which were only £30, I ordered exactly what he sent me.

This then spiralled into me apparently loving my DDs children more than his! This isn’t true at all. I see DDs children a little more as she is in the same town as me and a walk away, I babysit them one day a week for 2 hours and they come over for dinner once a week. I see my son’s children once a week as he brings them over and I try to stop in and see them when I can but it’s a bus away and I’m still working. He also asks me not to come to his ok the weekend so the only option is either the day I already have DDs children or after work. I have offered him babysitting countless times and he always says no he will get his partners mum to do it.

I don’t know what to do?

AIBU to feel I’m not currently doing anything wrong even if in the past I did mess up in having my mum raise him?

Im open to advice!

sorry but he lived with his gran, he wasn’t thrown in a Romanian orphanage. Was it ideal? Probably not but you did the best you could. You trained to be a nurse, you still did all the school parents evenings and sports days, you still were there for his birthday and Christmas.. I know it’s not perfect and ok not living with him and choosing to move in with your boyfriend at the same time wasn’t great but again, you tried. You moved the boyfriend out, you prioritised your son in that situation. I don’t know how you fix this. He wants you on the one night you’re with your daughter because he wants to be a victim and be able to say you never choose him. He wants you to let a few £100 a month slide because you feel guilty. His childhood wasn’t perfect, few are, but he was loved and with family and in many cultures that’s normal. I’d ask him what he wants. He probably doesn’t even know.

Please ignore all the awful posts on this thread, OP, especially the ones who haven't even had the courtesy to read all of your posts. You son is consumed by jealousy and hatred for your DD and this isn't healthy. He is bullying you , extracting money from you and playing on your guilt. I feel really sorry for you, trapped in this terrible family dynamic. Your mother doesn't even sound very supportive of you, even though she is also a victim of his extortion. At least your DD has grown up to be a 'normal' young woman, and you have grandchildren (from both of your children) to love. Take care and look after yourself.

So you abandoned your child so you could train in a profession they you very tickly gave up 🤦‍♀️ no wonder your son resents you!

Op didn’t abandon her child (unlike the feckless dad). Yes, the child lived with his gran, but Op was there supporting him, taking him on holiday, going to school events, financially supporting him.

Haven't read the full thread, @Appleteeth , as I could tell it was going to be one of those where the OP got bullied.
It sounds like you did your very best to me, I'm so sorry you're having these troubles with your son. You obviously have enough love for both children, I'm sorry he can't see that, & thinks you favour your daughter, but that's his problem, not yours, you can't keep bailing him out. I do hope you can talk about it all again (or what about writing him a letter so you can pour your feelings into that?) I do hope things improve for you. Hugs. x

Exactly. He has some issues from childhood and clearly some resentment. But he can’t use this to demand money from you indefinitely. You need to repair your relationship.

You can’t turn back the clock, he’s being petty hes squabbling over shoe costs.
it seems like he’s setting up obstacles to be mad at you, I’d suggest you offer to do some family counselling with him.
I wouldn’t cancel looking after your daughters kids.
he comes across bitter and blaming everyone else rather than taking some responsibility for himself at this point.
I do understand his hurt ( I grew up in an even more dysfunctional family so I get it) but I don’t think it will matter what you do as I think he’s just angry which is fine but you’ve apologised and time cannot be reversed.

I have 2 children they are 41 and 26, I had my first child at 21, he was for the most part raised by my mother, I was completing my nursing degree then doing shift work.

Well no, you said degree, but it doesn't matter. I was responding to another poster saying that things were very different socially for unmarried mothers. My point was that they are not much different to now. In 1955, yes, but not 1985.

Post one

You were doing a nursing degree so couldn't cope and your mum helped

So op shoukd out herself in massive debt to fix it? Presumably he abs his partner both work, it isn't ops responsibility to work a second job to pay for their lifestyle, regardless of the childhood trauma. That's a selerste issue which needs to be handled by not just throwing money at it

Whilst I feel for your son, this isn't the answer. You can't stop being a mother and grandmother to DD and Co to try and make it up to DS. It isn't her fault either.

You've offered to babysit. He said no. You offered weekends. He said no. He doesn't get to punish DD for being born when she was.

Have you ever say down and apologised for what happened in his early years, and explained why honestly not in a "it was so hard for me, I had to do this, I had to do that" but genuine ownership?

I would in future buy the shoes and transfer the extra over etc. to make it feel fair, but physically you can only do what he'll let you do.

Do you think you've fully grasped what it was like for him? He lived with his Nan until 11, when he was finally allowed to move in with you, but only with your partner too. You didn't have him living with just you. Then you had another baby when you hadn't sorted things out with him.

I don't think this is going to be easy to fix and I think the money is just a symptom.

I think your son needs to accept that you're deeply sorry for what happened in his childhood, but it was in the past and you can't change it.

He also needs to stop using you and your mother as a cash machine - maybe it's a gambling or other addiction, but he needs to address it rather than demand money as some sort of compensation for his childhood.

Family therapy could help you all to improve your relationships, and move on from the past - it can't be changed by you giving him money now, especially as he's comparing it against what you give his sister.

The financial situation is concerning. "Borrowing" (and not fully paying back) £4-500 every month, when he knows that you don't earn a huge amount (and claims to be on £50k himself), plus shouting down the phone at his grandma when she had no more money to give him? Plus his treatment of your daughter and her DC.

This is a middle-aged man treating the rest of his family very poorly, and I'm surprised how much this is being hand-waved away. Demanding hundreds of pounds every month may be a psychological proxy for needing to be prioritised, but it's not a fair one and I think he's been given too much grace about it by many posters.

Exactly

it smacks of drugs or gambling

but the Op doesn’t seem too concerned about that

It’s not to do with the current differences, perceived or real, except that he perceives them to be what they are because he feels his childhood was unequal to his sister’s in love from you. This is how he expresses it.

You dont need to do anything other than stop funding him. He is 41 and has his own children. He sounds like a bully who is trying to guilt trip you. Do not engage in a discussion about this or try to explain or justify. If you do you are implying to him you did wrong and if you dont then that also implies you were in the wrong. So bottom line is you cant win and you will never get him to accept he is wrong.

I totally agree. Some really harsh comments. You cant rewrite history. Her son needs to grow a pair and stop blaming his mother.

Having read more of your posts, I think what’s happening is that he’s partly articulating what he wants but then pushing you away and making it hard for you to achieve that because it allows him to protect himself from what he sees as being let down again, and allows him to continue to express the anger he feels towards you about his childhood. He will push and push and push to test you.

“You can look after my children.”

”Great I can do that at the weekend.”

”No, you can’t come at weekends.”

He is deliberately making it hard for you to test you and ‘prove’ to himself that he is right in his assessment of your inadequate love for him and that he should keep the walls up rather than than risk being vulnerable.

Money is a safe thing to ask for and take from you because it’s material, not emotional.

I would say that you need to have some boundaries about the money because, on his salary and at his age, it’s far too much to expect. Nonetheless, I would think through very carefully how I communicated this and I would strongly agree with the previous poster’s suggestion about family therapy. His patterns of thought about you are lifelong, ingrained ones.

This will take a lot of work to change, and he will have to be on board with this for it to work. Put your money into therapy. I don’t know how you get him to agree, which I know will be the next question, but don’t give up.

I would try to change the narrative. When he brings up perceived inequalities in treatment about money, consistently redirect it to what might be beneath that, how he’s feeling, and reassuring him that you love him.

ETA: There’s a middle ground here. Don’t tolerate his bullying or unpleasant behaviours but do recognise their root and redirect the focus to that. Yes, he’s an adult, but in these situations he’s clearly reverting to the ‘child’ position in the parent/child dynamic to act out the feelings he has about his childhood.

Her 41 year old son had told his mother he is earning £50,000 per year, so regardless of his background he has obviously managed to get a good job and should be able to support his own family without handouts from his mother or grandmother. I have adult children in their 40s with their own children so I know that mortgage costs, car loans, child care and holidays, clothes and food shops cost the earth, but other families have a lot less to live on today even with 2 parents working.I would be asking him where his money is being spent before subsidising him further.

I think you’ve probably done a lot of damage to your son and he’s lashing out.

It’s understandable.

It’s not about the school shoes etc. it’s about abandoning him as a child while you moved on with new partner and child.

A lot of these posts are pure bullying and those posters should be ashamed.

Seems we’ve learned absolutely nothing about online bullying - some of which has caused death!

OP please ignore these judgmental virtue signallers- most of whom know nothing about either the difficulties you face or single parents in general.

I said it again but I’ll say it again - do not give him money - he is emotionally blackmailing you.

Clearly he's hurting from his childhood. However, this is also cultural. In my culture - kids being brought up by grandparents while parents go out to work especially if they have shift work or are single parents is pretty standard. I guess most often the grandmothers move in with the parents to help out. Nonetheless, the kids are effectively brought up by the grandparents. My parents were, as was my cousin and lots of friends. kids do not end up growing up resenting their parents as thats the norm.

Am not entirely sure how you would have managed your training and shift work while being a single parent of a small child. So it made total sense for the grandmother to help. Though maybe it would have been better had she moved in with you or you her.

So yes you both need therapy. He probably should understand the context you were in. He is now an adult. You didn't abandon him and tried to spend as much time as possible. He need to understand your circumstances and what it meant to be 21 and studying to be a nurse. Would it have been better if you just went on benefits and raised him like that? Obviously you were older and circumstances were different by the time your daughter came along. You didnt privilege her as much as life was different.

I voted you are being unreasonable.by mistake.
Stop beating yourself up about your son, many people make mistakes, and you own yours.
Plus don't listen to those enjoying sticking the knife in in this thread
You can only go from here, you were young when you had him alone.Where was his father and why is he not being pillared for his lack of help at the time?
Just do the best you can tell yours on that is what you are doing.He needs to get on with his life and enjoy what he does have.

I thought this. Grandparents raising grandchildren while their parents work, oftentimes abroad, is very normal in a lot of countries.

OP did what she thought was best under the circumstances she was in. It is what it is, and she can’t change the past. It doesn’t sound like the son particularly wants to build bridges with his mother, but to destroy the relationship between his mother and his sister. He’s not looking to heal, but to inflict hurt.