To have yelled like absolute hell at my five year old

[wehaveafire]

I probably was but JFC

We have had a slow day admittedly but he was out all day yesterday, Wednesday and Tuesday, plus his sports club Monday.

Today I took them to a cafe with a small kids play area for breakfast, home for lunch and that’s when the problems started. Wouldn’t stop talking, absolutely incessant ‘look at me look at me look at me’ jumping on the sofa, jumping off the sofa, running round the room, asking the same question over and over, running around …

I ended up yelling like a possessed woman after numerous nice requests to calm down and sit down went ignored

I am sure I was UR

He has finally stfu

I know it’s hard, but who’s won that you’ve yelled at him, and now you’re here cos you’re not sure how you feel.

whst did he have for lunch because you said that’s when the problem started.

Pasta. The trouble didn’t start after lunch though it’s been ongoing since he was born this morning!

Can your 5 year old occupy himself at home? You sound like you are putting yourself under pressure to entertain and provide activities.
Is he generally very energetic and is there space outdoors at home to play?

At 5, if typically developing, he should know not to jump on and off furniture.
If there are clear rules and boundaries and positive rewards in place there should be no need for shouting. By then you’ve lost control and there’s no benefit to anyone.
I know it’s exhausting but nearly the end of the holidays.

With the repetitive questioning you can set a limit e.g.same one twice then ignore or say told you. If about when where etc use a visual family calendar with plans to direct him to. You can use planned ignoring for some low level behaviour but obviously not jumping on furniture.

Honestly it's been a long summer and it's OK to lose your cool sometimes. I know MN doesn't allow it and I'm not "normalising" shouting at children but it happens.
You're worrying about it which shows you care. 5 year olds are relentless, ungrateful beasts sometimes! It doesn't matter how many things you plan/ trips out you have/ money you spend, it's exhausting keeping them entertained and engaged and it's OK x

There could be an underlying reason for his hyperactivity if it has been going on since he was born but some children just need to be ‘trained’ to be calm rather than pick it up instinctively.

Does he have lots of drawing, crafting, reading, puzzles, board games and things to get on with? Once it’s time to be calm DC knows it’s either playing nicely with toys or sat doing a quiet activity like these, running and jumping around is for outside.

Sometimes parenting is hard, as long as you apologise and explain his behaviour made you frustrated you aren’t unreasonable to have shouted and it teaches him that adults have to manage their feelings too. It’s just when it’s a pattern of shouting that it becomes a problem because they won’t listen until you get cross.

I don’t think shouting is ever great (it can literally rewire their brains if it happens a lot) but also hate the mumsnet shaming of women who are clearly at the end of their tethers.

Saying that, my kid is autistic and would never ask me to look at something they are doing, and can’t talk. So without wanting to be a dick about it, I’d be trying to practice gratitude in your situation.

Doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to be frustrated, but try and keep some perspective. Life isn’t as hard as all that.

Re the shouting, sounds like you need a break!

I’m so glad parents were allowed to shout when mine were little - even in public!

It won’t do him any harm at all. Stick Bluey on and have a chocolate/gin/fag break..

Look, small kids know how to push boundaries and press our buttons. Never in the history of the world would anyone have thought it was wrong to shout at a small child who wasn’t behaving. In past he’d have got a smack as well.
As long as you are clear and consistent, that is what matters. If he’s allowed to run wild most days but one day you yell at him, that’s confusing. Set clear boundaries and stick to them.

Ditto. Shouted at mine a lot, they are all now in their thirties and show no sign of having been harmed by it at all.

They were a right lot of little buggers and if I hadn't yelled now and again I doubt I would still have a house.

If he was jumping on the sofa, then no, of course you weren’t being unreasonable. If an apology is needed from anyone, it’s from your son - at five he’s perfectly old enough to know thst it’s not acceptable to jump on furniture

It's that stage of the summer holidays, it's been hot and tiring and everyone's tempers are getting frayed. So long as you're not yelling all the time - not nice for the kids and also loses its effect - YANBU.

I think we need to bring back shouting at kids

YABVU. A five year old being a five year old does not deserve verbal abuse. I hope you’ve apologised.

The joys of being a parent.

My brother never did what he was told until Mum lost it and shouted. Even now (he has just retired) he says he knew he could carry on doing/not doing as he was told until that point. Other threats or punishments were water off a duck's back until she yelled and God knows she tried all sorts. He was a mummy's boy until the day she died.

My aunt used to advise me... "everything is always better in the open air." and I found that it did work. I had two whirlwinds at the time.. and really it was just like a dog needing a walk... desperate to zoom about for a bit.
It's not always convienient though and when you are tired it, its sometimes the last thing you want to do, but try it.
The other trick was to bring drinks and small snacks like a small sandwhich or something. It didn't spoil their dinner but it did stop them being Hangry.
I also realised that when I got cross and raised my voice at them... how do you top that? There's a limit.. so getting them to stop by shouting is just wearing you outl... and if they learn that's what they should respond to.. you have to keep upping your effort on it, which doesn't work at all and is horrible for both of you.
So you have to switch to the lower the tone voice

Also.. if its because they are desperate for attention, its less exhausting to get down on your knees or sit them down. Hold both hands and look right in the eye. and say "what is it you want to say. " Then they've got it all out and soon get bored with the talking. Maybe thats the time to read them a book or something. Actually Audio books are brilliant for that. We'd start the audio book in the bath... and they'd be interested in the story so that by the time they'd been tucked up and you could put it on a timer and collapse.. It really helped get my most hyperactive one to sleep.
Another tried and tested summer holidays thing is take him for a good long swim. It really tires them out.. Or a bike ride picnic (if you can go on relatively safe roads) . Or one of those tennis balls on a stick

However, this is just what worked with mine. Parenting is trial and error and never perfect... I had a list I ran through, hungry, bored, tired, frustrated, needs exercise, fed up after arguing, over excited, wants attention... and I'd try to address which ever one seemed most likely.
You have all my sympathy though, its not easy, we are not mind readers. They are not communication experts (yet). As many other pps have said, its been a LONG hot summer and you are probably both a bit frazzelled. He's shooting up at five and sometimes its just a growth spurt.. and I think its also a sign that he's really really ready for school and seeing lots of new people and challenges.
One tip that really helped me stop the post school freak outs, was to have a little snack and a drink ready at pick up as they sometimes unload on you because they've had to sit still and listen to instructions and the whole pent up energy comes tumbling out. They may have been too excited to eat much and get Hangry,,,but the drink snack thing worked for us. You can get him in the habit of having a run around when he gets in and then a quiet time.

You did the right thing having a vent about it, helps you move on. It will get easier I promise. Wishing you and your tearaway all the best x

At the end of the day, when all is (fingers crossed) calmer , have a “what could we both have done differently today “chat with him.

Then draw a line under it.

And forgive yourself. It’s hard having kids and you are only human

Hope the day gets better ☺️

We've all done it. No worries.

Poor kid

I'm often surprised how many people think it's OK to shout at their children

Men used to excuse domestic abuse by saying their wives were pressing their buttons / pushing them to the limit. We've moved on from that, thankfully

When angry / frustrated? Would you shout at your boss? Your sister? Your Mum? If not, then it's your choice to lose the rag and shout at your kids

If my boss, my sister or my mum perpetually ignored requests to do something differently; if they were behaving in an off the wall way which impacted my health and well being, if they knew better but still persisted in doing something they knew I didn't want them to - damn right I'd yell at them.

Why? Why would this help a mum asking for help? Give context. How many children do you have. How many hours do you have them alone. How do you set boundaries?

why just pull someone down.

I have four children. I have a husband who works away so I solo parent the majority of the time.

do I want to shout at my children? Nope.

have I shouted at them? Yes.

not often, but when a situation arises where a danger occurs and nobody is listening then yes. I have.

what’s preferable? Ok run along the back of the sofa , it’s ok I will pick you up when you fall out the window. Natural consequences.

yes of course run across the road after being taught and asked repeatedly to wait. The cars understand and will hit you gently.

sometimes a firm NO is needed.

@wehaveafire
Bless you! We've all been there! x

Don't beat yourself up.
My take on it is he has had a busy few days. He's now struggling to regulate his behaviour, because he's probably a bit wired, but not all kids know how to self regulate at that age. Downtime is really important, quiet activities or movie time. It can be hard to get them to do that when they are wired so meet half way with an activity that will hopefully quieten the behavior and wind down to a quieter activity.

Simon says is a good game, have them move like a tortoise, snake be a cat etc. Or musical statues. Anything that encourages lowering of voice and energy levels x

i can’t imagine many of us want to shout at our children but the vast majority of us will at some time. Don’t beat yourself up - it is okay to not be perfect and it is okay to show your children it is okay not to be perfect too.

Don’t beat yourself up, you know it’s not ideal but it’s done now. Can he self-entertain usually? I’ve only had girls but my husband says that at that age he needed to be outside constantly to burn energy, he couldn’t play without constant attention in the house. They had a fenced in garden and he had a ball, goal net, bike, scooter, trampoline etc and his Mum would just throw him outside 🤣.