Potted history: my grandad is the father of my dad, who was completely absent from my life til my late teens, then broke my heart by moving hundreds of miles away just when we were connecting and starting a relationship. There was a lot more to it than that, including him being aloof and hurtful in things he said sometimes. I haven’t spoken to him in years. I don’t have contact with my mum or that side of my family due to abuse of every single kind when I was a child.
So. My grandad and I have maintained some kind of contact over the years- letters and cards here and there, emails, and meet ups a few times. He is now in an elderly people’s home about an hour from me. I’ve gone up there twice to visit but it takes me a lot of psyching myself up to be able to go. His side of the family, all his children and my cousins and aunts etc are all really close, and there’s photos of them around his place and it devastates me that I’m the odd one out who never got to have that. He’s fine to talk to but the fact that I have no contact with his son makes me feel awkward (despite him always being respectful of it). My aunt lives around the corner from him and she blows hot and cold with me. I saw her a year ago and she was all keen to meet up again but then nothing. The whole situation is just so wrought with emotion that I find dipping my toe in that family really hard.
because he is so old now (90s) and is something of a ticking time bomb due to a health issue, I keep feeling this urgency to go and visit, but then I get really anxious and can’t find it in me to go. It’s stressing me out.
Any advice would be very welcome.