To not visit my very elderly grandad?

[HarveytheWhale]

Potted history: my grandad is the father of my dad, who was completely absent from my life til my late teens, then broke my heart by moving hundreds of miles away just when we were connecting and starting a relationship. There was a lot more to it than that, including him being aloof and hurtful in things he said sometimes. I haven’t spoken to him in years. I don’t have contact with my mum or that side of my family due to abuse of every single kind when I was a child.

So. My grandad and I have maintained some kind of contact over the years- letters and cards here and there, emails, and meet ups a few times. He is now in an elderly people’s home about an hour from me. I’ve gone up there twice to visit but it takes me a lot of psyching myself up to be able to go. His side of the family, all his children and my cousins and aunts etc are all really close, and there’s photos of them around his place and it devastates me that I’m the odd one out who never got to have that. He’s fine to talk to but the fact that I have no contact with his son makes me feel awkward (despite him always being respectful of it). My aunt lives around the corner from him and she blows hot and cold with me. I saw her a year ago and she was all keen to meet up again but then nothing. The whole situation is just so wrought with emotion that I find dipping my toe in that family really hard.

because he is so old now (90s) and is something of a ticking time bomb due to a health issue, I keep feeling this urgency to go and visit, but then I get really anxious and can’t find it in me to go. It’s stressing me out.

Any advice would be very welcome.

Have you considered unpacking all of this with a therapist?

If he has lots of people visiting him then it’s ok to take a back seat.

They got the best of him for years so it’s natural that they should be there at his ‘worst’ (so to speak).

People do move away though. I wouldn’t hold it against him that he moved away unless he moved away specifically to be close to a different grand child, which seems unlikely.

I would visit him once more at a time when he is likely to be alone and see how you get on. If it upsets you or it doesn’t feel right, you don’t need to go back, or maybe just go once a year, ariund Christmas.

It sounds like you had a very tough childhood and I am so sorry you had to endure that.

Based on that I would say don’t go if if brings everything up for you. Yes technically it might be the “right” thing to go visit a very elderly man in a care home, but not if it stirs up a lot of trauma for you due to things that happened when you were too young to have any control.

You will probably get lots of contrary responses- quite a lot of people seem to think that the elderly get a free pass on everything, but you have to take care of yourself first.

I agree that he probably hasn't got a photo because OP hasn't given him one. Given the family circumstances, there may well not have been the usual school photo or holiday snaps and as an older man, he's not likely to be up to modern photo apps or those machines in Boots.

A) does he have any nice ones to put up?

B). Often, decision about the little things that go into a bag to take into an old peoples home to create a “home in a room” are made by other people (daughters, usually). The moving of the personal bits and pieces is consumed by the enormous event happening to them that those little things pass them by.

Also, men aren’t the ones who normally create a home. They live in the home that their wife created. See my point above.

So, C) give him one. In a nice frame. And put it somewhere he can see it.

If you think he loves you and would like to see you because he likes you and you like him because he’s a nice bloke and he possibly did the best he could in a fractured landscape, I would go. Take a cake, chat about what you’ve been doing, allow him the opportunity to be proud of you.

I do not ignore the world of hurt you have had to live with and the depth of your feelings.

This.

@HarveytheWhale

If you framed the next visit, as your very last, as a "final, say goodbye" to him then, could that, give you the closure you'd feel comfortable with?

Why not just keep all of them up?

Presumably, he hasn’t got a photo of you up because he hasn’t been given one?
He’s done nothing wrong so I’d go and see him if it was me.

If it were me I would go, you can always hold your head high and remember you did right by him in his final days then no regrets when he does pass. Take a photo of you both together and send him one. He was probably given all his other photos!

Like others have said I would go, but put a limit on your time there and build in some recovery time afterwards. But equally, if it's too much, don't feel guilty if you don't go. Just know that he is being cared for, he is OK, and if it upsets you too much you can simply think of him, wish him well afar, and be kind to yourself, as I'm sure he would want for you.

Came on to suggest this. Perhaps one final goodbye visit (in your own head, obviously) will close this chapter for you and alllow you to look back without regret.

This 100%

It depends whether you will feel any guilt for not seeing him once he’s died. Only you can answer that.

She just said he didn’t have any photos of her when he does of everyone else. They’ve had a limited relationship over the years. So I think we can all confidently say that he and the rest of the family aren’t bothered.

👊🏽

Go. You say that he's good to talk to, and that he's respectful of you. So the reasons not to go aren't about him.

Take a framed photo of you, and also take a selfie of you both while you're there. You can print that to send to him.

I would feel too awkward to turn up with a framed photo of myself for him!

but yes a selfie together would be nice

Why don’t you write to him? A chatty letter giving him your news. You could also outline your regrets that you didn’t have the relationship with him or you dad that you perhaps would have wished for. Ask him if he would like you to visit. Either enclose a SAE and or your phone / email. Tell him to ask a carer to help him if necessary to get in Touch with you if he wants you to visit. Follow the letter up with the care home to find out . He might be old sschool and doesn’t show his feelings and emotions but may care deeply for you and also regret lost opportunities to build a relationship with you and his son as he would have wished. Pop a photo in your letter. Also suggest you unpick all this with a therapist. Wishing you all the best .

This

This is a lovely idea.
DPs really enjoy getting cards and photos in the care home and it gives me something to do reading them out. You don’t need to mention the idea of visiting unless you’re sure you want to do it. You may not get any response - depending on why he’s there he may not be capable of replying, but it’s a great way to show him you’re thinking of him without causing yourself distress.

I've got loads, baby photos, school, graduations, weddings, more babies so it starts again etc. so I change them round. New school photo arrived, Christening photos arrive. It's nice to put them up but then it's making sure everyone is there. At the moment one of the photos is two cousins so if I take that down I need to make sure there is a photo of each going up. As I said I know one DIL definitely checks them out and has asked if I got DGDs latest school photo. It is so easy for MIL to cause offence to DIL. I try to make sure no one is upset but it is easy to get it wrong. At the moment toddler GS likes handling the ones he can reach so I might put them away when he's here and then If I don't immediately put them back up and the wrong person visits you have innocently upset them.

I think it is difficult as I have two sets of GC close in age so the mums do check for equality with them particularly, I can see them inspecting them. Then you get fewer updates of the ones who are grown up compared to the babies/toddlers.

My son's don't seem bothered but maybe they go off upset and don't tell me.it is so easy to get this stuff wrong. I also think MIL stories on herei might have made me paranoid.

I get in well with them so I must be getting it right most of the time.

He has kept in contact with you over the years while sadly you do not have contact with other family members. I think it would be good if you could keep visiting him and keep in touch. You don’t need to stay long. He may appreciate your visits more than you think.

Go and see him. Better to regret the things you did than the things you didn’t.

Was your grandad there for you when you were growing up? Because if my DS had a child and abandoned him/her there is no way I wouldn’t do everything I could to have a relationship with that child. It doesn’t sound like your grandad has ever really put himself out for you even if he is amiable, and I don’t think that you owe him anything. Only go if it makes you feel happier than not going. I’m sorry about your situation.