AIBU to be devastated at my ex claiming CB to block me receiving it. I'm on UC he earns 120k+

[Heartbrokenanddevastated]

My ex earns six figures. I was absolutely blindsided by the break up. As a SAHM I was financially dependent, having invested all my money into our shared home. I am now on benefits, absolutely financially cut off. After months of him withholding our DC. We now have court ordered 50 50. My ex when we were together told me not to bother claiming child benefit as due to his high income it would have to be repaid.

I tried to claim CB, and discovered he is claiming it, despite having to repay it all through the high income charge. So no benefit for our child. He wont transfer it to me, despite my needing it, and him not even receiving the money. HMRC say they wont change the decision. I believe he would rather see me in poverty. My solicitor was appalled someone could be like this. Can I challenge the decision? Anyone else been in this awful situation? It feels like a continuation of deliberate financial control.

I’d prioritise getting a job and not being financially dependent on this man.

CB goes to the parent with main responsibility. Things like what address is registered with school, doctors, dentist. Who takes them to appointments, organises prescriptions, appointments, signs school forms etc. If this is you, start gathering evidence. Alongside any evidence write a very clear firm statement about why this puts you and child in financial hardship in comparison to him.

I don’t understand how he can even claim it? Both me and partner are on over 100k and we can’t claim a single thing! Most we get is the 15 hours. Not complaining - I just don’t understand how he can claim?

You can claim CB with any income. If you earn over the threshold you can either claim it without payment or pay it back.

What an utter cunt he is.

CB is more than just an amount of money as many people have already pointed out and has many other benefits/responsibilities so I would fight tooth and nail to get it transferred over to you.

My ds has just been given a place in a specialist provision and when organising his transport I learned that they will only transport him to and from the home that receives the child benefit, even if the child lives between 2 homes.

OP did you move out and leave the children in the family home with him when you split up?

By her own admission they are 50/50

Unless she perjures herself that won't change.

There's been a few threads on here recently of women greedily chasing CM drill father's who are 50/50. It didn't end well.

She should challenge the CB because that seems reasonable

HMRC can’t split CB. The only way your friend and ex could get half each would be if one claimed and split it themselves.

That’s really mean of him & surely you can challenge the decision?

Could you not work if you only have 1 child 50/50? I think your best option would be to go full time.

I find it weird the new wife wants to live in what was your shared home. Do they have other children?

This will never happen. He doesn’t earn enough and he won’t be liable for her costs.

I thought you couldn't claim CB at all if your earnings are over 80k? If he earns a 6 figure sum as you say.... so it should be you claiming CB? Gingerbread should be able to help you on this

You can claim it with any income at all. If you earn over the thresholds you can opt to claim but not receive payment or you can pay it back later.

@Heartbrokenanddevastated What are your current earnings, OP? Can you push them up at all?
Obviously you can't expect to rely on benefits forever and you won't be in receipt of child maintenance.

not voluntarily. he threw me out. no discussion.

@Heartbrokenanddevastated Where are you living now?

for a year i had to move between family, hotels & airbnbs to ever see my DC as he wouldn't let me care for DC in the house, sometimes had to sleep in my car when not with them. I feel so ashamed. I'm now renting but it's hard to afford and crippled with debt from legal fees from everything he's dragging me through, its a shit show.

It was your home too, you owned it. What he did wasn’t legal. Did you never call the police or go to a solicitor about that behaviour?

Sorry - it’s all moot now, but if his abusive behaviour is on file somewhere then that may help when you challenge the CB. You can show he is abusive and this is one of the ways he is doing that. They’ve been challenged before on that issue.

Yes, legally speaking, as you also owned the house he couldn't just kick you out. I know in reality he still did. So definitely raise this with your solicitor. This man is incredibly abusive and he needs to be challenged and stopped (through the courts).

I'm wondering if the police could potentially arrest him for some kind of abuse/domestic abuse charge. It sounds like he's done enough to warrant it...worth looking into this.

OP, you need to gather all copies of documentation in chronological order of all that you have gone through, financially and otherwise.

Contact Women's aid and ask for advice about reporting him for Coercive control and financial abuse.

If you report this to the police and make a statement, you may be eligible for legal aid.

Talk to your MP and ask for support.

He has deliberately ripped you off and you need to start fighting back.

Get every bit of proof together that you can.

What he did is likely a crime.
You have nothing to lose by reporting it.

Yes. This is what I'd do.

OP please report him to the police for coercive and controlling behaviour- the financial abuse would come under this.

Google your area and domestic abuse support - it should show you who your local domestic abuse organisation are. Contact them and self-refer for support. You can also contact Women's Aid or The National Domestic Abuse Helpline, but you may find your local one is able to offer you in-person support, which can be invaluable when you're feeling so vulnerable. Otherwise, if you report to the police, they should refer you to their local contracted DA service/Victim Support.

Once you're engaging with your local DA service, you should be able to get a letter than will help you find out whether you are entitled to Legal Aid. The letter shows you're a victim of DA, which is needed for the Legal Aid application. Whether you're entitled depends on finances as well, but it is worth at least finding out if that is an option as if it is, it would lessen your burden.

The local DA service can also help support you with the post-separation abuse you're experiencing with regard to your DC.

Lastly, I would highly recommend listening to or reading He Said, She Said by Dr Charlotte Proudman (a renowned family law barrister).

I found the family law advice offered by Rights of Women to be extremely helpful. The advisors are volunteer professional women with legal qualifications.You will most likely need to wait or try several times before you get through but it is very worthwhile (and free).

Here is a link to numbers for the family law advice lines:
https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

Absolutely shitty thing for him to do.
If I were in your situation I would draft a short factual statement about the CB and email/text it to everyone who knows him. Bullies hate being outed.

A very similar situation, OP. My wealthy ex-husband changed the locks to the marital home within hours of me saying it was over. Police advised only way back in was to smash windows to the property which I wasn't prepared to do as my kids had been through enough stress.
Now a decade on and I'm now happily remarried, even though we are still privately renting as can't afford to buy.
He can stick his million pound house, hot tub and swimming pool up his derriere; I have love, happiness and freedom! None of which he could ever give me 💪 ❤️

I've been reading this thread all morning as there are so many similarities to my own situation.

ExH also locked me out of my own home and stayed there with my DC. We got divorced, but never got a clean break order because he refused to accept the fact that the court wouldn't sign off the financial agreement because they said it was unfair. I couldn't afford to keep fighting him and he openly admitted he'd drag it out to ensure I spent as much money as possible. He was arrested for coersive control shortly after we split up and social services actually said I needed to get the DC away from him, which was easier said than done when he was living in the house he'd thrown me out of.

That was 6 years ago, but he still abuses the CMS and CB system to financially control me (DC1 is now an adult and rarely sees their father, DC2 still lives with their Dad, but is due to leave soon and is counting down the days). Unfortunately the whole system seems designed to allow parents who are that way inclined to financially punish the non-resident parent.