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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to demand an explanation?

82 replies

mermalaid · 27/06/2008 21:29

I just took my 3 year old from her father who'd been trying to put her to bed, she was very upset - nothing too unusual for a 3 year old going to bed. As I held her she aid 'daddy hurt me' and pointed clearly to between her legs. Now she does have an imagination but this was very clear. She repeated when I asked again, at least twice. And in front of her dad. I know he sometimes doesn't know his own strength and it has occurred to me he could have pulled her pants up a bit sharpe and hurt her like that. But I've suggested that and he says no. I've told him he must think carefully about what exactly happened upstairs, why she became upset and why she would say he'd hurt her and point between her les. I've said he must give me an explanation but he's just shugging his shoulders and saying he doesn't no like i should just forget about it. I really don't know what to do. She fell asleep in my arms and is now peacefully asleep in bed. Where on earth do i go from here? My gut instink is that this is completely innocent, I dont believe he has perversions at all. I suspect he was jut a bit rough and caught her in a funny place. But at the very least I need him to confirm and admit it. Help please!

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singyswife · 27/06/2008 21:31

No advice but am bumping the thread for you. Hope you get it resolved.

nametaken · 27/06/2008 21:34

mermalaid you say your gut instinct is that he is completely innocent. If that really was your gut instinct would you be posting this thread now?

LuckySalem · 27/06/2008 21:36

I'm sorry I don't know how to help but I hope someone does and your little daughter is ok now.

mermalaid · 27/06/2008 21:38

my daughter told me her daddy hurt her and pointed between her legs, what i think of him and what she said are kind of in conflict right now. They were only uptair together for a few mins

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singyswife · 27/06/2008 21:38

Did you check 'down there' I would have thought if anything untowards had happened it would have been glaringly obvious. The fact she said it in front of daddy would lead me to think it was something innocent though.

mermalaid · 27/06/2008 21:42

I want him to give me an explanation that he did something unintentionally which hurt her - like pulling her pants up to sharpe - but he's not doing. I don't want to speak to friends or family cause i know it would forever effect their judgement of him

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anneme · 27/06/2008 21:43

In many ways you need to say those last 4 sentences to him "My gut instinct...." etc. It probably is totally innocent (my 4yr old wil say things like "Daddy/Mummy hurt/pushed etc me" when it is clear this did not really happpen ie the other parent was there.)
Sometimes when children are really pushing it adults can act more strongly than they mean and children interpret this in a way that the adult would not mean iyswim. Her Dad might feel silly that he over reacted and he might think that it is nothing - indeed it may well not be anything but you need to talk to him so it does not hang over you and become something big. She has gone off peacefully to sleep and that is a good thing
hope it all works out

mermalaid · 27/06/2008 21:43

I didn't check her, he was so upset I just wanted to comfort her

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MingMingtheWonderPet · 27/06/2008 21:44

I understand what nametaken is saying.
If I had had this conversation with DD I would not think anything further of it, and certainly I would not think that anything untoward had happened between her and my DH.
Perhaps I am being too trusting, but I don't think so. Families can't survive without trust.

Think about what you really think happened, and although we should all listen to our kids, perhaps in this instance it is just nothing.

mermalaid · 27/06/2008 21:47

yes, like i've never had any cause to question his intention or behaviour, and she loves her daddy and is happy when she's with him and she say all kinds of wonderfully imaginative stuff, but I dont think she'd so clearly point to between her legs without her own reason

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lucyellensmum · 27/06/2008 21:48

Jesus wept!! he is probably fucking gob smacked right now

ChukkyPig · 27/06/2008 21:49

Have you warned her about people touching her there? Maybe she has just got a hold of that and realises it is important and so has said it?

I don't know, just trying to think of another explanation.

mermalaid · 27/06/2008 21:49

i really hope it is nothing! but she told me he hurt her and pointed to her privates, i feel he has to give me an explanation otherwise what kind of a mother am i?

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mermalaid · 27/06/2008 21:52

no we've never talked about things like that, she's happy and comfortable running around naked and is use to seeing us that way and her day washing her and all that, I hope she hasn't a clue how loaded what she said was

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Josephnia · 27/06/2008 21:52

Ny dd is 4 and a bit of a "princess and the pea" drama queen iykwim. There is a big drama brushing her hair or if you accidnentally poke her whilst getting out of the car seat etc etc including hysterical crying "you hurt me, you hurt me " etc. IMO if this is just such an occasion nothing to worry about - presumably this is the first time ....? I can imagine you have all sorts of things going through your mind right now but I would give dh the benefit of the doubt just this once....
I appreciate it would put your mind more at rest if he talked to you about it - maybe he feels a bit bad because he hurt her....?My dh can get short tempered sometimes when tired and absolutely yells at dh. She adores her dad and will sob for ages. If I try to discuss with dh about not taking his bad mood out on her he'll shrug and not say much either I guess cos he feels a bit guilty....

mermalaid · 27/06/2008 21:57

most defo the first time, and i honestly don't believe anything terrible has happened and yes knowing him he's probably bricking it and hoping abomb will drop outside our house or anything just to take my attention away from him, but i can't hear that from my little girl and not make damn sure nothig has happened can i?

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anneme · 27/06/2008 22:05

make it clear to him that you are not accusing him of anything, you just want to understand what happened. You could make the point to him that it helps if he talks to you so that if she mentions it to you again you know how to react/explain

ChukkyPig · 27/06/2008 22:06

It's such a tricky one.

We all know what the stats say about abuse in the home.

Not suggesting for one moment that this is happening.

If I were you I would let it drop on this occasion, but keep an eye one things.

Wander in while he's putting her to bed, that sort of thing.

I'm sure he is fine and so your wanderings will be harmless. And that will reassure you.

I don't know why but I am very much aware of this sort of thing going on. It is possible to utterly trust your partner, but be cautious at the same time. I hope that makes sense. Same goes for granny granddad aunty uncle brother etc. If any were alone nappy changing etc I would definitely wander in a bit from time to time.

But I suspect I won't be worried about her playing out /walking to school or whatever when she's older.

getmeouttahere · 27/06/2008 22:08

Christ, not another one.

ChukkyPig · 27/06/2008 22:09

Another one?

mermalaid · 27/06/2008 22:09

i think i'll find it rather hard to make him feel like i'm accusing him, i'm upset, the little one was upset and i want him to put it right! going to take a deep breath and go try to talk to him I think

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mermalaid · 27/06/2008 22:11

getmeouttahere - 'Christ, not another one.

what do you mean please?

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wheresthehamster · 27/06/2008 22:12

You beat me to it!!

Psychomum5 · 27/06/2008 22:14

just to say.....

my DD1 said this at the same age.

turned out daddy had wiped her bum a little too hard after taking her to the toilet.

and all this came out after I took her to the doctors!!!.

sometimes there really is inocent explanations.

mermalaid · 27/06/2008 22:16

i'm almot sure there is an innocent explanation - I just want him to give it to me!

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