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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to demand an explanation?

82 replies

mermalaid · 27/06/2008 21:29

I just took my 3 year old from her father who'd been trying to put her to bed, she was very upset - nothing too unusual for a 3 year old going to bed. As I held her she aid 'daddy hurt me' and pointed clearly to between her legs. Now she does have an imagination but this was very clear. She repeated when I asked again, at least twice. And in front of her dad. I know he sometimes doesn't know his own strength and it has occurred to me he could have pulled her pants up a bit sharpe and hurt her like that. But I've suggested that and he says no. I've told him he must think carefully about what exactly happened upstairs, why she became upset and why she would say he'd hurt her and point between her les. I've said he must give me an explanation but he's just shugging his shoulders and saying he doesn't no like i should just forget about it. I really don't know what to do. She fell asleep in my arms and is now peacefully asleep in bed. Where on earth do i go from here? My gut instink is that this is completely innocent, I dont believe he has perversions at all. I suspect he was jut a bit rough and caught her in a funny place. But at the very least I need him to confirm and admit it. Help please!

OP posts:

getmeouttahere · 27/06/2008 22:49

What has John Leslie got to do with this ?? LOL.

lucyellensmum · 27/06/2008 22:51

desi

madamez · 27/06/2008 22:52

While I would never very rarely suggest that anyone prioritize a DPs feelings over a child's feelings, in this case given what you have said about your DDbeing genreally happy around her dad, I would suggest you let it go rather than treat her father like an abuser. It may very well have been an accidental contact that your DP doesn't even remember. Think for a minute about how you would feel if your DD said that you had hurt her vagina and your DP questioned you about it for the rest of the evening.
My DS went through a spell of accusing everyone at his nursery of hurting him: there had been some previous incidents of another child bullying him, which was dealt with, and then he went through a spell of telling me tales of every kid there 'hurting' him which got more and more elaborate until he ended up giggling.

TheMagnificent7 · 27/06/2008 22:53

Desiderata that really ws insensitive, and this really isn't the thread for it. Please go away. You're a bully.

mermalaid, I am sure your story is totally genuine. MN is a good place for advice in general. If you can find the thread from a couple of days ago there were some very useful telephone numbers to deal with your dilemma in confidence, without setting all of the alarm bells ringing. It'll be nothing I'm sure

Desiderata · 27/06/2008 22:53

Oh, lucy, don't give me that emoticon. I truly hate it!!

I am referring to another thread, which TM7 is familiar with.

OK?

Psychomum5 · 27/06/2008 22:53

my personal opinion is that all this is entirly innocent.

if she had pointed to her knee, you would have just thought that maybe he had knocked her while carrying her.

if she had pointed to under her arms, you would have just thought he picked her up to roughly!

if she had pointed to her *head(, you would have just wondered if he had walked thro a door carrying her too close to the door frame......

BUT

she pointed 'down there', and so you instantly assume the worst, even tho otherwise you would no doubt trust your AND DD with your lives!!!!

please don;t......you need more proof than this.

YES, there are bad men out there....many of them.....but truly, they are not as common as the media would lead you to believe.

take it from me, do not upset things with yur DH, nor risk your family, unless there is more 'issues' than just a little girl pointing to 'down there'.

Desiderata · 27/06/2008 22:55

Yeees, I'm a bully, TM7.

How brave you are, under your new name

lucyellensmum · 27/06/2008 22:59

well desi they don't have a poking tongue out emoticon and im sorry but we have to assume the OP is genuine, even though i have expressed my concerns. ok?

Desiderata · 27/06/2008 23:01

Yes, yes, the benefit of the doubt, and all that.

TinkerbellesMum · 27/06/2008 23:24

I just told my OH I could see this being us - not that I think he would hurt her, but he's terrible for not talking!

Have you said something to him like: "Look, I know you haven't 'done' anything, I know if you have hurt her it was an accident and you probably didn't even realise you did something, but I would prefer to know what it was that hurt her so that we can make sure you're a bit more gentle in future when doing whatever it was"?

Pyschomum reminded me of something Mum said about Dad, she said that she had to tell him to be gentle with me (first child/ daughter) because he would (by the sound of it) scrub me at nappy changes, going in all different directions and being quite hard. I think sometimes men don't know how to be gentle with girls.

madamez · 28/06/2008 00:25

I think it is more than possible for a parent to cause a child discomfort or even pain when cleaning the genital/anal area without that parent being any kind of sicko. Have you never accidentally scratched yourself when wiping, either through clumsiness, long fingernails or having a dose of thrush? I am very cautious of DS' willy and ringpiece when cleaning him, but there, but there have been times when he has objected (ifhe hadsome nappy rash for instance). While it's good that the possibility of parental abuse is generally acknowledged, it is very bad for people to assume it on very slight evidence (remember the horrors of Cleveland).

Original poster

mermalaid · 28/06/2008 15:52

Afternoon all... haven't you been busy.

For those who are interested, thankyou for your advice, it did help and make me think more rationally. I think any mother would be shocked and upset to hold her crying 3 year old and hear her say she was hurt and point to her privates 3 x's. I didn't accuse my dh of doing or being anything. And despite the shock and upset I was still feeling the most probably explanation was he was just a little rough unintentionally. But like a lot of them, he's often clueless to the effect of his own actions. To be honest - it just scared me whitless! Like OMG! what would I do!

I did speak to him. As you suggested I said I could understand him feeling hurt, and that I was not accusing him of anything and did not believe he was guilty of anything, but that what she had aid waurented an explanation. Had she said it to him about someone else he'd have reacted. I pointed out that he needed to think about what he may have done to lead to what she said as had she said it to someone else it could have had catastophic consequences - I thought that made me burst into tears. He remained indignant and hurt, deneying he could think of anything at all, but if I know him he 'll go away and considerate in his own time.

Everything is normal to day and she's absoluetly fine, now I'v thought about it she has been stating 'x' hurt me! occasionally and also often referring to her dad as a 'stinky smelly boy', which I've put down to some childrens converations at her nursery. Maybe there's a link there. So i'll leave the dust to settle...

As for those of you who questioned my motives and the legitomy of this post, I think yu should look alot closer to home before accuing others of talking rubbish out of boredom. But thankyou to those who offered words of support when a stranger needed them.

OP posts:

RubyRioja · 28/06/2008 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nooka · 28/06/2008 16:40

My dd has also said this the hip thing) of course as she is 7 it is easier to have a sensible conversation with her! Whilst not wanting to dismiss what was clearly a worrying time for mermalaid (glad you seem to have worked through it) I do think we have to be careful in interpreting what our children say, sometimes it is difficult to correlate our on actions with their complaints, let alone someone else's.

The only other thing that has struck me is how many mums here think their dh's are rougher than they are. Is this a slight case of mums are better than dads? I do think we have to be careful about this. It is incredibly easy to disempower your partner. I come at this from a slightly different perspective, as I recently got very upset by my dh when he suggested that it would be better for him to look after the children than me this summer (he has been a SAHD in the past). The clear implication being that he was better than me at caring for them. He denied this was what he was saying, but it is still what I heard, and I found it both upsetting and undermining. I think we should all be careful when starting to think that our ways of doing things is always better.

TheMagnificent7 · 28/06/2008 23:21

Glad it seems to be more settled for you. I'm relatively new here and finding the level of support is great, but marred by some horrible little bullies that do indeed need some introspection. People I know swear by it though, and my experience of this sort of behaviour is that it will disappear if we all show we dislike it. Perhaps they could ask us all for help with their anti-social problems and get some good suggestions like you did

Desiderata · 29/06/2008 00:14

Perhaps you could go to NetMums, Magnificent.

They'd love you there ...

TheMagnificent7 · 29/06/2008 00:18

There you go Desi. Didn't think you could sulk for long. Listen, read your profile. Would you like to have a chat about your issues. I'm going to stay here because I feel comfortable, and am enjoying giving an opinion.

You're a little aggressive. Do you drink ? I'm happy to talk if you are sober. I'll give you my email address if you can give a straight answer. Have you had a drink tonight ?

Desiderata · 29/06/2008 00:56

You are a weird one, aren't you!

Your posts are really quite creepy. You like to talk about people's 'issues', etc.

I don't think you're a new poster at all. I think you're a seasoned hand accompanied by a name-change. A seasoned hand, it should be said, with a superiority complex, if you imagine that I've been 'sulking,' over something you may have said to me.

I've been working all day. I came in at midnight. I am sober. I have, however, been serving drunks for some seven hours.

expatinscotland · 29/06/2008 00:58

Well, I'm sober as a judge, too. Insomniac and pregnant, but sober.

I'd have to agree with Desi here.

TheMagnificent7 · 29/06/2008 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mummy2olivia · 29/06/2008 17:37

I know shes not john leslies sister. Cos I'm his mum.

lucyellensmum · 29/06/2008 18:01

Desi and TM7 are you two best friends and i've missed some sort of "in" joke?

bubblagirl · 29/06/2008 18:23

im glad all was well but still the whole go away and think about what you may have done would still make me think your incriminating him as your still after some explanation

he may have carried her into bed not knowing that he'd pulled knickers by accident and caused it to pinch and how would he possibly know what he done

i think you need to let it drop you cant tell him you believe him but then still pester him for a reasson why she said that you need to let it go and worry if it ever occurs again but doesnt mean he cannot be trusted with her his her daddy and if no obvious signs of any wrong doing then leave it

dont keep asking for explantions ive dealt with ds before hurt him by accident not knowing what i had done i would have felt awful being told to go and think of what it may have been i would feel like i was being interrigated for some form of abuse dh probably feels the same accidently hurt her guilty as hell for that but now feels like an abuser

and has to find an explanation to prove otherwise he genuinly may not know

Original poster

mermalaid · 29/06/2008 19:16

I have let it drop, and now I've calmed down, I'm not demanding an explanation - I'm sure he hasn't a clue, which annoys me as he should have to be honest. I still stand by asking him to think about it, as he should make an effort to prevent her feeling that way again as if she did repeat such a thing to other people, such as staff at her nursery - the effect doesn't bear thinking off. Is it really much to ask that big men think about and are aware of what there doing around small children? They are after all our most precious things

OP posts:

Desiderata · 29/06/2008 23:36

There's no in-joke, lucy, believe me!

I have a feeling I know who he is though, and he's just name-changing for a bit of trollery.

He's done it before. I haven't had the benefit of the messages he's had deleted just after my name, as I've been at work. I'm sure they were most interesting!

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