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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to demand an explanation?

82 replies

mermalaid · 27/06/2008 21:29

I just took my 3 year old from her father who'd been trying to put her to bed, she was very upset - nothing too unusual for a 3 year old going to bed. As I held her she aid 'daddy hurt me' and pointed clearly to between her legs. Now she does have an imagination but this was very clear. She repeated when I asked again, at least twice. And in front of her dad. I know he sometimes doesn't know his own strength and it has occurred to me he could have pulled her pants up a bit sharpe and hurt her like that. But I've suggested that and he says no. I've told him he must think carefully about what exactly happened upstairs, why she became upset and why she would say he'd hurt her and point between her les. I've said he must give me an explanation but he's just shugging his shoulders and saying he doesn't no like i should just forget about it. I really don't know what to do. She fell asleep in my arms and is now peacefully asleep in bed. Where on earth do i go from here? My gut instink is that this is completely innocent, I dont believe he has perversions at all. I suspect he was jut a bit rough and caught her in a funny place. But at the very least I need him to confirm and admit it. Help please!

OP posts:

Josephnia · 27/06/2008 22:18

No of course not and I totally understand why you are worried! If she's in bed and asleep now leave til morning and see how things are between her and dh. We;re primed to protect our kids but I do think media leads us to think there are bad people absolutely everywhere. Just keep an eye on things.....you know your dh and your dd - one such incident does not necessarily mean child abuse....

Psychomum5 · 27/06/2008 22:18

he may not know......DH didn't realise he was wiping too hard until the doc figured it out!

seriously...men sometimes have no idea what they may have done until it is discovered...think of how many times he may have 'innocently' offended you...

Desiderata · 27/06/2008 22:19

There's been another thread on a similar vein, recently.

Sorry, but I don't buy it.

Original poster

mermalaid · 27/06/2008 22:20

good point, thank you Psychomum5 - how pee-d off with your dh were you?

OP posts:

wheresthehamster · 27/06/2008 22:21

Yep, think people are bored tonight

hellymelly · 27/06/2008 22:24

Could you maybe get her to elaborate? In a gentle way obviously,something like "poor old you getting upset last night,did Daddy bump you somehow?" My dd is three too and she does do the drama queen thing like the other poster mentioned,but I can usually get to the bottom of things by getting her to elaborate in a circumspect way.I completely see your point that you have to take it seriously even though it was almost definately nothing.good luck in putting your mind at rest.

TheMagnificent7 · 27/06/2008 22:25

Getmeoutahere, I think this one is slightly different (to the one posted a couple of days ago in the parenting section). The chap has had a chance to answer for himself, immediately, and hasn't really provided much of an answer. We all agree it's right to worry. But just before everyone runs down the abuse route, can I just ask what you would say to mermalaid if her child had said the same thing about her sister hurting her there, or a female carer. What I'm getting at, is is there an alternative suggestion that she could explore before letting the gender thing affect the answer.

By the way, hope it's all nothing mermalaid

Psychomum5 · 27/06/2008 22:28

I was horrified!

especially as I had actually been thro it (for real), with my stepdad.

I was utterly sick with fear....adn DH knew it too......it was a very horrible time.

once the doc spoke to DD tho, and I calmed down,(( and DH calmed down)), it was all ok again....thankgod!

I have to say, if MN had been about then, I may not have stayed so calm.....not saying that MN is bad (obviously), just that I had calm women friends telling me good things and encouraging me to the docs, (and women who knew DH too, rather than just MY HYSTERICAL side of the story....), rather than me blurting out scary stuff and helping me condemn him at the first hurdle IYGWIM.

sometimes there is nothing what-so-ever going on, and because of todays sad society, and the media, and our fears, we read far more than we should into situations like this!!!

I hope you understand what I am trying to say

Desiderata · 27/06/2008 22:28

Oh, believe me.

It's nothing.

wannaBe · 27/06/2008 22:29

first time poster?

wheresthehamster · 27/06/2008 22:30

First thing I checked

madamez · 27/06/2008 22:31

I think the wiping-too-hard could well be what happened - did he take her to the toilet in the course of the evening? i also think that it is possible that your DP is reacting by being a bit distant because he is (not entirely unreasonably) hurt and horrified that you could for one second think of him as an abuser.
You have said that in general she is a happy child with no apparent issues with her daddy. While most abuse happens in the home, that doesn't mean that most homes are abusive, it means that when abuse occurs, it's more in the home than from strangers. Let this one pass but if there is another one, investigate further.

PinkTulips · 27/06/2008 22:31

think this thread is in a very differant vein to the other one ladies... no need to accost the op. she's not suggesting her dp did anything untoward, just wants to understand why her dd said what she said.

mermalaid.... my dp used to brush our kids teeth so hard it was hurting them..... he didn't even realise he was doing it too roughly til i saw him doing it and gave out to him!

is she potty trained, because i'd imagine it was a bum wiping incident like phychmum's if she is.

Original poster

mermalaid · 27/06/2008 22:32

By wheresthehamster on Fri 27-Jun-08 22:21:12
Yep, think people are bored tonight
Do you seriousy think anyone would want to talk about this from boredom?

I dont want to prompt her into elaborating, I'm too worried i'd be putting ideas in her head that really shouldn't be there. I also know she spins a wonderful yarn and it might encourage her to use her imagination. I asked her clearly about 3 times and she repeated it clearly pointing to the same place each time, which wa her own action - I didn't prompt her or ask her to point at all

OP posts:

getmeouttahere · 27/06/2008 22:35

The problem is, for every time-waster there is a genuine soul crying out for help.

Unfortunately, the more people that cry wolf, the more the really needy get disbelieved.

I have no idea if this is a genuine thread.

I hope not, or that it is a storm in a teacup.

Desiderata · 27/06/2008 22:37

You seem very familiar with MN, mermalaid, and yet this would appear to be your first post.

Have you name-changed?

It's just that .. people who aren't being entirely genuine on this site, almost always forget to paragraph.

lucyellensmum · 27/06/2008 22:39

i just can't understand why you are posting here at all - My DD is nearly three, she is not potty trained yet, we both change her, so every possibility we might accidently catch her or something down there. If i demanded an explanation from my DP im sure he would be mortally offended and deeply hurt.

It does seem coincidental that there are two very similar threads running tonight, especailly as i have never seen this on mumsnet ever before and that both mothers have said something along the lines of "what sort of mother would i be if i ignored this"

I think this is a very sad indictment of modern society really and how we are brainwashed influenced, but the media

Original poster

mermalaid · 27/06/2008 22:41

yes Phchomum, I do understand what your saying and it helping! Thank you.

Madamez i think your right that he's feeling hurt, which is understandably - but right now just makes me want to throttle him cause its such a bloody man thing to put his own feelings first!!!!!!

I am a first time poster, I've known of mumsnet for a while as i know other memebers. This evening I just really needed to speak to people and ask their advice, without tarnishing my other halfs character forever. Those of you who have questioned that are letting a good side down.

Thank you for the words of calm reason and support, I'm pulking up the composure to try speaking to him as I know I can't sleep on it. I'lllet you know how we get on, thank you again

OP posts:

TheHerdNerd · 27/06/2008 22:43

I think you should have trusted him. He's never given you reason not to, after all.

The way things are going, how are us dads EVER supposed to feel trusted? I really like kids, and I'm a deeply silly person at heart and I love being silly with kids, but I don't dare with anybody else's kids.

When my daughter's old enough for me and her to go camping on our own, will I feel comfortable with that? What if she got scared and wanted to sleep in my bed? I'd feel weird. I'd be worried of being accused of something.

I think that I love her enough to disregard that worry, but I shouldn't have to feel it at all.

TheMagnificent7 · 27/06/2008 22:44

These threads aren't running on the same day, the other was started a acouple of days ago. I'm sure it's true, and I expect one led to the other. If it isn't then that's wrong, but if it is then a little more support please.

Desiderata has just decided that I am John Leslie, or might be a woman obsessed with him, on another thread so perhaps we can ignore their powers of deduction lol

On the other post, several people strongly recommended not questioning the child, which would seem to go against every instinct, but was repeated several times.

Psychomum5 · 27/06/2008 22:44

I would never have thought the things I did, I have to be honest, if I had not been thro what I had been thro!!!

but today, and todays media......it makes far too many of us feel as tho ALL men are thinking terrible thoughts, and yet, it is a minute amount.....truly!!!!

getmeouttahere · 27/06/2008 22:45

If this is genuine Mermalaid, then through no fault of your own, your timing is unfortunate.

Good luck.

TheHedgeWitch · 27/06/2008 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

lucyellensmum · 27/06/2008 22:46

"but right now just makes me want to throttle him cause its such a bloody man thing to put his own feelings first!!!!!!"

YEah right, i mean, how selfish of him You have more or less just accused him of abusing his daughter!!! If my DP even suggested i deliberately hurt my little girl, one of us would be packing our bags.

Take a step back from this, im not criticising you as i think everyone is hypersensitive about this sort of thing these days. I have had counselling for depression recently and the first thing i was asked was "did you have a happy childhood" - i kid you not. Honestly, don't push this, you could cause lasting damage to your relationship.

Desiderata · 27/06/2008 22:48

You are John Leslie.

Or his latest shag. I just can't decide which

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