To be annoyed at DH’s comments to DD’s BF?

[ProPickle]

Dd is 16 and she's had a bf for about 5 months. He's just turned 17 And at college, dd will go to the same college in a couple weeks

He's a nice polite lad and seems to treat DD really well but DH hates him and he came away with us and he's been picking at him and everything he does

He has long curly hair and would probably be considered a feminine man using those stereotypes which there's nothing wrong with. DH insists he's gay, DD has told us he's bisexual but he still insistshe's gay. When we were away he out of nowhere asked if he's ever dated a boy (?) bf awkwardly said yes then DH was asking how long they were together and he was saying not long and it wasn't serious so he doesn't consider it a proper relationship. Both myself and DD tried to change the subject and we were successful until later that night. He asked him what makes a relationship serious/does he consider his relationship with dd serious etc he seemed awkward and said he was tired and went for a shower.

Another occasion we were watching a film at the end of another day he had laid his head in dds lap and she was sort of playing with his hair and she told him she was jealous of his hair and DH out of nowhere asked if it was naturally curly, he then said he’d look better if he chopped it off as the bf shouldn't have better hair than his gf(?) it was late and we all ignored him tbh

He mocked the bf for being a “theatre kid” to me but bf likely overheard,

Then last night, our final night he was back on the dating a man talk, he asked him what's stopping him leaning dd and dating a man and he said he loves dd and just because he's attracted to men doesn't mean he finds every man on the planet attractive, dd laughed and dh didn't seem pleased

We went home today and DD was already upset, she won't say what's wrong but DH automatically assumed bf did something and he said to her how he wasn't happy BF talked back to him and told her she needs to break up with him before he leaves her this has made DD worse

It's herGCSE results tomorrow (she says this isn't the problem) and he seems go care more about her bf

AIBU to be annoyed?

Well bisexual men also love vulvas, and I assume that poster had one

He’s not gay though, he’s bisexual?

I didn't have an issue with him coming on holiday with us, yes they've only been together since April but they were friends previously. Dh has never shown any homophobia before.

You've disagreed with him - I would be telling him that his comments and behaviour are unacceptable, to me, to our daughter and to her boyfriend, so he needs to stop. You need to be absolutely clear.

Might be worth pointing out to DH that now she's seen his true colours if she has any issues she is highly unlikely to come to him. He's now just broken his DD's trust in him to be there for her if the relationship fails.

I started seeing someone when I was 16 and had told my parents about him but hadn’t introduced yet. One day my dad was picking me up from school and I was walking to the carpark with a friend who was not the guy I was seeing. When I got in the car my dad said to be ‘your not dating that curly hair freak are you, you are way to good for him’. Honestly 31 now and still not over that he could speak about anyone like that, he’s apologised lots over the years but I just seen such a hateful side to him.
Whether your DD breaks up with this guys tomorrow or they are together forever she’ll never forget this and it’ll tarnish their relationship. I hope he’s ok with that. Also telling pulling him up on it isn’t telling him it’s ok for guys to like the theatre. If my husband dared say anything like that to a guest of ours he wouldn’t be staying on the holiday.

Judging by some of the not at all subtle homophobia/biphobia on this thread the OP’s husband should set up his own account on Mumsnet as he’d feel right at home.

I don’t get why some people think this is just a dad who doesn’t want his daughter getting hurt. She’s just as likely to have her heart broken by a heterosexual boy as she is by a bisexual boy. Everyone does at some point anyway.

Your DH sounds like a dad from the 70s.

Another poster raised a good point. If my son came home and told me what had happened I’d ask if he really wants long term involvement (or even any further involvement) with your family.

@Treesandflower I think that was me, I said if I was the boy's mother and found out about this going on whilst my minor son was under another's family care I'd be furious.

My own 17 year old son is gay - unequivocally, never been interested in girls. We have discussed the attitude of actual or potential boyfriend's parents towards their son being gay or bisexual, because it is relevant at this age and has had an indirect affect on DS. I certainly wouldn't want him getting into a potential long term relationship with someone whose parents weren't cool with it, and whilst that is ultimately up to DS, he is aware of this as a red flag and wouldn't want that either.

The OP's daughter's boyfriend's sexuality aside, I would be very unhappy about another parent - who wasn't a relative or close friend of my family - asking either of my teenage or early 20s children about their sexuality or past dating history, regardless of whether the child is gay or heterosexual. I certainly wouldn't ask questions like that of my children's partners, and DH absolutely wouldn't. It's inappropriate, regardless whether it's also homophobic not.

Absolutely. My daughter is a lesbian, came out to us when she was 12 now a young adult and never wavered from that. I’d be very angry and disturbed if someone she was dating took her home to meet their parents and they started questioning her about her sex life, saying hateful offensive things to her and upsetting her like that. I’d ideally want her to get the fuck out of that mess. Actually thinking about it, the same applies if she was straight and the parents of whoever she’s dating behaved this way.

The OP arguing with her dickhead husband about whether theatre kids are more likely to be gay or straight irks me because it’s not what I would be focusing on. No, I’d be too busy to think about that because I’d be so angry about the homophobia and creepy inappropriate comments to the 17 year old child in a blatant attempt to humiliate him. I hope the daughter has other people she can go to with her problems as after this display there’s a good chance she won’t bother talking to her friends parents.

@AndImVictoriaMalcolm yes the focus on theatre kids is completely misplaced, and offensive. Whilst the stereotype is that male theatre kids are gay, that's not true in practice. There are many famously heterosexual famous male actors who studied performing arts as teenagers.

And yeah as I was saying above, I think also asking a heterosexual teenager about their past partners when you are an adult who doesn't know them very well, and it's not relevant to their wellbeing, is just inappropriate. At its worst, it's a potential safeguarding red flag.

In this case, given that the OP's DH is obviously male as is the teen boy, and the boy is openly bisexual, it could in a worst case scenario (which this isn't) look like potential grooming. And that is aside from the DH's homophobia.

He is awful but why on earth did you allow it.