To be annoyed at DH’s comments to DD’s BF?

[ProPickle]

Dd is 16 and she's had a bf for about 5 months. He's just turned 17 And at college, dd will go to the same college in a couple weeks

He's a nice polite lad and seems to treat DD really well but DH hates him and he came away with us and he's been picking at him and everything he does

He has long curly hair and would probably be considered a feminine man using those stereotypes which there's nothing wrong with. DH insists he's gay, DD has told us he's bisexual but he still insistshe's gay. When we were away he out of nowhere asked if he's ever dated a boy (?) bf awkwardly said yes then DH was asking how long they were together and he was saying not long and it wasn't serious so he doesn't consider it a proper relationship. Both myself and DD tried to change the subject and we were successful until later that night. He asked him what makes a relationship serious/does he consider his relationship with dd serious etc he seemed awkward and said he was tired and went for a shower.

Another occasion we were watching a film at the end of another day he had laid his head in dds lap and she was sort of playing with his hair and she told him she was jealous of his hair and DH out of nowhere asked if it was naturally curly, he then said he’d look better if he chopped it off as the bf shouldn't have better hair than his gf(?) it was late and we all ignored him tbh

He mocked the bf for being a “theatre kid” to me but bf likely overheard,

Then last night, our final night he was back on the dating a man talk, he asked him what's stopping him leaning dd and dating a man and he said he loves dd and just because he's attracted to men doesn't mean he finds every man on the planet attractive, dd laughed and dh didn't seem pleased

We went home today and DD was already upset, she won't say what's wrong but DH automatically assumed bf did something and he said to her how he wasn't happy BF talked back to him and told her she needs to break up with him before he leaves her this has made DD worse

It's herGCSE results tomorrow (she says this isn't the problem) and he seems go care more about her bf

AIBU to be annoyed?

I’d say he’s clearly worried the lad ether experimenting or finding himself and your daughter is going to get used or hurt in the process
But the way he’s expressing this is atrocious

I couldn’t imagine being with a man who had in the past been intimate with another man, if that makes me a dinosaur so be it

But that’s you. Presumably OP’s daughter isn’t bothered at all.

Well said.

Our DD is bi.
She had a 2 year relationship with a manchild whose mother kept asking him about DD leaving him for a woman.
Dd ended the relationship, not because of his mother, but the drip drip drip in his ear wasn't helpful.

I know she’s only 16 and highly unlikely to marry or make a life with this boyfriend but can you imagine in the future if she brings a potential husband home and he’s like this ? It could drive her away. Your husband is a dick.

OP’s daughter is a 16 year old child, hopefully she’ll move on from this relationship.

Well… yeah. Obviously it’s highly unlikely they’ll stay together forever. It doesn’t take away from the fact that genZ seem a lot less hung up and uptight about dating and friendships than previous generations and specifically those on Mumsnet.

You sound as toxic and homophobic as the OPs husband.

Ohhh you ARE the OPs husband?!?!?

The DD is dating someone kind who makes her laugh.

@ProPickle you need to tackle your husbands homophobia. If my DH had behaved like that he wouldn't be my DH much longer!!

I think you have let your DD and her BF down. You didn't pull your DH up at all.
Are you scared of your DH? He sounds like an awful nasty bully and your just as bad letting him get away with it.
I bet the BF will finish with your DD and she will never forgive the pair of you.
I too hope his parents come round and give you both a mouthful.

OP's dh does not want a gay guy dating his daughter - have you seen those adverts 'Would you rather I married your daughter'? That sort of thing. And I am not homophobic - I am not irrationally scared of them.

Really horrible and he probably thinks he is being clever when in reality he is just being a bully and his comments could be quite damaging actually. I would have said something to my dh at the time if he spoke like this

Agree.

I would be asking him what the fuck was wrong with him, acting like a school boy bully?

Hope DD gets good results, OP.

I think this was a problematic setup from the beginning. They’ve not been together long and you brought him on holiday and they shared a room? You knew your husband would be like this and you didn’t either set serious boundaries to protect a child in your care or be honest with the boyfriend so he could decide if he’d come. The whole setup sounds like a bad idea.

Your husband is homophobic. You must have known that. Bullying a child about their sexuality is gross. That generation is fluid and experimental - every generation has gotten a little more free, so that’s totally expected. They need to be different from their parents! The only thing I’d be sure about is that my daughter is protecting herself - like she should in any sexual relationship. Making sure your daughter and any partner are getting tested regularly if not monogamous and using protection is just common sense and something I’d make sure to talk to her about regardless of who she’s with.

I know it’s easy for me to say leave and much harder for you to dismantle your life but I couldn’t be around this. The nonsense about hair, the homophobia, the willingness to bully a child… it’s gross. I think at some point you’re going to end up having to choose between your husband and your daughter and I hope your daughter is still around when that day comes. It’s terribly sad but I’d protect my kids first, every time.

Your husband is a homophobic bully. Your op sounds like you aren’t sure why your daughter is upset - surely you can see it’s likely caused by how your husband treated her boyfriend?

I don’t think you should rave invited a boyfriend if just 3/4 months to join you on a holiday anyway, but certainly not when you knew your husband hates him! You set that poor boy up to be bullied all week and you did nothing to stop it or protect him. I can’t help but wonder if you actually hold the same views, but don’t voice them as you know how unacceptable and wrong it is. I cannot understand why else you would have put him in that position, or why the hell you didn’t call your husband out every single time.

You owe your daughter and her boyfriend an apology as much as your husband does.

Your husband sounds a vile bully or a closet gay and is getting shirty over it. It will be your poor daughter’s fault if the lad dumps her, if someone treated my son like that I’d be actively encouraging him to finish things with her.

He will push her towards him. My friends parents hated her boyfriend - they stayed together 15 years! He was a twat. But they pushed them together, ‘us against the world’, ‘ only he understands me’ etc etc.

She admits it now as an adult.

Is your husband usually homophobic or is this new behaviour? The theatre kid comments are odd - I know loads of theatre lads and male dancers - most are popular with girls - the dancers are very physically fit and they are confident and outgoing. Dedicated. What’s not to like?

Id be concerned your husband is actually gay and this boy has triggered somethng. It’s bullying - was he the type who bullied at school? Has he bullied others in front of you?

A 5 month relationship and you have taken him away with you? That seems rather soon to be doing that....did they have separate beds?
I wouldn't be comfortable with that and I also have a 16 year old daughter getting her exam results today. She meets her boyfriend for dates, ie the cinema and he comes for tea sometimes, but thats the extent of it at 16 and under my roof.

I totally agree that the comments are rude and ott.

But your dd is a 16 year old child sharing abedroom and presumably having sex with a young man who is also not an adult in the same accommodation and in close proximity to her parents. It's a situation that possibly is quite challenging for him. I think it's weird that the bf is even on holiday with you in the first place so I'm not surprised the situation is producing a not very good outcome.

He shouldn't be mean to the young lad, but by the sounds of it he is probably gay but still just trying to figure it out if he's only 17. I wouldn't have ever dated someone bisexual personally, I've had gay housemates and have close gay friends, they loved to hook up when they were younger, way way more than anyone straight I know, their risky behaviours around unsafe sex were also concerning back then too. One of my best friends at uni dated 2 bisexual men at uni at age 19/20, one was openly bisexual and other pretended he was straight but was obsessed with anal sex and loved tall skinny girls who didn't have boobs with short hair. Both are now openly gay, neither went on to marry women (we are early 40's now).

I imagine this relationship won't last anyway and given this lad is so young he probably hasn't had much sexual experience with either sex thankfully. I'm sure the bf will get bored and move on soon, if not him going to uni will probably end things anyway. Your husband just needs to keep quiet and wait for it to fizzle out.

I imagine your husband would probably be struggling and picking holes in the guy even if he was straight, he probably feels very uncomfortable your daughter having a bf and potentially having sex with him. Him being feminine is just an easy target for his jibes. He shouldn't be mean to him though, if he's not ok with your daughter having any bf, inviting one along on holiday probably wasnt the best idea.

Another poster raised a good point. If my son came home and told me what had happened I’d ask if he really wants long term involvement (or even any further involvement) with your family. Why bother?

I have encouraged my kids to consider their dates family early on in relationships as it makes a huge difference to their long term happiness IF they stay together.

Your husband is a red beacon surrounded by red flags as he’s clearly a bully. I wouldn’t want my son to have a bully father in law or grandkids to have a bully grandfather. Now I know grandkids and moving in is a long way off but these early relationships are practice. My hope would be he would tell her it’s over, say her father is clearly opposed and it’s too much drama tbh, and move on and have fun with his friends.

Neither if you could figure out why your DD was in a bad mood after that holiday? You brought along her boyfriend and then your DH basically bullied him whilst he was completely outnumbered. What a cock!

Your DH is either homophobic or for some other reason has an unhealthy obsession with gay men

He’s a homophobic bully. I’d have read him the riot act. How dare he make a young lad feel uncomfortable and question his sexuality like that,

I’d personally apologise for his behaviour to him and I’d tell my husband I’d be doing it snd expect him to do the same,

A lot of people think homophobia and biphobia is perfectly fine until it has an impact on their own family.