To be annoyed at DH’s comments to DD’s BF?

[ProPickle]

Dd is 16 and she's had a bf for about 5 months. He's just turned 17 And at college, dd will go to the same college in a couple weeks

He's a nice polite lad and seems to treat DD really well but DH hates him and he came away with us and he's been picking at him and everything he does

He has long curly hair and would probably be considered a feminine man using those stereotypes which there's nothing wrong with. DH insists he's gay, DD has told us he's bisexual but he still insistshe's gay. When we were away he out of nowhere asked if he's ever dated a boy (?) bf awkwardly said yes then DH was asking how long they were together and he was saying not long and it wasn't serious so he doesn't consider it a proper relationship. Both myself and DD tried to change the subject and we were successful until later that night. He asked him what makes a relationship serious/does he consider his relationship with dd serious etc he seemed awkward and said he was tired and went for a shower.

Another occasion we were watching a film at the end of another day he had laid his head in dds lap and she was sort of playing with his hair and she told him she was jealous of his hair and DH out of nowhere asked if it was naturally curly, he then said he’d look better if he chopped it off as the bf shouldn't have better hair than his gf(?) it was late and we all ignored him tbh

He mocked the bf for being a “theatre kid” to me but bf likely overheard,

Then last night, our final night he was back on the dating a man talk, he asked him what's stopping him leaning dd and dating a man and he said he loves dd and just because he's attracted to men doesn't mean he finds every man on the planet attractive, dd laughed and dh didn't seem pleased

We went home today and DD was already upset, she won't say what's wrong but DH automatically assumed bf did something and he said to her how he wasn't happy BF talked back to him and told her she needs to break up with him before he leaves her this has made DD worse

It's herGCSE results tomorrow (she says this isn't the problem) and he seems go care more about her bf

AIBU to be annoyed?

No!!! He listens to Queen and George Michael so he can't be.

Your husband sounds like a piece of shit and a bully.

Your DH has an unhealthy interest in the sexuality and relationship history of a 17 year old boy. Imagine your DD had gone away with another family and then told you the dad was frequently quizzing her about her sexuality/ past relationships... wouldn't you find that concerning? No adult should be talking like that to a child that isn't their own.

Homophobia / biphobia are still very much an issue sadly, as this young man is finding out 😢

My very first thought. The fact he can’t stop thinking about this teenager’s love life involving men is very very weird.

He isn't obsessed with the 17 year old bisexual lad's sex life, he's interested in who is shagging his 16 year old DD.
I'd question him being invited along tbh. It's making the relationship bigger than it should be, at 16. Two 16 year old boys are going to be bang at it and it isn't the type of sex a 16 year old girl should be starting with. I'd keep my DD close to me and make sure contraception was being used. Let's not pretend that being left with a baby, as a teen, wouldn't be complicated by the father deciding he was gay, after all and wanting to play the field. Or staying together. But suddenly his male best friend goes everywhere with him. Life can be difficult enough.

OP your answer that a lot of straight men are into theatre is irrelevant, he isn't straight.

What a nasty, homophonic bully…

I'd be asking him what he finds so threatening about an 17 year old boy and to keep his homophobic belittling opinions to himself.

Off topic slightly but I'm a lesbian and have a lot of gay male friends and have spent a lot of time around gay men.

Gay men do NOT have long hair. Long hair is not a gay thing. I've never ever met known or known of a gay male with long hair.

I agree on this. I cannot imagine this until a 'child' was at least 19 or 20 and then only when I knew the boyfriend or girlfrirnd really well. Not that it excuses the Dad's rudeness or homophbia obviously but it's all just far too much too soon

Your DH is a nasty, homophobic bully.
This will ruin his relationship with his daughter long after the relationship with her boyfriend has ended.

You joke, but my first reading of this was that the DH is being really pervy.

I wouldn't be surprised if there was some suppressed homosexuality behind these comments/homophobia. A pretty 17yo bisexual boy coming into his house seems to have really agitated him.

Obsession with a 17 year olds appearance and quizzing them on previous relationships, what they think about relationships, is a bit creepy. I don't think that he would get away with this if the boyfriend was a 17yo girl iyswim, and I don't think the OP and other posters would be so willing to overlook the sexual undertones to this behaviour either.

EDIT: I have just read the full thread and realised some other posters have also gotten a whiff of this too, but are being pushed back on. I feel very sorry for this young man experiencing this homophobia/biphobia but also for not being protected from this perve as so few people will be willing to validate what is likely really going on here.

Your husband sounds like a stereotype.

If boyfriend was from Liverpool he'd be referring to scouse gits.

Tell him to grow up and get real. They are very young, it probably won't last but let them enjoy it while they can without dad chiming in all the time.

Agree with this.

Speak to your DH privately, tell him all comments must stop immediately and then if he does it again pull him up. No discussion. No explanation.

Those poor kids on a safe family holiday have it spoiled by a bully.

You need to have a serious word with your husband and work out a plan in advance for what you're going to do the next time he behaves like that. E.g. you could agree with him something you're going to say to remind him what he is saying is unacceptable, or decide you're going to be explicit "John, that's really not okay, stop talking like that." There's a real risk your daughter will be thoroughly alienated by your husband's behaviour and you don't want her opinions of you to be coloured by his behaviour.

I am amazed how lightly some of the PPs treat your husband’s behaviour. It’s not “unreasonable” - it’s deeply dark and relationship-endingly unpleasant.

He’s systematically bullied, belittled and humiliated a child in your care.

He's shown himself to be a bigot unable to separate and control his own feelings.

You have been complicit in failing to stop this behaviour.

What is your question in all this? Whether you were in the wrong? Yes. Whether your husband was in the wrong? Yes.

Regardless of homophobia he's downright rude. Who invites a guest on a holiday and then interrogates and insults them! It amounts to bullying. He can have his views on homosexuality or what makes a man, regardless of what anyone else thinks. But he can keep them to himself and show he knows how to behave in a civilised manner by being polite. He owes everyone a big apology for being such a rude, obnoxious bully. If he can't behave in a socially acceptable manner he should remove himself. I'd just arrange to meet with your dd and her bf without him for a nice meal to show your support, and make it clear he won't be included in any future meet ups due to his outrageous behaviour on the holiday.

Have you actually spoken to him and told him to stop?

He's an absolute idiot. Anyone can leave a relationship for anyone else - why does he think this is confined to bisexual relationships? How odd.

Agreed, and I can confirm that this applies for teenage gay young men as well as for adult gay men.

Two 16 year old boys are going to be bang at it and it isn't the type of sex a 16 year old girl should be starting with. - @Ponoka7

What 'type of sex' shouldn't a 16 year old girl be starting with?

And how do you know the OP's 16 year girl didn't "start" sex with someone else before this boyfriend?

Would he rather his sixteen year old daughter was going out with a massive bloke with a skinhead who would punch him in the face for insulting him and his girlfriend?

I imagine the lovely boyfriend will dump your daughter at some point due to your partners behaviour. He can’t be expected to simply tolerate being abused.

I wonder what he’s telling his own parents about what’s happening to him at his girlfriend’s house.

Your partner sounds like simply a horrible and unkind person.

You can do better OP. And you can do better for your daughter.

To me, it seems that Ponoka is implying that bisexual men are incapable of having/enjoying PIV intercourse? Very odd.

Yes it seems that may be the case. Certainly @SunsetDrifter made that point, whilst telling us that she wouldn't date someone bisexual and speculating that the OP's daughter's BF is probably gay and likely to be promiscuous ...

Quite. I have teens both in relationships and I will not be taking anyone on holiday until they’re all much older.

It's not something I'd do but the OP and her DH did choose to do so. By doing so they implicitly approved of the relationship, and put the boy (and presumably his parents) in a position where he thought he could trust them to treat him well. They then abused this power, obviously more so the DH.