AIBU to feel hurt after my stepdaughter was edited out?

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So I’ve just been on a big family holiday with my mum, brother, his partner, their kids, my sister and her family and me, my partner, my kids and my step daughter. On the holiday we did a number of family photos as due to distance we do not get together very often. One of the family photos was my mum with all the grandchildren, including my step daughter (who been in my life for 11 years, since she was 4). I’ve just discovered my sister and mum have edited the photo to remove my step daughter from it and then my mum posted it online. Am I unreasonable to be incredibly hurt by this?

They don't believe in blended families either, they just pretend and play this 'look at me game, I am so wonderful game'. And then on MN we see posts 'My stepdaughter is eating too much soft fruit, it is so expensive!' and another one 'I don't want to pay for my stepdaughter's private school', and most women on MN are like 'she is not your problem, he is there to buy her soft fruit and pay her tuition fees' - unanimously!!!! But somehow they demand more of grandparents, who had fuck-all to do with creating this blended family.
Again, I am more than sure that shit of 'awwwh, all the same to me' will come apart when there is only one parachute available, or one safety raft place available, or indeed one kidney is available. Then everything will become crystal-clear.

P.S. Never once did I see a post on MN of this sort: 'I am paying my step-grandmother's carehome fees, because I loved her so much and she was so nice to me'. Naaa, only the other way around - 'my husband's mother made it clear she will not bequeath anything to my children I had had before I married her son'.

In other words, there is enormous pressure on grandparents to accommodate their step-grandchildren (again, this word does not even exist anywhere), yet bugger-all pressure on step-grandchildren to help their so-called step-grandparents in their hour of need.

You are joking, right? I am missing out that my dc did not divorce, married people with children not related to them, and foisted their 'blended family' on me? I am missing out the messed-up dynamics? Truly the world has gone mad.

Missing out 🤪

I can see both sides tbh!

It isn’t spiteful to just want a photo of her own grandkids. She removed her because she isn’t one, not because of any malicious feelings towards her. I doubt she was even thinking about her when she posted it, and instead just saw a photo she loved and wanted to share.

Op’s mother clearly makes an effort with her, is kind to her when she sees her, and probably thinks she’s a perfectly nice kid. That doesn’t mean she feels towards her how she does towards her grandchildren.

OP’s stepchild isn’t the main character of the family that all must focus on, always think about, and prioritize no matter what.

Imagine sitting down at the computer and deleting a child from a photo! Such crazy and heartless behaviour. I hate how so many people are getting into photo-editing, as if reality is too much for them to bear. YANBU.

But would you, yourself, literally edit a child out of a photo?

It’s not spiteful at all 😂

You’d most probably ‘love her more’ if she were your biological grandchild - that’s just human nature. I love my step grandchild, she is older than my grandchildren by several years. But I absolutely love my grandchildren more. It’s a bit like the relationship I have with my nephews and nieces - I love them dearly, but not in the same way as I love my own children.

No idea why you would presume to know this about me? You couldn't be more wrong. Unlike some on here, I think "blood" is very little to do with love. I love my husband, he is not my blood. For me at least, love isn't finite or dependent on biology.
In addition, I do not think you need to "love" a child to not be an arsehole to them. That is nothing to do with love, it is basic human decency.

Yes if I wanted a family only photo of say just my grandchild in the future and was too polite to take a photo with and without.

Why should I be unable to have that one photo because someone has a step child?

All sorts of photos get taken at family gatherings often including a just sibling one without partners which let’s face it is just incase a partner disappears and to only have your own adult children in it. Just like pictures of just the parents and their adult child with partner and without partner. Future proofing.

Honestly, I find this bizarre and not normal, not to mention cruel towards the child involved. How on earth is it 'polite' to include a child in a photo only to literally edit them out of it afterwards? Can you really not imagine how hurtful that could be to the child? Or do their feelings just not count because they are 'only' a stepchild?

And as for 'All sorts of photos get taken at family gatherings often including a just sibling one without partners which let’s face it is just incase a partner disappears and to only have your own adult children in it' - all I can say is I genuinely don't believe most people see it like this. What does it matter if someone who is in a photo later leaves? According to that logic there wouldn't be any point taking photos at all because people also die, you can't 'future proof' that. A photo is supposed to be a record of who was there at the time, not some perfect airbrushed version of reality.

Your agenda sounds like it's geared around protecting yourself from future hurt, which I can understand may feel necessary for you but I'm stunned that you can't seem to see how hurtful this could be for others.

If I remember correctly the step child doesn’t even know. The ops just offended on her behalf on a photo she doesn’t even know exists.

Unless the step child suddenly decides to add granny on Facebook she will never know. But granny gets to have the photo.

Same with all the other photos. You display the appropriate one on the mantel but it doesn’t mean you don’t have the other version.

Can’t say however that I go and inspect peoples mantels to see which family members are included or are not.

I doubt you’d need to, though, because IME most people just take photos of whoever is there at the time. I certainly do.

Oh please. As if asking the stepchild to move out of the photo line up so the grandmother could have taken the photo she wanted in the first place, would have been taken well either.

I don’t think anyone is disputing that someone may perceive it as being hurtful (equally, others wouldn’t care, or expect/want to be in the photo in the first place). We’re disputing 1, that the stepchild being hurt automatically mean that the grandmother has done something wrong, and 2, that the stepchild’s feelings must be the most important consideration at all times that override anything else. Maybe you subscribe to both 1 and 2, but clearly not everyone shares that opinion. That doesn’t mean we don’t grasp it.

Not the ‘most important’ consideration. Just equal, instead of treating the poor kid as less than.

But she isn’t equal. She’s not a grandchild, and OP’s mother wanted a photo of her grandchildren. How the stepchild would or wouldn’t feel about it didn’t come into it, and likely wasn’t thought about at all. Why would it be, unless you are expecting her to be front and centre in everything?

It was a grandmother wanting a photo of her grandkids. It wasn’t some malicious act against the stepkid.

She's not a grandchild. Everyone was nice to her. Not sure what you think barking orders at your mum would achieve - do you imagine you can force her to comply with your demands and change her feelings to suit you? I have news for you, that doesn't happen.

And if you're not planning to try to coerce her into doing something she doesn't want to do, no point in fixating on something so unimportant.

You sound weird and controlling and issuing edicts won't work, so just move on.

And leave your poor mother alone, she can post what she likes on her own social media.

Isn't equal??? I have no words.

And to suggest I think the stepchild should be 'front and centre in everything' because I disagree with editing her out is plain ridiculous. I simply believe her presence in the photo should be retained, just like everyone else's was. Honestly, some of the replies on this thread are really making me feel society's taken a very nasty, 'me and mine, and everyone else can fuck off' turn recently.

That’s horrible! I’d definitely say something. How awful and hurtful for your step daughter.

Of course she isn’t equal to the actual grandchildren.

Why would she be retained, when OP’s mother wanted a photo of only her grandchildren? OP’s desire to have her in the photo, or the stepdaughter’s desire to be in it, is not more important than the grandmother’s wish to have a photo of her grandchildren.

If it was just one “my grandchildren” photo, and there were other photos of all the children, then it’s tricky. She isn’t her granddaughter , and has her own other set of grandparents, which all the children will know and perhaps feel jealous of ? It is unkind to actually edit her out though, rather than just having a photo taken at some point with her grandchildren separately.
I think it’s difficult with Grandparents, you can expect them to be kind and welcoming and affectionate, which is why the editing out is unkind, but you can’t expect them to love a child as though she is their actual grandchild. That might happen in some families, especially if the child is very young and lives with the grandparents’ son or daughter full time, but it’s pretty common for it not to happen.
So I think you can expect a child not to be left out, to be given a Christmas present etc, and the actual editing falls into that I feel. You can’t expect your Mum to love your partner’s daughter as much as you do, or as much as her own Grandchildren.
I would say that the editing seemed mean, and it would have been better if she’d had a grandchildren photo done another time, perhaps when your step daughter is with her own grandmother.

Good for you. It’s also ‘basic human decency’ to want a photo of your actual grandchildren.

Get a bloody grip! How could it be hurtful to post a photo solely with your grandchildren? Surely a stepchild knows they are a stepchild, who their parents are, their step parents, their grandparents and parents of the stepparent? Technically, I’m a stepchild in that my mother remarried. It wouldn’t have hurt me in any way to not be in a photo with my stepfather and his children, and I would not have bothered anyway if he had edited me out of such a photo. Some people are so strange!

THIS.