AIBU to feel hurt after my stepdaughter was edited out?

[Embod9947]

So I’ve just been on a big family holiday with my mum, brother, his partner, their kids, my sister and her family and me, my partner, my kids and my step daughter. On the holiday we did a number of family photos as due to distance we do not get together very often. One of the family photos was my mum with all the grandchildren, including my step daughter (who been in my life for 11 years, since she was 4). I’ve just discovered my sister and mum have edited the photo to remove my step daughter from it and then my mum posted it online. Am I unreasonable to be incredibly hurt by this?

As an adopted child at 6 months the genetic thing is pretty offensive.
But I always thought I was part of the family until at 30 when my Gran left her assets to her two sons (one being my Dad) with the provisio it was only past down from them to her 'real' grandchildren. Which wasn't me of course.
I can sort of see this though. Step children often disappear if relationships break down and one picture with just bio grandchildren isn't unreasonable. Cropping out probably a bit too blunt though. The bottom line is she isn't her grandchild, she's a child that came with the partner you chose. It is different.

She didn't have to post it on social media though!

What nasty, spiteful, disgusting thing to do! 😡 I would be furious if someone did that to any SC of mine.

I had a similar experience. It was a horrible realisation that the world contained hierarchies, of which I sat very far down. I think it was my major shift in my sense of self which became so embedded.

Totally with you OP. That's cold. You'll get loads of nasty replies saying it's fine as they're not blood/marriage etc. I thought this shit died out in the 90's but people can be v dark.

I wasn’t thinking about the legalities, I was thinking if a child had been in my life since she was 4 and my child loved and cared for them then I’d love her. Because love is like that, it grows and spreads and the more people you love the better the world is and that counts double for children. A photo with me surrounded by children I love is love.

But if you want to count out love in legality and blood you do that. Bloody sad though.

It is hurtful. I can understand her having different photos, like you would at a big wedding, but to actually delete a child from a photo is just horrid.

I would have to say something to her about it and tell her that you found it hurtful to see the photo on SM with SD obviously missing. It is just so weird. Don't listen to anyone who says you can't be hurt by this - if they wouldn't be then that's fine. I'd be hurt too.

Your comparison doesn’t work.

The child in this situation has her own mother and her own maternal grandparents.

it’s completely different.

ah ok, it's the app that's definitely the issue.

You'd have to close the app and open the Mumsnet website using a mobile or desktop browser. (if you'd like to) 😊

Because some of us have learnt that only legal matters.

Some of us grew up in step families. Some of us saw family members come and go due to marriages. It hardens hearts when people you love or thought where family poof gone because a marriage breaks down.

Thank you for your help! I will do that now

If you read MN you realise that people come and go in all families. Just look at the threads with estranged families and no contact, happens all the time in lots of families.
If you count out legality and the potential for break up you’d never love anyone because love is always a risk. If you are going to take a risk on love it should be for children who have been brought into these situations. When adults start prioritising and hardening their heart it makes it harder for everyone.

Adopted children also have biological mothers and maternal grandparents.
This is a CHILD who has been in ops life since she was 4. It’s not “different” at all.

“Played polite” with a child she has known for 11 years, and sees regularly. What kind of batshittery is that?

My nephew has a partner who has a daughter who is 5. They have an 18 month old son together. It wouldn’t occur to me to crop her out of a photo because she “isn’t blood”.

Very cruel. I would question this and feel deeply hurt.

No it’s not. If you love the child and want her to feel welcomed and loved then you welcome and love them. Or you can put up barriers and hide behind them.

From experience, no it doesn’t, unless you want it to. You choose. Be like them or….be better.

The logic about non-blood relationships disappearing if a relationship breaks; perhaps that should apply to spouses too. Photoshop them from photos. Or not waste time, and elbow them out during the shoot.

When I separated from my Exh, and ultimately divorced, I have never heard from any of his family. This is following a 25 year connection and two children. Another sobering dose of reality.

Exactly. My DD's MIL did everything 'right' and loved her step granddaughter (her other son's SD) dearly, treating her exactly the same as her natural grandchildren, for years. Then, overnight, her much loved SGD disappeared, among with her son's partner, never to be seen again. She was broken hearted.

My granddaughter is still really confused, because she used to have a cousin who she loved playing with, and who's no longer there.

That rather depends on the relationship doesn’t it? It isn’t rare for step children to remain in touch with step parents after divorce. Also, an estimated 9% of children are returned to the care system after adoption. 38% of adoptive parents are reported to consider returning a child at one point or a mother, so adoption isn’t as permanent as you might think.

What do legal rights and responsibilities have to do with a photograph?

Perhaps people should stop expecting others to think and feel to order, because that tends to make life more difficult.

You cannot force love if it isn’t there. Or force the strength of it if it is. Perhaps OP’s mother does love the stepchild, but not as her grandchild. Or perhaps she doesn’t love her, but she’s chosen to play the role in order to make OP happy. All she wanted was one photo of just her grandchildren. Big deal.

My dad's mother (father took off when he was born) died when he was only 7 and he got adopted by a couple who didn't have any children. He was their only child, yet when they died everything went to cousins. My father was so heartbroken because this was just the proof of how they saw him; not family even though he called them mum and dad.
@Embod9947 Are you sure your mum isn't worried about consent in regards to posting DSD's photo online? Ask so you're not angry about nothing..

I'd be absolutely furious. Your SD has been in your life since she was 4, how utterly heartbreaking. All the step children in our family are counted as blood and would never/have never been excluded. I hope she never finds out.
I'd contact and tell them both exactly how awful it is and they either need to put SD back into it or to remove all your children from it because you're a family unit and they aren't including some of your children without the other!

That is so hurtful. I'd be furious.

I hope your SD doesn't find out.

Even if it was them trying to respect consent etc, you just don't post the picture! You don't edit a child out.

QEII was not bollocked when she released a photo of herself, Charles, William and George - I don't remember Charlotte and Louis howling and saying they felt excluded.

Totally different situation . That picture was an historic one, showing the direct line of succession (and she didn't edit Charlotte and Louis out)