AIBU to feel hurt after my stepdaughter was edited out?

[Embod9947]

So I’ve just been on a big family holiday with my mum, brother, his partner, their kids, my sister and her family and me, my partner, my kids and my step daughter. On the holiday we did a number of family photos as due to distance we do not get together very often. One of the family photos was my mum with all the grandchildren, including my step daughter (who been in my life for 11 years, since she was 4). I’ve just discovered my sister and mum have edited the photo to remove my step daughter from it and then my mum posted it online. Am I unreasonable to be incredibly hurt by this?

Some of us where those children and can realise that actually nothing would have changed th feeling of fitting in because you never will.

You will always be the spare part between the families. Never whole.

Really?

How do you think the stepchild feels? Do you really think she can’t sense that she doesn’t ‘belong’ in the extended family dynamic.

She isn't your DM's grandchild though. If you and your partner split, your DM would likely never see her again. Sad, but that's life.

My friend has a stepdaughter. She is very fond of her and they get on really well; from all accounts, the SD gets on much better with my friend than with her own mother and has moved in with my friend and her DH (the dad). But she calls my friend by her first name and my friend wouldn’t dream of referring to her as her own DD. So why on earth would my friend’s mum (also to all appearances very fond of the SD) refer to her as her granddaughter? Doesn’t mean relationships aren’t very good all round.

That’s a really warped perspective you’ve got there. Literally editing a child out of a photo because she ‘isn’t blood’? I can’t believe you’re defending that.

In that case I'd put a sticker or something over her rather than just make out like she was never there.

When I was a stepchild, I was very close to my ‘step nan’, I adored her and sat by her bedside keeping vigil after she had a catastrophic stroke. We knew she wasn’t going to get better and we were just waiting for her to pass away. I was heartbroken when she died as she had been in my life for around 10/12 years. When my stepmums family announced her death, they quoted her as having 3 grandchildren and didn’t include me or my sister. I was so hurt and she had told me herself, many times, that I was her granddaughter. My dad allowed it happen, but that’s another story.

I think what your mum has done is really cruel and I’d be speaking up, but most importantly, make sure your stepdaughter doesn’t get wind of it because I wouldn’t wish that sadness on anybody. Sorry you're having to deal with and navigate this 💐

What a mean-spirited post. Going by your posts on here you’ve been through some painful stuff, but it seems to have made you very hard if you think leaving a child out in this way is OK. The child has done nothing to deserve being excluded in such a potentially hurtful way. Would you do such a thing yourself?

Me too. The whole extended family never treated my any different to other cousins/grandchildren. My dad (since I was 4) even forgot we are not blood related to him when he mentioned how my son doesn't have a particular physical feature that he and my (half) brother do.
"How did he get away with that, lucky bugger" 😂

You can see from some of the replies here, so many adults can be absolute cunts about blended families and get a proper kick out of twisting themselves in knots finding ways to justify making children feel like they don’t belong.
they will never admit it, they will find ways to make themselves feel justified and remain guilt free in their head about treating children, who have no say in their family dynamics, like absolute garbage.

Maybe if the parent wants their child to be completely accepted as a full family member by every person in their prospective partner's family, they should vet their partner and their family better. Weed out the ones who consider the partner's child or children from another relationship not grandchildren or nieces or nephews, but simply partner's child. Don't get involved if that is what they want from partner's extended family.

Does the child think OP's mom is her grandmother?

I've seen one family over the years that sucessfull blended. The rest, various shades of messed up.

I never saw any of the people who married into my family as step anythings, much less another father or mother or their kids or parents as my brothers or sisters or grandparents. And at least none of them tried to pretend they were.

I think it's awful what your Mum and sister did. My Mil has always treated my ds's exactly as she treats her own blood DGC. They have always called her Nan. She has photos of them up in her house. When they were young they would go and spend a week with Nan and Grandpa who lived by seaside. As the only DS's they were adored by Grampa and I believe he favoured them over his biological dad's. He spent hours with them in his shed and garage making wooden planters, bird boxes etc with DS's helping and painting them for a birthday gift for me. He also took them crabbing on the beach. My DC are adults now and my Mil is in her 80's and not in good health. My ds's go up to see her every few months with one son driving 160 miles and the other who lives closer goes more frequently. They drop off on seafront to buy her a whippy ice cream then rush it back to her before it melts too much. She loves them but doesn't get out too much now. I know she loves my boys every bit as much as her biological DGC. My DH always says she loves them more than him she is so happy when they visit her.

No. That was cruel and unnecessary. I’d guess that they, like others on a different thread, probably won’t allow her to wear “the family tiara” either. Tell them calmly how you feel and why or they’ll keep doing this shite.

Also, NORMAL.

“at times.” That should be good enough? Jesus.

I pray to God that you never grandchildren, step, adopted, or biological. You sound like a right bully.

I remember your previous threads, have your husbands family started treating your DD better now and including her?

Is this a joke? If it's true, why visit the same cruelty on a defenceless child?

If she was concerned about getting permission from SDs mum surely easy enough to ask. Seems very cruel to me as such a photo makes a strong statement. A discussion needed urgently on this one. I can't understand why she would do this so get her view and express yours before your SD gets hurt - again.

So she posted the photo of her and her grandchildren? But why be upset at that? Your DSD isn’t her grandchild. I have a step grandchild, I’ve known her for 12 years, since toddler, she calls me by my name, she doesn’t consider me to be a grandparent. That doesn’t mean I don’t love her, but it really isn’t the same as the way I feel about the children MY children gave birth to.
I have photos of just my DGC, of them with her, of me with my DC, of me with everyone.
YAB very U.

Why would she discuss it with you? She wanted a picture of her with her grandchildren - your partners DD is not her grandchild. This is not the big deal you’re making it out to be.

It's a very spiteful thing to do and the fact you and others like you can't see that is very sad.

I have biological gc. I don't know what 'adopted' gc are or what 'step-gc' are.

Yes. That is shameful.

What a shame for you, you’re missing out. My Step GD is an utter delight, couldn’t love her more.

I don’t believe in blended families due to it. I’d never give my children one.

If my children decided to have one I’d go for polite distance. I’d take the whole photo and I would also do a separate or have an edited version. I’d give token gifts and cards but I wouldn’t see them as mine 🤷🏻‍♀️ just as dh’s nephews and nieces are his not mine.

Happened at my wedding with a very visible partner of a family member who is in prime position and now long gone. Lessons learnt on the edges easily removable.