AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

Op I don't see any harm in meeting her for coffee.

But maybe she is being genuine but maybe she is a raging lunatic who's insanely jealous, you have what she thought she was getting.

Do you have any mutual friends?
Is that part of it, because you don't talk the group is fractured, and she wants to get past that.

How would it go to be acceptable? To you. In your own time.

She’s told you it really affected her. You’re in large part responsible for her suffering. He is in the main - if it were not you he would have done it with someone else - but you played a large part. I think lay aside all the BS of ‘it won’t help her’, that’s her decision to make and if she wants to talk to you, I think you owe her that at the very least. Of course you don’t have to and it’s understandable you don’t want to, but if you value decency then you would.

😆

i think there are many people on this thread that need therapy more than the OP at this point.

Another almost psychopathically cold response.

if you truly believe that you have changed then yes you should meet her. she’s probably having therapy and needs a little closure. you do owe her that, really.

give her a heads up that you are pregnant, obviously.

you could also offer a phone call if you really can’t face it, but truthfully i think that you should meet to prove to yourself that you aren’t the same selfish and uncaring person that you were in your 20s.

Well I can see how that works for you. You keep saying you want to move on and you’re over it but you’re not the one who’s been betrayed. You’re talking as if it was equally hard for you and she should be understanding.

Wow you’re totally self absorbed aren’t you? I really feel for the woman. I hope she finds peace. I’m not sure she’d get it from you but maybe you owe it to her to listen to her calling you a cold, unfeeling selfish bitch and not arguing with her.

Your husband is no better and I don’t know how you could ever trust him.

As a wife that was betrayed can I ask did you laugh about the wife? Like my husband and I have worked through things but I often wonder if the other woman mocked me. I know stupid but did you feel like that. Like how dumb the wife was ?

I just can’t see how this will really help anybody ultimately. Sounds like an idea from a film - not from real life. There is nothing you will be able to say that will make her feel any better.
Ironically it’s all about your instincts. You clearly had an instinct that here was something between you and your now husband which started the affair in the first place - and you were right. Your instinct now is not to meet his ex - and I suspect you are right about this too.
If it were more recent, I may think differently- but there is nothing to be gained at this point so follow your instincts and decline.

@Greeneham

Sorry but a call is lame, unless it’s video.

A lot of the communication is lost when disembodied like that…

Agreed.
It's astonishing.

Well...she was betrayed by two people she loved/cared about. That's hard. When your husband cheats you rely on your friends, so it cut more when one of your friends has been part of the lies.

It may not help her, but that's not your call. You don't get to judge what's right for her. You can refuse, but that's a decision based on what you want. As awful and uncomfortable as it is, I'd think you should meet her. It may help her to say some things, to move on, and feel heard. It may not. So yes, go meet her but don't agree to further contact/conversations.

I'm willing to bet a million pounds that all the self-righteous twats on this thread who may not have cheated on their own partners or with someone else's have actually hurt somebody else just as much as the op hurt this other woman. I just think maybe you've all got it into your heads that there is this sacrosanct pathway involving romantic love and marriage vows and provided you didn't deviate from that then all the crappy stuff that you have done, whether it be towards your coworkers, towards your children, towards your parents or whomever matters not one iota because - oh well done! you didn't cheat!

OP, you sound like someone I'd really like to be friends with. I genuinely mean that. ❤️

This is utter madness. You've been with him/married to him for longer than she was. Afffairs happen, for many different reasons. People fall in and out of love, it's a fact of life. Of course an affair isn't great but come on, you haven't killed a small kitten or puppy and I honestly think some of the posters on this thread are just deflecting or whatever and are making you out to be some kind of abominable person.... which of course you aren't. And it's making you think that's who you are. Stop saying you know you were wrong, and about karma etc, you've owned it, you've dealt with it and you are still with him, so at the end of the day you two are clearly more compatible etc. I mean, one poster said you had ruined her life.....wtf is that all about. Of course you haven't ruined her life, more utter madness.

I don't see what could possibly be gained from meeting her. She should be well over it by now, they are not tied by children, there is absolutely no need for you to ever be in touch with her again. You owe her nothing and I would seriously think about WHY she wants to meet you. What is she going to get out of it? I am sure she doesn't genuinely wish you well, nothing good can come out of it. If she hasn't felt closure yet after all these years then quite frankly that is for her to deal with.

It really is / the vitriol for a stranger who made a mistake is unhealthy.

If her life is “ruined” that’s her own fault. most of us wouldn’t let an unfaithful partner and a selfish friend destroy us permanently.

No one gets through this life without some pain, some betrayal, some heartache.

It’s on us to figure out how to move forward and be as happy as possible despite that.

@WhyDontILearn No, it's a good summation.

Here you have two shitty people who got together by cheating and rubbing someone else's nose in it. Now they have to live with their crappy selves knowing they each have a cheat and a liar for a partner.

They can't erase the past and will carry it like an albatross round their necks as long as they are together.

I wouldn't want to be in their shoes.

I don't think you should meet her. I doubt you can create or contribute to closure for her. I think that's something she needs to find in herself.

I totally disagree
People change. If they do the hard work.
It's uncomfortable for you, clearly. But people can and do change for the better.

Do you have any idea how traumatising it is to be cheated on? And then to find out it’s a double betrayal because your friend was the one your husband was fucking. Not one but 2 people who should have had a bit of respect for you, love for you doing this behind your back. Her wounds are already open they’ve never closed this will scar her and every relationship she has moving forward. Like someone else said you owe her this, stop being selfish once again and show her some respect ffs. We nor you need to make any sense of this but she does and if she thinks she’ll get a scrap of closure for this then give her it you and your wanker of a husband have caused her pain that she’s still healing from 10 years later.

I would not meet up; 12 years has passed. You have nothing to gain in meeting her. I am not sure she is going to get closure from you - the pair of you are still married and you have a child together.
You and your husband have forged a life for yourselves carry on with your life.

Shit happens it wasn't great what you both did.
Wish her the very best but say you don't think there is anything to gain in you meeting up.

I’m sure you don’t and normally I would say look forward, not back.

But you wrecked someone’s marriage and their life.

Do you not think you could give that person an hour of your time to listen, apologise and offer them closure?

You have won in every aspect of this situation, I think you should show a little grace and decency. Yes this may be uncomfortable for you, but that is nothing to the pain you have caused this woman who used to be your friend.

Only do affairs illicit this on MN.
If OP had said she was out of prison for something the replies would be totally different.
It's madness.

Me neither. They will always know they achieved their happiness at someone else’s expense.