AIBU to ask if anyone works in a job where verbal abuse is expected, and how they deal with it?

[CountSlugula]

Just that really. I work in mental health. Not new, I have been in the field 15+ years. It's part and parcel of the job with people who are seriously mentally unwell, I know that, and it isn't necessarily a true reflection of who they are when well. Just having a particularly challenging time at the moment with relentless abuse of really personal nastiness (of me and many others in my team, including racism, homophobia) and have to grit my teeth and get on with it.

I have to be very careful about confidentiality so won't be able to give more details. So just looking for general tips, rather than specific advice on my situation.

I retired from my permanent post 8 years ago.

I recall that we were told that we couldn't refuse to teach pupils, but I do know of one case where an entire staff banded together to refuse a certain teenager after there had been verbal and physical abuse of staff and pupils and the pupil had made an accusation against a member of staff.

There was a whole school transfer to our school. The parent had demanded it - she was a former pupil and apparently we were 'so good at dealing with those pupils'...

ETA It definitely became harder latterly. It used to be that boys had a code of honour and wouldn't hurt a woman. Those days are gone.

Dominatrix, they seem to love the humiliation, the pathetic little rodents, but can get tiresome after a while

So helpful

Some people are absolutely lovely when well but when they are ill, frightened, exhausted and in pain simply cannot be calm or reasonable and express their emotions in ways which are extreme. I have so many conversation which start out angry and end up well because of calmness, patience and a duty to look beyond the noise to the person.

Exactly this. You sound lovely.

I’ve worked in prisons and schools - 100% is the verbal abuse/ physical violence worse in schools!

What is 'tolerance messaging' please? It sounds interesting and google no help.

Unfortunately local authorities don't (well mine doesn't) have a zero tolerance policy. We don't get any back up when people are abusive we just get encouraged to work on our resilience. There's no security, there's no refusing intervention. I worked in child protection where I was completely on board with continued work with parents who were abusive towards social workers because we were there for the child and couldn't allow the parents to push us away. I'm now working with adults with learning disabilities and/or autism, some who lack capacity, understandably we have to work with them regardless. What really gets me is the 'high functioning' autistic people who give constant abuse and we are expected by management to bend over backwards to please them. It's a really unhealthy culture, people learn the more abusive they are the more likely they are to get what they want. Me and my colleagues have often spoke about how everywhere has a zero tolerance policy but we're expected to just put up with it and fix things when every other agency has turned them away. That's no good for us or anyone else. They need to learn that abusive behaviour can have consequences.

It’s the messages you hear when you call a company so anything from a hardline ‘We will not tolerate any abusive language and reserve the right to terminate the call’ to the softer ‘Our team are here to help, we’ll be kind and respectful and expect the same in return’

Thank you all so so much. I can't tell you how much these responses have helped. I feel less alone now though am sorry to hear how so many of us have to deal with this.

So many good tips, am reflecting on what I can put into practice today.

Thanks again for sharing 💐

That's horrific but not surprising.

One of my colleagues was assaulted by a student when trying to break up a fight. He was excluded but allowed back following appeal - no-one even warned her he was coming back to school.

I've had anonymous emails calling me 'shit' and saying I'm a 'fat bitch and should be fired'.

They are getting their wish as I'm leaving soon - ironically to work in mental health, which due to the nature of the particular role I'll be doing I suspect will be less stressful than working in a secondary school!

Foster carer... have kids and teens hitting me on a daily basis. Had my nose broken from a punch, hand broken from a door being deliberately slammed on it. Also worked in a disability school for a while and it was totally normal there for the disabled but able bodied teens to punch/hit/kick throw things at us. Also been bitten loads and spat at is the norm. All I ever get told is this is what I signed up for. But the school job was minimum wage and as a qualified level 2 foster carer most I received was £1400pm (£200 of which went on their pocket money and savings monthly plus £60 a month clothing allowance. All decided by the local authority!) Definitely jobs you do for love not money. Never had any support for the violence. Nothing could be done I suppose but sometimes I'd have liked a manager to say they're sorry and they can see it as hard vs just being told I signed up for it.

Thanks for helping.

None of us "sign up" for abuse. I'm sorry you got such a dismissive response. The jobs you've done are so valuable and you deserve the right level of support. Those up above in social care and education need to stop minimising the abuse and change the culture. Money needs to be invested into support to reduce violence and abuse, it can be done with the right multi-agency support but it's just become so normalised that changing it isn't at the top of the agenda. There are health professionals- psychiatrists, psychologists, special nurses trained in these things but not enough to get treatment for all those who need it.

I worked in mental health in my previous career, and have been a teacher for the last 16 years- in both roles I have received verbal abuse. I try to depersonalise it; the teenager is not really angry at me, they are angry at the situation, the institution I represent or even just angry at themselves. It doesn't mean the comments don't hurt my feelings, but I'm able to compartmentalise them more now that I'm an older teacher. I have to walk away from the situation sometimes and take a nice deep breath, then I can speak to other staff and get some support that I'm a good teacher (if even I am a 'f**cking fat cow' for asking someone not to answer their phone on the corridor).
All jobs involving other people (including retail etc.,) require real depths of patience and resilience to go in and face another day.

I went to buy “home clothes” today, following reading your suggestion yesterday and just wanted to say, “thank you” for the tip! I keep popping back for any further good suggestions!

This is really nice to hear! The colleague who gave me that advice has sadly died, but he'd be pleased his words of wisdom are proving useful

Two people from my year at school are currently in prison for murder. Schools get all sorts.

I am three decades into my career and I notice it is not the people who can’t help being abusive that make the most impact on me. It is the ones that can and they revel in being nasty to get what they want and are articulate and make complaints that seem authentic but are distractions for the real issues. I can’t really give examples to explain as often quite unique and recognisable but these people have a profound and negative affect which is difficult uk shake off.

Had lots of verbal abuse as a teacher from students and their delightful parents. You do grow a thicker skin but that really shouldn't be necessary. The worst experiences were kids who deliberately vile . I was once reported for allegedly hitting one nasty little madam round the face. She had 3 of her equally nasty mates give supporting statements. Thing was I was over a hundred miles away at a funeral when this supposedly happened. So stupid as well as nasty. Apparently I had upset them when I confiscated a phone. The same little charmers falsely accused a member of staff of pushing one of them down the stairs. SLT were actually great and they were suitably dealt with.

Retail. I switch the body cam on, usually works once they know they are being recorded.

In my trust we have “schwartz round” which is a refelctive space dedicated for difficult experiences like this. No action, but sharing your experience, talking about it with others can help.
Also supervision.
Totally agree on work clothes vs home clothes. I kind of have a boring “uniform” (black jeans, some blouse on rotation) for work. I use those clothes only for work. My “normal” wear is more fun and colourful!
and finally boundaries- yes a level of abuse is expected but up to a point! You don’t want to engage in the re-enactment of an abusive relationship. Things like: it feels like a respectful and calm conversation is not available today, i wonder what happened? But also, i would like this space to be safe for both of us and at the moment, this does not seem to be the case. Unless we can discuss calmly, i will have to reschedule the session.

I worked in a call centre where I’d get a lot of nurses calling me up. The abuse was horrendous. The entitlement even worse. I dealt with this by having a strong dislike of them and still do.

It is awful. Practically, I find a vent to a colleague helpful, then a shower and change of clothes as soon as I get home. I listen to audiobooks or podcasts on the journey home. I find this much more effective than music for switching off as I have to concentrate on something different.

NHS primary care clinician here.
It ranges from passive aggressive, to out and out verbal abuse, insults and lies.
It actually makes you hate people