AIBU to ask if anyone works in a job where verbal abuse is expected, and how they deal with it?

[CountSlugula]

Just that really. I work in mental health. Not new, I have been in the field 15+ years. It's part and parcel of the job with people who are seriously mentally unwell, I know that, and it isn't necessarily a true reflection of who they are when well. Just having a particularly challenging time at the moment with relentless abuse of really personal nastiness (of me and many others in my team, including racism, homophobia) and have to grit my teeth and get on with it.

I have to be very careful about confidentiality so won't be able to give more details. So just looking for general tips, rather than specific advice on my situation.

Yes, I'm a social worker. It's hard, and I think it's harder after putting up with it for a while. They're slowly chipping away at our resilience. You probably do all that you can but things I do include remembering it's not personal, it's about them and what they're going through. Having chats with colleagues to offload and feel less alone, fill your own cup doing things you enjoy when you're not at work. Leave it at work and try not to let it take up too much headspace at home, a shower straight after work can sometimes help me. It feels like a bit of a reset to leave the work day behind and enjoy being at home.

Having a work uniform is a good shout, and changing clothes when you get home. Have a way of grounding yourself after really difficult interactions, it might be having a glass of water, sucking on a mint, using a nice hand cream but something that grounds you back into your body. Have an end of work day ritual eg changing clothes, having a cup of tea, taking the dog for a walk. Basically something that marks the end of the work day where you can leave it behind. For me it was singing loudly to music in the car home.

Also good clinical supervision - if your workplace doesn’t offer it look for a private supervisor - worth their weight in gold.

If people are agitated then agree with them. People can’t argue with someone that agrees with them. Also talk gently to them. Again lowering your tone lowers their tone. Also make sure you have a kind / face on. Ignore the personal attack. Focus on making them feel safe.

Eg://
“You’re a cunt, Nurse X is a Cunt and Dr Y is the biggest cunt ever. You are all trying to poison me!”.

“Why do think we are trying to poison you?”

”Because you are ALL [racist term] CUNTS!”

”No one is trying to poison you, we would all lose our job. No one wants to lose their job. You are safe here. Okay!”

”This drink tastes like poison!”

”The blackcurrant squash does taste LIKE poison I agree, but it is just really bad squash. Would you like some orange squash instead?”

Unemployment Benefit Office on the counter in the dole office and an Immigration Officer. Abuse in both because people do not like to be told no and don’t understand rules are there to protect th majority not them individually. The former was by far the worst “I know where you live, I know where your kids go to school, I am going to wait outside and follow you home” well as every name under the sun. You have to accept it is an expression of frustration with the system or situation, or an inability to articulate their argument satisfactorily rather than as an actual personal attack. Do not show fear and address the situation not the abuse. E.g you f-ing C*, is countered with “your money isn’t due until tomorrow please ring if it doesn’t arrive in the post, there is nothing I can do for you today”.

Teacher. Primary. Called a fucking cunt throughout the day. Parents abusive at pick and drop off and social media. Nothing gets done. Threatened with physical violence from both. Nothing done. Physically assaulted. Nothing done.

Trying very very hard not to take it personally but dreading September.

interested to see strategies from other jobs- I long to be unflappable on the face of it but it bloody stings.

Also mental health.

I remember that their verbal abuse really isn't anything to do with me, I just happen to be there. People who have experienced trauma in childhood can have a knack of quickly finding the worst thing to say to someone; they are used to rapidly sizing someone up to work out if they are a threat. I try to think "ouch, that was a good one"!

Racism however is really shit and getting worse.

I talk a lot to my team about the emotional truth vs factual truth. Which is a version of this, I thunk.

Yes it's shit. Yes it's terrible. Yea they feel powerless. Acknowledge and empathise. No we can't chnage the whole system.

Friends who are teachers say it's worse because they get blamed for the kids shouting at them, and the parents are as rude as the kids, or else don't believe it.

That would be my preferred stance (less extreme). I feel if the person can give abuse then they can take boundaries.

As a teacher I was homophonically abused daily

personal comments about my bify and threats to me and my kids to the point i was on high alert when leaving the grounds

Yes, a please don’t call me a cunt said very calmly sometimes makes them reflect and sets boundaries.

….and i get it all fly over my head

i know i am fat and gay none of it bothered me i was mire concerned about their mental health

seems like you need a change ?

Wonder if staff could call them a cunt back would it change their behaviour?
“Doesn’t matter to me if you think am a cunt. I think you’re a useless cunt too! At least I get paid to be here!” 😆

When I go to A&E I can really see the decline in UK society. Security guards everywhere, people who have obvious drug problems/mental problems/homelessness trying to break through the plastic barriers to grab the phone from the reception staff. Security calling for back up and having to wrestle crazy people away from the front desk. It feels like a war zone in a third world country at times.
I know someone who is an ambulance driver and they said they are at risk themselves if they try to treat a victim of gang violence.
What I’ve seen in A&E is worse than what you get in schools, but the difference in being a teacher is that you can have a class with many unpleasant characters, and while they’re unlikely to assault you’ve just got to keep turning up for a whole year of it. The expectations on you to manage their behaviour and teach them effectively remain very high, no matter how unpleasant or dysfunctional the kids are.

Like what @MiceSpiders has suggested re ‘uniform’ and having a separate you.
I work in a related field (mental health), although you sound like perhaps you work on wards maybe, whereas I’m community based so not as acutely unwell but can still experience verbal abuse. Used to work in other areas such as child protection, youth justice, housing etc.
Also what helps:
Good supervision (and a nice team helps)
moving about regularly within the field
having set days for wfh where possible or at least 1/2 days at home for admin and a mental break
time off !

I was a child protection social worker for many years. Lots of verbal abuse, as you can imagine. I tolerated it to an extent as some of it was understandable. However, if they carried on i would stop the conversation and say that if they carried on i would put the phone down/ walk away or whatever.
It's incredibly draining and depressing being on the end of relentless verbal abuse. I wouldn't put up with it, and taught students not to either.

No, that would get your teeth knocked out / the sack.

Sadly nail on head! They can deliver the abuse, and expect no response!

You have a lot of power in A&E though. They are coming to with problems that hopefully you can fix, that’s leverage for you. Someone detained under a section 3 mental health act or out in the community is different. There is a lot of power in even wearing a uniform full stop.

Did you have any tips to offer? How did you cope with people bigger than you screaming rape threats in your face on a daily basis, for example? Did you find it hard when that person was in your face for the entire 10 - 16 hours you were at work? We were asked for tips, not a pass agg shrug.

I’m in health also OP, and meeting people on the worst day of their lives. Between this and the number of deaths in my field it can be rough. I’m lucky that it’s much less common in my field than in yours (as people are more likely to be unconscious). Honestly the only way I’ve found to cope for me is to reconnect with life outside of work - getting outside, experiencing something nice and safe etc - which admittedly is hard around 12+hr shifts, nights, 1:2 weekends and working Christmas. Probably the teacher above can give some tips on that also……..the other thing I’ve known others to do is take a break from front line health care and go and work on a project for a while. So it’s not just a permanent state of being.

I also work in an environment where it’s the norm to be abused. Although I’m not getting into the competitive race to the bottom on this thread.
What helps is:
Supportive colleagues you can debrief with at the time
Reflective or clinical supervision to process any particularly nasty situations
Going further a walk at lunchtime to break up your day
Humour, lots of it and often
Singing in the car on the way home
A routine of getting changed out of work clothes into comfies to chill at the end of the day
Short scroll on socials
Kids are a great leveller to distract you with something different.
I did talk to a partner sometimes if it was really bad, but he was never interested so it’s easier being single.
I never discuss work with friends as they wouldn’t understand and I’d much rather chat about fun stuff. Basically don’t take it home.
If it’s still in your head, go for a walk when you get home.
Regular breaks and book annual leave so you don’t burn out.
Despite this I love what I do. When you don’t, stop and get out.

Teaching. Very normal to get called a cunt before 9am 🕘 😊

A view from the otherside as the mental health patient. Firstly it absolutely isn't personal anyone could be stood infront of me it wouldn't matter. The thing that works best to calm me down is for the staff member to keep a low calm voice and actually listening between the insults what the problem is. If you want it to get worse start shouting and telling me I'm wrong. Also sometimes walking away is a good tactic and send a fresh person in as 99% of the time i was nice to the 2nd person as I wanted them on my side as the first person was so unreasonable (they wasnt). Also offering food or drink can help. Don't talk to much or overtalk the person. Very few people will keep yelling when the other person isn't. Also be mindful of body language don't look pissed off like their annoying you don't roll your eyes or huff and puff. And don't tell them how you have other things to do other people to help.

Horrible little sh*ts. It’s crazy how it has changed over the past 40-50 years. It does make you wonder whether the cane was actually the better aporoach.

Agree best to try and defuse and calm the situation being firm and assertive can escalate the situation if someone is completely deregulated