AIBU to be amused that my family want me to help them financially after telling me I’ve ruined my life by marrying for £?

[pragmaticnotsorry]

I’m in my late 20s and have been with my partner for six years, married for two. He’s quite a bit older than me (late 50s) and wealthy. He pays for pretty much everything, I don’t work, and I have a very comfortable life.

I didn’t go into it thinking I’d found the love of my life. We met through work, got on, and there is genuine affection between us, but I’m not going to pretend the financial side isn’t a major reason I’m still here.

Before him I was fresh out of uni, working ridiculous hours, commuting, renting a grim flat and spending most of my salary on simply existing. Now I live in a lovely house, don’t work, have a cleaner and nanny/housekeeper, travel several times a year and generally live very differently. I know I’m incredibly lucky.

My mum and older sister hated the relationship when they found out. My mum told me I was wasting my twenties, becoming financially dependent on a man, that I was a hooker and that I’d regret not having a “proper career”.

My sister is in her mid-30s and works as a senior associate at a big City law firm. She’s married to another lawyer she met there and they have a child. They both work very long hours. They’re doing well, but between the mortgage, nursery, holidays etc., they have nowhere near the disposable income I do.

Over the last year, things have changed. My mum has started asking me for financial help with things like a family holiday, a renovation and an unexpected bill. My sister has also started asking if my nanny can look after my nephew when their childcare falls through.

I don’t mind helping. I love my nephew and I’m happy to help my mum when I can. But I do find it funny that five years ago I was apparently making a terrible life decision, and now I’m the person everyone comes to when they need something.

I’m genuinely proud of my sister and know she works incredibly hard. I suppose what annoys me is the assumption that I need rescuing from my own choices, while everyone is quite happy to benefit from those same choices.

AIBU to find the whole thing a little ironic?

They're married. She gets half.

I thought that. But today she's asking a different question ❓

My first big love was 48 and I was 24. No money involved though.

Just throwing this out there - imo once you're married it's not right to throw the 'not your money' jibe, whether you agree with relationships like this or not. Comments like that are toxic and keep women down.

Not necessarily. Many very wealthy men have all their assets tied into various trusts or companies and pay themselves a token income on paper. It's also unclear whether the husband has a first wife and other children from previous marriages. There could be prenups or postnups in place. And lastly, the wife may not even be able to afford a lawyer to fight for 50%.

We know many cases in real life which were less transactional but still the typical SAHM with wealthy husbands. Many lived in luxury during the marriage but ended up with virtually nothing, including custody of their children, after they were replaced by another wife.

I don’t know why you’re getting so much grief, OP. It seems that you chose your husband with open eyes and are happy with your situation. It’s not for anyone else to judge (and imho a lot of that judgement stems from envy).

As for your family, how are they towards you and your husband now? Have they accepted him into the family? If money is really not an issue, I would help occasionally, but would agree with DH beforehand. Not because it’s his money, but because that’s how married couples should make decisions together.

As for helping with childcare in an emergency, I would if I could.

But it's literally not her money? She didn't earn it, write the invoice or provide any services. DH earns a lot but I would never consider the income he made through his job as "mine" to give to other people. An exception would be joint expenditures such as home repairs, bills, school fees etc.

But there's nothing feminist about claiming money earned by your husband is now 100% yours to spend just because you are married. It's setting women back to believe that you can just claim taxed cash from personal relationships without ever providing a value or service for them.

EDIT: Obviously if the husband is happy for her to spend X amount however she wants then it's clearly her money. But that's never been clarified here or what amounts we're talking about. Some wives get regular allowances every month and others have to ask for large expenditures on a case by case basis.

The sister who now wants to share the nanny (that the OP's rich H pays for) for childcare for her son? THAT sister??

Not sure the words "self respect" comes to mind re her

Yup, me too

It sounds like you’re very happy, and your husband is happy. Marrying someone you love and respect, who treats you well, and you him, and whose company you enjoy sounds very sensible if you’re both aware of what it is. You don’t have to be lusting after someone for it to be a happy marriage.

As for your family, I agree, quite the turnaround! Having your nephew over in a childcare emergency is one thing, a nice thing to do, helping financially is quite another bit different. What does your DH think?

Op i don't think any of us would jump for joy if our daughters married a 50 year old in their early twenties. You can't blame your mother for that.
However it must amuse you that your mother now asks for favours

I would do what I could and just give her a wry smile.

Anything's possible. But by law it's 50% of everything. With small kids (a nanny) she'd be unlucky to be left with nothing

There's also nothing feminist about acting like a divorce lawyer weighing up whose income is whose in what's meant to be an equal relationship with - wait for it - marital assets. IF you want to have divided income in a marriage that's totally fine - your choice. But to see it as joint income when both parties are happy with that - also a totally fine choice.

Feminism is about choices & it's not fair to immediately assume inequality because of shared income

Thank you. This thread is funny. If it was a woman claiming their wealthy husband didn't pay for everything and give them an allowance its financial abuse as "it's joint money" but when someone is honest about the fact they basically have a sugar daddy, everyone is all of a sudden "it's not your money though". The double standards are strong tonight.

I'd be worried if my DD entered that kind if set up in her early 20s too. I'm not surprised they said what they said.

I think all the concerns your family had are still valid. There is still time to be left without a career and financial support.

That your Mum is asking for financial support doesn't negate that...she might have asked you if you hadn't taken your current path. Same with adult siblings asking for emergency help with childcare. That happens quite typically.

Do you have a pension, property in your name and investments sorted OP?

I don't think it's contradictory that they a) don't think it's the best reason to have a relationship and worry it might get one-sided or demanding or you'd find it hard to leave or whatever their worries might be
and
b) acknowledge that you're in a place to help them financially.

It could be a situation where they've accepted you're OK and/or not going to think as they do or change anything (not saying you should but clearly they did want you to) so, with things as they are, ask for help as they would regardless of how you got your money.

Are you talking about the same person saying these things? How do you remember who's said what on MN threads?

Personally couldn’t ever lower myself to a much older man for the money.i have more respect for myself.and whatever your also money grabbing family want,it is not your money to give.go get some pride and earn your own crust.

I thought married people have family money on MN.
What is this new thing where the OP has no money?

I agree with this.
Why is your mum being greedy?

If you dont have money for a holiday, you don't go.
Same for renovation.
It appears you are a useful money machine for them. Even though the money is not yours, it's your husband's.

I thought that.

Do you pay the nanny extra for the extra child?