To be jealous of how much family support others have?

[DownLoww]

Does anyone else find themselves feeling jealous of people with lots of family help? I know someone and she has 5 kids and is off on her second solo holiday this year. Shes often on nights out, at concerts and festivals, weekends away. My mum use to have my children all the time when they were younger but she stopped and doesnt at all now so I didn’t go into it knowing I had no support (she promised a lot of support and even asked me to move closer so she could help more often)
I know it was my decision to have children, and I don't expect anyone else to look after them but I see so many people have so much help and sometimes get upset. Does anyone else not have family support?

It was called a babysitting circle.

Some grandparents just aren't that way inclined. My parents feel no desire or duty to help too much with the kids. They are very hands off and don't seem to get any pleasure from the kids for any longer than an hour! They were like this as parents too. Just not interested.

I find it sad to be honest ! My mil would move in if she could and is so lovely with them. They kids love her so much and it makes me sad that my parents don't share her enthusiasm. They are great kids and I'd love them to have the sort of parents that actually wanted to make memories with them. But I can't change them sadly.

I have no family help due to a combination of disability and some just no longer being around. I try not to get jealous and generally take the approach that I must be bad ass because I’m actually doing it alone (I’m also a single Mum) however what does irk me is when I hear people complain that Grandma had them all weekend and fed them chocolate and let them watch tv. I couldn’t for the life of me imagine getting uptight about this when someone is kind enough to babysit my children.

My parents can’t help much - my dad is very severely disabled and mum is his carer. My FIL is dead and MIL is older and lives far away.

My sister’s in laws take her kid weekly and they’re often out for dinner together. We could never.

It stang for a while but comparison is the thief of joy and we’re lucky in other ways. Don’t become bitter.

Tonight me and DH were taking about a concert we'd both like to go to but can't because we haven't anyone to watch the kids. It's 7pm-11pm.

No you’re not unreasonable. I really struggled with it. My lovely mum who would have made a wonderful grandma died before I had kids. My dad was clueless about childcare and not able or safe to look after them for more than a few minutes. It will pass when the kids are older, but it’s damn hard in the early years.

I do agree with you @Skibididoo . People who whinge because their mother rang them at 9pm. Inside I roll my eyes and think
you’re bloody lucky to have a mum at all.

I haven't read the whole thread OP, but what happens if you ask her for help or if you ask her about why she helps your db out but not you?

I had almost none. My family had my dc's over night six times during their entire childhood. It's just left me numb and burnt out over the years. But I have been able to work part time, which is probably why I survived.

Yes, life is a lot easier with support of any kind

I hear you op. Some pals of mine have great family support. Myself and DH have had one night away together in 11 years. Usually one of us stays with children so the other one can go away for a week break.
a work colleague was telling me how her mother was taking the 3 grandchildren away to the seaside for a week, so she had a week to herself - I just thought wow. We are living totally different lives !

I think it's different for everyone (well,obvs) but in my case as a single parent of 2,I've been offered support but I save it for emergencies. DSis and SIL have offered a hundred times to babysit,but I have subtly chosen not to take it.They are very strict in my eyes,and I've overheard many snarky comments that means I'm just not comfortable.

DB and SIL are overwhelmed with their own situation shall we say,so though they'd be fine with an emergency,I wouldnt feel great to ask for a social event reason - my real mates come 2 mine,I come to theirs,or we all bring our kids..bla bla. Or I ask my Dad who is best with them.

My kids spend a lot of time with them all,but when I'm present.

Having a village is great,but IMO it has 2 be one that works for you and kids too. I'm sure it reads like I'm a martyr but really not.I'll have more freedom later :)

We have very, very little support. To be fair, we do live 'abroad', my parents are still in the UK.

We went to visit them this summer (haven't been since 2024) and my mother kept pointing out the fact that we were there for 16 days, and were the other set of grandparents gonna host for that long??? Did we realise that's it's 16 days, at their house (6 of which were at a holiday cottage, but who's counting)??

Apart from the fact that we are two flights away, and I've just spent £3k coming to see you, because you haven't been to see us for the past two years?????

Gah.

Dh's family are no better, never babysit etc.

You need to have a frank conversation with your mum. There is possibly a reason like the kids behaviour or why you’re asking for childcare and how frequently. This may not be the same for you but in our experience behaviour was the main issue and it was harder to deal with and tolerate as the kids got older.

It makes sad though, and incredibly disappointed.

My parents and dh's family are missing out so much on a relationship with the kids.

I see grandparents out and about with their grandchildren having so much fun, and I just feel so disappointed for both sides.

I had very little family support too. My parents were generally hands off as grandparents (though they hadn't been hands off parents). They just wanted to retire to their own bubble and everyone else was on the periphery of that.

My mum did come down and help for a couple of weeks whenever I had a baby (I had 3) but that was it. Beyond that, they hardly knew my children as they were growing up.

It has made me more determined not to behave in the same way towards my own children now that they are grown up, and should they ever have children of their own.

It isn’t brother is the golden child and always has been, she won’t have my sisters child either and she only has one (brother has two) she treats them different in other ways too like gifts at Christmas and birthdays but I won’t go into that

I don’t enjoy the tone of threads like these, I find them misogynistic. It sounds like the actual problem is your husband (because if you were both parenting fairly, you wouldn’t need support elsewhere, he would be giving you the break you need), but that just gets dismissed and all your ire directed towards your mother - who sounds like she does/did loads for you all already. Don’t blame her for not stepping up when it’s your husbands job.

Ok 👍

Christ these threads always attract the professional man haters. Whatever the problem, its the man's fault. The op here is envious of all the help others get without even needing to ask....instead of sympathy and empathy she gets the oh it's your dh who is the problem/to blame.

Always. The.bloody. same.....

Oh I definitely feel this. Some grandparents are just amazing. And they are so close as a result to their grandchildren. It’s not just the help, it’s also so lovely for children to have close relationships with other family members. I’m often sad for my kids that they only have us.

My DH is great btw but we didn’t even get a coffee together in peace in the early days. I think it does put a relationship under pressure. We came through those early years and survived but I think we had to put our own relationship on the back burner for a while.

It’s nice to also take a break together though. It’s also the little things like grandparents who facilitate an extracurricular pick up so the kids could do an activity you may not manage the juggle of. Or holding onto children so you can both bring a very sick child to the emergency room. Or bring the well child to school so you aren’t dragging a sick child out the door.